A few weeks ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I took off my collar. I just can't wear it anymore under the current circumstance, it means nothing to me. That reality really hurt me.
That night I went to bed, and my collar was no longer where I had left it. I had a moment of panic until DT told me he had put it away....to take the pressure off me.
Now, as I look back over the last two years I have to ask....who was he really taking the pressure off of?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I'm scared
I have known for a long time who I am and what I need to truly be ME, and be happy. I thought I had found someone who could give me what I needed, who would appreciate what I had to give and would love me completely.
We were 1500 miles apart, and yet he always knew what I needed, he was firm when I needed it, strong when I felt I just couldn't go one step further, an anchor when I felt like giving up, demanding when he wanted it his way, gentle and caring when I was falling apart. A leader, a lover, a Sir, a Master, a Dom, a partner, a friend. He loved me, he accepted me, and he wanted to lead me.
So, we worked hard to get where we are today. Under the same roof...I knew that this would not be easy. We have a lot of stressors in our lives, some his, some mine, yet we share them all. There is not a day goes by that I am not happy to be here, with him. I love him, and yes, he loves me completely.
But something is missing....he no longer leads me. He used to be able to tell when I was falling, and step in with his strength and guidance to lead me. To direct me, I always knew he had my best interest at heart. Now, I feel as if I am a possession, and not in the way I imagined. I am possessed by him, but I am so cherished and protected that I am put on a shelf where I can be admired. But like so many pretty things in life that are put on shelves, they are soon taken for granted. You know they are there, but you don't stop and look at them, touch them, interact with them. They are simply for show.
I don't want to be for show. I want him to be the leader I know he is, I want the man I fell in love with....all of him.
And I'm really afraid of what will happen if he doesn't come back soon.
We were 1500 miles apart, and yet he always knew what I needed, he was firm when I needed it, strong when I felt I just couldn't go one step further, an anchor when I felt like giving up, demanding when he wanted it his way, gentle and caring when I was falling apart. A leader, a lover, a Sir, a Master, a Dom, a partner, a friend. He loved me, he accepted me, and he wanted to lead me.
So, we worked hard to get where we are today. Under the same roof...I knew that this would not be easy. We have a lot of stressors in our lives, some his, some mine, yet we share them all. There is not a day goes by that I am not happy to be here, with him. I love him, and yes, he loves me completely.
But something is missing....he no longer leads me. He used to be able to tell when I was falling, and step in with his strength and guidance to lead me. To direct me, I always knew he had my best interest at heart. Now, I feel as if I am a possession, and not in the way I imagined. I am possessed by him, but I am so cherished and protected that I am put on a shelf where I can be admired. But like so many pretty things in life that are put on shelves, they are soon taken for granted. You know they are there, but you don't stop and look at them, touch them, interact with them. They are simply for show.
I don't want to be for show. I want him to be the leader I know he is, I want the man I fell in love with....all of him.
And I'm really afraid of what will happen if he doesn't come back soon.
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