Sir Someday - Toy Talk

Hello again, time for another installment of Sir Someday, (still working on getting regular Days of writing)  Today I want to talk about toys, tools, and implements of the scene.  Whether you lean towards vanilla or the other end of the spectrum there is a toy or tool for you! HBD and I have a pretty decent collection of the BDSM toys and tools, crops, paddles, clips, etc. as well as vibes and dildos. We are always looking to expand and as our interests and curiosities have increased I expect there to be more purchases and acquisitions.

As the collection expands so does the requirement of discrete storage, as we do not have the ability for a dedicated playroom (yet……. that has been a dream of mine since HBD and I have become an official couple) I ask you the reader to post Ideas and suggestions, right now since we have recently moved and our bedroom is still considered temporary we are using a nondescript cardboard box. In the past, we have used a trunk, a small cabinet, and a built-in armoire. Having adequate space for your collection makes for seamless play because you don’t have to search for just the right thing for the moment or mood.  Having the organization allows for easy cleanup and placement after the scene and for some variety, more than one flogger, paddle, cane, ropes basically whatever turns your crank.

So the future acquisitions, HBD and I have discussed delving deeper into some uncharted (at least for us) toys, like violet wand/ electro stimulation, anal training/butt plugs, fire cupping/ pumping, and more vibes and dildos. These have all come out of our discussions about curiosities and desires to experiment. But now comes the dilemma; how much do you spend? do you go top shelf and hope your curiosity turns into a legitimate kink? Do you go budget and maybe have a diminished experience and kill the kink before it has a chance to develop? Most everything we purchase has to be mail order as we live in a rural area and the only “sex toy” shop is more of a novelty shop of the lower quality. Try before you buy with sex toys is a big taboo and we have no local fellow kinksters to converse with (although we are going to get active on Fetlife). Sex toy review sites I have found (not that I have researched this deeply lately) seem to be a more vanilla slant, vibes, and dildos, toys for vanilla couples or solo play and most of the reviewers are only reviewing what they are able to get sent from a vendor or manufacturer. So again I ask you the readers, how do you decide on what items to buy? Do you have a box full of mistakes, or regrettable purchases?

Thank you for your time again and your feedback. This is Die Tryin signing off again from my dark corner of the internet. Through Love and submission. ~DT

How Deeply Important Aftercare is for the Dominant and the Submissive in BDSM

I've decided to take a little bit different direction with the blog here, no one wants to listen to me whine about what I'm not getting or complain about being let down all the time.  This isn't supposed to be a crying ground.  This is supposed to be a place of growth and learning.  So today we start a new page where we look at the importance of aftercare in the BDSM scene, both for the Dominant and the submissive.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the time following a scene or play session where you take time to mentally and physically recover from the moment and take care of each another’s needs. During this it is also important that you allow yourself to return to the roles you hold outside of the scene and allow your mind and body to return to the realty of every day. While I know many of us would love to stay in the heady high that comes with a good play session, reality always awaits, and it is our responsibility to ensure that our partner is well taken care of and prepared for the day/night to come.  With that being said, some scenes are so intense emotionally that the Dominant will need to ensure that they are able to see to the needs of the submissive as they wind down and recover from the experience. However, it does not mean that Dominants do not also need to be concerned about aftercare for themselves; it is very common for a Dominant to need to reconnect with themselves and their partner. While this may not be the case for you and your submissive or Dominant, at the very least, you will want to ensure that you are well hydrated, properly rested, and that you have a light snack.

When you are first entering into a BDSM relationship it is very important that aftercare is a part of your negotiation and contract or other "rules" regarding the scenes you intend to make a part of your relationship. There are many BDSM practitioners around the world, some have extensive aftercare plans and protocols, sme have a varied system of aftercare that depend on how the participants feel at the end of a session and still others that do not perform any form of aftercare at all after a scene, These couples or individuals believe that aftercare is the personal responsibility of the individuals involved to see that each is taking care of their on needs after play. This can be because the Dominant or submissive have selfish reasons for who performs and how aftercare is performed these relationships are rarely deep or long lived, they are superficial and self fulfilling.

Types of Aftercare

In general there are two types of aftercare, one being physical and the other being emotional.

Physical Aftercare which includes the basics, making sure that all toys, ropes, blindfolds etc. are removed and set aside. Obviously, you will want to ensure that there are no injuries that require immediate attention Once the safety of your partner is ensured then it is time to take care of their physical self. Just like any form or work our, it is also important to keep in mind that dehydration, and blood sugar levels are very real concerns. Depending on what each play session or scene consists of will impact both partners differently, but no matter what else happens making sure that you are well hydrated and that any blood sugar concerns are met is of vital importance.  Keep water in your play space, have easy to eat snacks on hand and make sure they are available to both you and your partner as part of your aftercare protocol.

The next concern you will want to address for both you and your partner, is warm and comfortable.  This may mean getting them a blanket, helping them dress, or changing the air temperature in the room.  A hot and sweaty partner won't appreciate a warm fuzzy blanket, but may want a light sheet to lay under. This is also the perfect time to regroup physically be affectionate. Hugging, kissing, massage, quiet cuddling, playful tickling and relaxing in the moment. This physical one on one connection is healing for both of you.
Emotional Aftercare, can be anything from cuddling, kissing, and holding one another to discussing how you feel after the scene.  What was going through your head, what did you both enjoy.  What didn't work for you.  This emotional aftercare is more than just making you feel better in the moment, it is also making sure that you continue to grow together in future scenes.  But don't forget to spend time just enjoying each other and making sure that as partners you are still strong and confident with one another.  Make sure your sub knows you care, make sure your Dom knows you hold no ill will.  The scene is over and it's time to move on.

Wait...Does Everyone in BDSM need Aftercare?

Just like in everything else, people are different. That means that some people will be completely okay without aftercare, or some people may prefer to be left alone to reconnect on their own terms rather than cuddle up and be affectionate. This personal difference is why it’s important for every couple to negotiate how they will address aftercare before their first play session or scene. With that being said, if you’re new to or just starting to experiment with BDSM in your relationship, and you're not sure what kind of aftercare you or your partner may need, then be prepared for anything.  Then be sure to spend time after your play session discussing your feelings and what you feel that you need at that time and use this as a jumping off point for you to learn and grow from. As with any other aspect of your BDSM scenes or play things will change and grow the longer you are involved in the lifestyle. Aftercare is no different, so don't forget when you renegotiate and revisit your contracts and agreements, that aftercare is included in that discussion.

Additionally, many assume that aftercare is exclusively something that a Dominant must provide for a sub, though that simply isn’t true. Someone in a Dominant role may experience the same ‘drop’ from physical exertion as a sub, and can similarly desire the emotional connection that re-establishes the normal, loving and affectionate roles of your relationship.

There is no right way to provide aftercare, there is no right or wrong level of aftercare that fits everyone. The only real guideline that applies to you and your play is that you must be open with one another, accepting of each others needs, and attentive to the emotional and physical needs of yourself and your partner.

For me....

It really depends on the scene, and how intense it is emotionally and physically.  Emotionally taxing scene's and play time will always require more aftercare for me.  The are exhausting both physically and mentally, this is when I need to be held, hugged, kissed, reminded that no matter humiliating the scene was, no matter how degraded I felt...that I am still loved. Physical scenes tend to put me in to a hyper state of mind. I need to laugh and giggle and talk about anything and everything.  But most of all I need to be reminded to eat and drink something.

What works best for you?  Or what doesn't work for you?

Drop me a note and share your preference for others to consider adding to their protocol!

Sir Monday - Just lovin' life

                  Greetings again my kinky friends and followers. Time for another installment of Sir Die Tryin's soapbox in the dark corner of his mind. Things are moving along, HBD and I are working on integrating our D/s into our daily lives and making progress. I have realized being a "Daddy" figure is feeling more and more natural every day and we are getting more comfortable communicating our needs. Today's post is just random observations and thoughts from me.

                   First, it was recently HBD's birthday, her mother ordered in her favorite food from where she grew up, Portillo's Italian Beef, if you haven't had a Chicago style Italian Beef sandwich, you are missing out, and if you haven't had a Portillo's you need to get one before you die. The night before I grilled her regular favorite meal ribeye steak and sweet potato, real Midwest comfort food a good solid meal all the way around.

                  I don't normally talk bedroom except in generalities. For the same reason that certain parts of our bodies were "off-limits"  when we participated in HNT.  Because they are my property and I choose not to share them.  But in this one case, I will make an exception. My Babydoll is an exceptional lover, responsive, and takes all I give and keeps coming back for more. However, I want to give her special recognition in her fellatio skills When given the direction to suck my cock, not only is she eager like my little cock hungry whore should be, she gives it 150% until I tell her to stop or let her claim her "bragging rights" when I let her service me until I cum. In that one act, I see the care, the desire to serve (Not that it isn't there in other parts of our play and sex life.) this one act that she performs so well that is purely to please her Sir. I sometimes think I see a smile and a twinkle in her eyes as I give the direction to service me. Her term "bragging rights" comes from none of my prior lovers or sexual partners ever having cared enough to see the task through to completion, Usually, it always came to an end prematurely with one excuse or another, like a sore jaw (I am a bit thick in that area) or it takes too long to get me off. My Babydoll had set the goal to surpass and overshadow any prior attempts before we ever met in person, and she has succeeded repeatedly. In sharing this it reminds me just how lucky I am to have found my Babydoll, and that she chose to give me her submission, and continues to work with me towards our dreams and aspirations of a 24/7 D/s life.

                 In closing, whatever your situation is make the best of it, appreciate what you have and don't lose the best thing in your life over being stubborn or stupid, people change and the ones that truly want to be in your life and want you in theirs will find you. You just have to be smart enough to recognize when you have it.

Thank you, my friends, for reading, about our journey through love and submission.

~Die

Sir Sunday- forget me not

Sir Sunday- forget me not
           When you hear the phrase "forget me not", I'm sure lots of different things come to mind. You might be reminiscent, or think about the flower of that name, I am referring to logon, PWs and keeping them straight while having "alter-egos".
               When HBD and I took our break from lifestyle, time marched on, we replaced technology, reloaded operating systems and got new phones. Now some of these Online IDs were easy to recover, and others are proving to be more difficult, HBD had an email account terminated and is unrecoverable, this is causing difficulty accessing and recovering the accounts tied to it. When we started we made sure to separate and "firewall" our Kink from our daily lives, out of necessity, for the size of the community we live in it needs to be that way. At one point I was keeping a detailed PW list, secured under a locked folder, with a common PW I wasn't changing anytime soon. While it is secure, it wasn't perfect and we have managed to lose a few key PWs including an encrypted partition with lots of images of HBD and our play sessions (the early years) when we had trips away from the kids and her ex was still taking them for his weekends.

             

            So how do you keep the two separate, your kink life from your outward-facing life? This is the question that more than likely vexes most of us that are not fortunate enough to have kink-friendly lives. We are working to recover these sites and will hopefully succeed, recovering the encrypted partition I hope we can get as well, they were great shots of intimate moments shared. If any of our readers have suggestions please message us or put them in the comments.

           

               Status update, HBD and I are finding ways to work subtle things into our daily lives, it is still evolving and not perfect but I want her to know I am noticing and proud of her, I know I miss some of the nonverbal and verbal cues, but that is, unfortunately, part of my learning process, I am working on being more attuned to what is happening outside of the bedroom, (fortunately that area is a solid part of our relationship, I am in harmony with her needs there most of the time). HBD is an incredibly giving woman in everything she does and I am truly the luckiest Dom to have her and that she has given herself to me, body, mind, and soul.



              Thank you again for reading another Sir Sunday edition of Love and Submission.

~DT

Sir Monday- Post TEDx #inspired

Sir Sunday- Post TEDx #inspired


            HBD and I just had an incredible weekend together! While not the original format we had been planning it was still a positive, uplifting and awe-inspiring two days. As in the title we went to a TED Talks local edition, well local to the metro 3 hours away from us. We brought 2 of our children so they could attend a music concert on the second night. This part of the trip plans was originally supposed to be the oldest daughter and her boyfriend in their own room (she is in her 20's) and us in ours. Well, then the boyfriend canceled. Prior to the boyfriend deciding he was going to attend, I was supposed to go to the concert but the conflict of the TEDx event made my path clear. So, the other child took my place as the concert-goer with her sister.

           The TEDx event was 3 sessions for a total of 22 speakers, artists, presenters and activists. All have an inspiring message, or a thought-provoking idea, even a community shaking concept. We heard from poets, musicians, scientists, average people, doctors and entrepreneurs, all spoke to their passion, their ideas, and purposes. There were exhibits and smaller events like a brunch with speakers from previous years. Overall it was the most thought-provoking events I have attended in years and I was able to share it with my HBD. If you have never been to a TED or TED x event I highly recommend it, you might just have your thought process shifted.

          Of course in a public venue HBD and I partake in one of our favorite public pastimes; people watching. We range from simple observation to making up ludicrous and elaborate stories based on the way people present themselves, is it socially acceptable, probably not but since when are we 100% socially the norm? Nothing too out of the ordinary this trip but we have had some doozies, we both consider ourselves students of casual sociology (HBD has actually considered going back to school to get a degree in it as it interests her that much).

          Back to lessons of the weekend learned, first; follow your passion whatever it is, never let anyone tell you it is worthless or to extinguish your fire. Second; stick to your guns, you can include people in your passion, but take measures to ensure the vision stays true to you. Third; don't worry about the "haters" there are always people that can't stand to see other people happy, succeeding or achieving, Forth and Lastly in my opinion; communicate honestly to those included in your passion so that expectations can be met openly and honestly.  One more thing is to NEVER GIVE UP, no matter what the adversity.

            Now you might ask why I am sounding like a Tony Robbins personal power event, this is the reason; these steps no matter how you wrap them and apply them to are a basic recipe for success and have been taught and mimicked by greater men than me, (Stephen Covey anyone? 7 habits of highly effective people/ leaders etc) So my point is apply these simple tenants to every aspect of your life and you can succeed. Is success easy? NO! But anything worth having is worth fighting for. While I have always known this sometimes we can all use a refresher, a refocusing a "tune-up" as it were. I had another "tune-up" this weekend and know that we are unstoppable, we will reach our goals both in lifestyle, family life and professionally. With HBD at my side, my feet and beneath me. We will get there Through Love and Submission.

~DT

Struggling to Satisfy our Needs with Kids in the House

The hardest part about being in a BDSM relationship to me is how to satisfy your needs when you live with kids.  We have two teenagers living at home, there is a small bathroom between our room and the oldest.  I know she can hear into our room based on conversations about mundane things she's heard from our room.  Things like my cell phone ringing, or action scenes in movies we watch after going to bed.  Or the night that DT reached over and poked my nipple, and I farted.  Yup, childish laughter for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face laughter.  She heard it! So, what do you do?  How do you do it?

Let's start by saying, I'm loud in bed. It's taken me years to perfect the art of quiet sex, and there are still times that I slip. Going and staying at hotels isn't an option, sending the children off to grandma's not going to happen. So, we are back to trying to figure out how to make this work for us without scarring our children. I'm all ears, if you have any tips and advice please let me know.

The good news is that we are getting ready to go out of town this coming weekend, which means a night in a hotel without the children.  While I'll still have to keep the volume at a respectable level, I'm definitely hoping for a little crop or flogger action.  Fingers crossed, DT is on the same page. Because clamps and clothespins can only go so far.

Sir Sunday, Happy independance day edition

Sir Sunday 4th of July edition,

                 Hello again, it is time for another edition of Sir Sunday, this week as we are all spending time with family and friends, celebrating our country's independence I just want to say be safe, and have fun.

              As a tie in topic, (pun intended) let's discuss safety in the bedroom, playroom or anywhere else you take pleasure with your sub or Dom. First and foremost, listen to your partner. Even their most subtle body language, look for the tells of hesitation, avoidance outside of the normal "scenes" you might be in and above all listen for the safe word. Sometimes it can be as simple as listening for an outcry that is unexpected at the moment. For example, spanking and flogging can elicit a pain response that results in an outcry, be aware of your subs well being and don't hesitate to back off a second and ask for a status check. Always, keep the safety and well being of your playthings in mind.  Remember trust is the key to any BDSM relationship and your partner trusts that you have their general well-being at heart. I know to the uneducated and outsider looking in, this sounds like the opposite of what BDSM is, "well I'm supposed to hurt them, they like it, they know /deserve what I am giving them" these are all true to a point and as a good submissive wants to serve their master, they also don't want to be permanently broken. The marks, bruises and other agreed-upon consensual by-products of a solid "play" session are incredible marks of ownership.

           What do you do if your partner throws a "hard stop" or safeword?  Well, this should be obvious, stop what you are doing, assess the situation, check that your sub is not in any danger of harm, and rectify the situation to remove the problem, be it a rope, a toy or even you the Dom yourself! Never forget that even though you as the Dom are the one leading the scene, the sub is truly the one in control and MUST be able to stop at any time if they feel they are in emanate danger and the Dom MUST respect this for the trust to be maintained and this includes discussion as to why it went that way without fear of repercussion for a legitimate concern for personal safety.
         
          There are many "dangerous" elements to the BDSM scene, everything from beatings, spankings, being tied/chained up, even rape fantasy to needle, blood and knife play and everything in between. Remember, even if you have done it 100 times before, something might happen to cause it to be "off ". And once it doesn't feel right and the flag is waved it has to stop to determine where it went wrong. As a Dom if you think this is a foreign concept then, in my opinion, you might be in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons, I know use, abuse and degradation are the words of Domination, but that Sub has chosen you to serve and to allow you to do those things and as such if you want to keep them in your life, I say respect their personal safety.

The very foundation of this life we live and practice or play is SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL.  And that my friends, means always taking care of your toys.

Thank you for listening to my rant, and I will leave you with a stay kinky my friends.

~DT

Just Some Thoughts on Positions in this Lifestyle we Live

With all this communication going on, I'm happy to say that DT and I are getting closer every day.  We have grown in so many ways, and while we were drifting apart, we are happy to say that we have survived and are stronger for it.

But it has made me think...
and recently the thing I've been thinking about the most is where I am mentally, who am I, what position do I hold in this relationship. The answer is many, I am a woman of many hats.

1. Mom - DT and I have 8 children between us, I love them dearly.  The ones who live with us, the ones who have grown up and moved out, the ones that I've never met.  They are a part of my life that makes me happy.  But they are a part of my life that brings about many questions regarding how to partake in our lifestyle without confusing or harming their mental health.

2. Wife - While DT and I have been together for 8 years, we have only been legally married for a year and a half. It's funny I didn't really think that piece of paper would really be that big of a deal, but it really did at least mentally. As a wife, I am responsible for the welfare of my family, and my husband.  That means I make decisions, I control the money, and I frequently have to say NO to DT when it comes to things he wants or wants to do. It's a complicated mindset for one who wants to be led as deeply as I do.

3. Boss - I am the Operations Manager for a very lucrative online Entrepreneur, I have 2 assistants, and the owner defers to me in critical business matters.  I love my job, I love the day to day stress and power that come with it.  I love being successful!



4. Business Owner - DT and I are in the middle of opening a business of our own. It's one that I have had dreams of opening for years.  I'm not sure how I'm going to fit this into my life because I will be the boss in the respect that I will be the one at the store most I will be the one in charge, while he will continue to work his full-time job for the insurance. Things have changed in this arena, in a terrifyingly exciting way.  Everyone keep thoughts positive that the offer we make is accepted!

5. Submissive - I am a true submissive, this is not a game for me. I don't do it for roleplaying purposes, I don't do it just for the sexual thrill.  I do it because I have a need to serve the man I have given my heart and soul to. I need to give up the control, power, and stress of my daily life. I need to give of myself, and that means I need to serve and please my Sir DT.  When I attempted to go about my daily life without this part of me I was miserable, something was missing and I can't be happier that I have found it again. We definitely have things to work on and learn. But moving forward we are, I just need to find a way to express my needs better outside of the sex/pain dynamics.

6. Slave - Well, you know, I'm not sure this is actually me anymore.  Part of me thinks that I was always confused when it came to this part of me. I always thought this was what I wanted, to give up total control to another.  To let them have all of the power, what they say goes.  I serve them and that's that. I wanted the weight of the world to be taken from my shoulders, I wanted to be cared for and protected, I wanted to be an object to be cared for and used as another saw fit. But now.......

7. Little - This is something that DT and I have just started to make a part of our lives.  Well, at least we talked about it.  But when I look at it, nothing has changed, even at the most basic level, it hasn't changed.  I think that it scares DT, even though we have discussed the preconceptions and beliefs about this dynamic. I still feel deeply that what I want here, and what DT is willing to give are two different things.  And while I know that I need this, that I was allowed to hope, it does not seem to be something that we are going to be able to make work for us.  And I will not under any circumstances look outside our relationship for this.

But I feel that I should be allowed to mourn this part of myself

Sir Sunday - Whenever edition

Hello again readers, I feel it is starting to happen again, Life…… Life gets in the way, inserts itself and decides to take and change your focus. It can be the little things, a small project that needs to be done, working overtime, missing some of the details. Or it can be major life altering changes, starting a new job or opening a business.

I feel the stress of some of these elements every day, I see them in HBD and our dynamic is usually the thing that takes the hit, not because we don’t want it or that we don’t want it to succeed… quite the contrary we want it to succeed, but it is still fledgling and young and vulnerable.

Our dynamic suffers because of past failures and wounds, this causes trepidations, allows for old bad habits to enter. I admit I am human and fall into bad patterns and habits when I am stressed, tired and worn out.

But I am supposed to be the strong one, her Rock , her Anchor when the squalls of the world are swirling around her, around us, I am supposed to be the safe place, Harbor from the storm. I am trying to be those things, in some ways I succeed and in others I am failing…...again. The Little things….. There is a lyric from a band named “Jim’s big Ego”, their song, stress goes like this “It's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention”. I am a very musical person and believe in the concept of a soundtrack that can define your life, a top 10 if you will. That song is a contender for long term on my list.

My reaction to stress varies from hyperactivity to apathy, I have never been able to figure it out and it tends to go the wrong direction at the wrong time, couple that with the rest of my life and it is a recipe for problems. Problems in communication are the worst, these frustrate and obfuscate the issues adding to and compounding the issues, a little lapse or misstep becomes a major issue, when communication is compromised then both parties withdraw even more making it worse.

I will always struggle,  I will always have to resist the bad patterns and habits. I am only human after all. To my Babydoll, I promise you this; you are my everything, my whole life, the reason the sun rises in my world and I will always love you until past my dying day.

~DT

Sir Sunday- Father's Day Edition

             Hello all, and a happy father's day to all the fathers out there. As a father of 4 and a dad of 8 let me tell you this is one of the holidays that I like, unfortunately, 4 of my kids live in other countries and states and due to meddling from ex-wives 1 still communicates with me, one is perpetually pissed off at me (we are going on 5 years now) and 2 are too young to contact me directly ( I can hope they will be allowed to reach out to me when they are older, as I am unsure they even get the cards and gifts I send as there is never any feedback). Now before this starts to sound like a "poor me" post let me say these are choices I made and am now paying the price for, while I love my children and support them I am not regretting my choices. These choices and paths lead me to HBD and for this, I am ever grateful.
            My HBD and the 2 children that still dwell with us went out to dinner the next town over and to also get my father's day gift, A new Propane grill (as my current grill is about 11 years old been moved across country, and frankly it is well used and just worn out, I got my money's worth 5x over). We all had a great dinner at a steakhouse and the waiter even made the youngest one laugh (a difficult feat most of the time). Then when we got home the youngest and I assembled the grill. I am thankful for MY HBD and all of our Kids both near and far and hope to reunite with the distant ones and eventually heal all the wounds and issues.
            Oh, and I almost forgot the oldest child and I are going to a concert tonight (I would like to think it is my father's day gift but I don't know the band). So I am signing off for this week and will have more in the next episode of Sir Sunday.

~DT

Road Tripping our way to communication

And we're back.....
DT and I have taken some time off.  He had a child graduating from High School in California.  After 100 different plans for the trip, some with the other kids, some with just him alone, we finally decided that we would load up in the car and drive just the two of us.

The quick details, we left home on Wednesday, drove to Utah where we had planned to stay at the home of a friend.  A friend who happened to stand us up and we had to find a hotel at the last minute that night. Thursday morning we got up and headed off on the last leg of our trip to California where we had booked a hotel for 3 nights. Graduation was Friday, Saturday we spent the day running around San Francisco with the graduate.  The Sunday we headed back home, planning a stop in Reno for some adult time before heading out Monday for a stop in Idaho to visit with friends, and then leaving there to head home on Tuesday, where we arrived on Wednesday at 5:30 in the morning.

It was a good trip, we enjoyed ourselves, connected on levels we hadn't intended and reached new understandings in our relationship.

We spent a large amount of time on the initial leg of our trip discussing our relationship as it has changed and adapted since our last trip. Not having the kids with us allowed for a much more free-flowing conversation. One of the things we spent a good amount of time on is refreshing where our heads are at regarding hard stops, no go's and turn-offs. This part of the conversation took a long time, and it took a lot of effort for me.

The hardest part about this conversation was admitting that while we had always said no to DD/lg relationships and dynamic, it was actually something I needed.  I needed it on a deep cellular level and that scared me, I just knew that if I admitted this to DT I would be damaging our relationship.  This was a hard NO for him, I would rather live without telling him and know that this would never be a part of our life than tell him and be denied the need. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the thing that made this a hard NO for us was the misconception that this dynamic was based on pedophilia, daddy issues, or infantilism. None of which were the things that I wanted in our relationship.  What I want, is to be carefree, childish, a BRAT, to be able to let go of my adult worries, know that I have a safe place to go always, to be allowed to step away from all the responsibility I deal with daily, to allow the weight of the world to fall from my shoulders and be carried by someone else. More importantly, I need someone to take care of me, to make sure I have what I need, when I need it, to make sure that I take care of my own basic needs, and to have my needs taken care of by him. What I have previously seen as a slave mentality and need, was actually a little mentality.

This was a terrifying conversation and one that I'm still trying to process.  I don't know if it will happen, I know that now I ache for it.  I know that I'm still scared that I will be let down again, and I know that I still feel that DT and I have some different pictures of what this will look like. Only time will tell. But for now, I know that we are moving forward as a couple, in a D/s relationship. And for now, I'm trying to let that be enough.

Another Sir Sunday (in my own sweet time) Post graduation edition,

               As I left off in the week before last's edition HBD and I were heading to CA for a graduation, this was a long time in the car together and allowed for some uninterrupted and needed communication on where we are, where we are going, and where we want to go. HBD and I have always liked the fact that this lifestyle is "a'la cart" and just because your kinks don't necessarily align with ours, it doesn't make you any more BDSM or M/s than we are.
             In this conversation time we revisited our hard limit inventory (something we hadn't done in too long) as we grow in the life  there are things that may go from hard "NO", to we are curious, and even vice versa where something we tried before became a NO.  In the course of this conversation, I stated that a NO was the Daddy/BabyGirl dynamic that quite often has negative connotations to those outside the lifestyle. I mentioned that I didn't need this based on having a misinformed assumption of the dynamic.  Down the road a bit and some conversation later this had caused some obvious distress in HBD and she wanted to discuss it but was afraid that the discussion of her needs would damage us, our fledgling return. I reassured her that we should discuss it and I even tried to make little light comments about it as I wasn't completely sure of the topic at hand. Finally, through a version of twenty questions and conversation, it came out she needs the Daddy dynamic. The protector, the leader, head of household and caretaker roles, needless to say I was a bit embarrassed. I missed this connection, as a Dom, in a living together/married relationship these qualities should already be there on some level. If she chose to look at me as a Daddy I should be taking that as a compliment.  I will be that for her, the strong but gentle protector when needed.

            As we are growing and progressing, communication and respect are two of the major cornerstones of this relationship. I am still learning, but I know that part of my role as a leader is to listen to my HBD to ensure her needs are met as well.
             The graduation itself was uneventful and it was good to spend time with my son, I made another mistake at the event, we were lining up and were about 12 feet away from my EX (the one you recall from last time that was playing my son against me over money). It appeared she didn't notice us  (despite my saying hi and waving, more on this later) and in my wanting to not be surprised if/when she noticed us, I made HDB insecure and upset her deeply. This led to a bad couple of hours and delayed the next days events (my fault). We went to do the touristy things in my old home town, took HBD for pizza at a place I worked at in HS that is still wildly successful (from 1 to 7 locations)  then on to sightseeing. All in all a good day.
               The drive home was going to take 3 days because we had planned a short driving day for the first day and only went for 2 ish hours, HBD let me know she was still upset and processing from the events of Fri and Sat. We had a good evening (except for a large town closing the restaurants before 10pm on a Sunday night) so it was kinda take what we could get for dinner.
              Monday was a long drive and we discussed it more, she was hurt not understanding why I looked at the ex the way I did, misreading my look as desire, not weariness, I sometimes forget how fragile HBD is because she is so strong and has survived so much.  I committed a big error: I assumed she was secure, not on the level of arrogance, more on the level of she has nothing to fear and she should know that. I have apologized and we have discussed this and with time the wound will heal, buy it is a lesson learned for me and even though my time if having to deal with that ex is definitely limited over the course of our future I will be wary of hurting HBD like that again.
            Thank you HBD for loving me and having faith in me, I love you. Your Sir Die Tryin

Sir Sunday, pre-graduation and Memorial Day edition, (aka Sir Monday)

            Have I ever mentioned to you that HBD and I have 8 children between us in 3 states? as they get older the normal rites of passage start to come around as they get older we are about to have my 2nd oldest graduate from High School, this necessitates a trip of almost 1300 miles each way. Being the adventurous couple we are we decide that driving is the way to go and it will allow for a couple of short visits with friends in other states.
            Herein lies the rub, the graduating child is already enlisted in the military and scheduled to go in August, my 1st ex contacted me asking to continue paying child support, with the comment , "you have already paid 11 years what's another 2 months". I told her no in not so many words, not 4 hours later my child is calling me stating they are "stressed out, because their mom has told them that because your dad isn't extending the child support until you leave, they need to cover the shortfall".
to me this is the worst kind of manipulation a parent can use to drive a wedge between a child and the other parent; this one is especially heinous because the older child (who just married and moved away) was not charged rent in the 14 months before they left. This is one of the major reasons she is an EX, she can't take responsibility for her own lack of planning I wanted to counter her comment with "and you have seen the end of this money coming for 11 years", bit in the not wanting to make a bad situation worse for the child I bit my tongue. My Graduating child has mentioned HBD and myself not attending because it will be awkward, translated the ex-wife is complaining and making their life hard because she doesn't want to see me with HBD (the ex has been on less than 10 dates in 11 years) and most of all she doesn't want to see me happy.
          Now the point of my lengthy preamble, no matter how bad the breakup, no matter how unhappy you are in your life, whether or not you take any responsibility in the failure of your marriage, you cannot take it out on the kids for your shortcomings, for your insecurities and unhappiness. This is the greatest crime you can perpetrate on your children. (rant mode off)

            As we are readying ourselves for this trip I am reminded why HBD is mine and my choice to spend my life with. Every day we are working on the routine, protocol, discussing what is working, or not and how to improve. I know this sounds against the M/s dynamic, but as we have struggled before I am taking a page from my leadership and managerial background, and listening. I feel this is working as HBD is communicating with me in an open manner, with respect, and genuine concern for our continuing growth and success. You can say I have given her a task and she is performing well, we had an instance the other night wherein the course of her duties she performed her task well and it ended up giving her an upset stomach for the next two days, I had neglected to properly address it and pushed, this was not in the best interest of her well being, our number one tenant. Needless to say, I almost ruined another good start, HBD to her credit addressed it with me in a calm and respectful way at the next possibility. I have to say I am looking forward to almost 50 hours in the car with HBD, it will allow for some good intimate conversations without major interruptions if I can keep her awake. Until next Sunday, stay safe and stay Kinky.

Die Tryin

It's been a long long time away, but now we are coming back....new and on the way to improvement

Greetings...and Salutations!!!

Did you think we had fallen off the internet? In a sense, I guess we did.  So much happened, and we just needed to take the time to be us again.  It was good, it was bad, and there is still so much growth and change ahead of us.

So, as a quick recap.

I am His_babydoll, I'm a bratty little submissive (slave wannabe), I met my Dom, Die_Tryin, online back in 2008. We were both married, unhappy, and trying to hold it together the best we could for our children. We had several face to face visits, both where I went to him and he came to me. We had ups and downs, more downs I'm sure it seemed to be.  Eventually, we both separated from our spouses and moved on to a life of our own.  Die_Tryin moved to Nebraska to be with me, and we hoped that things would fall into place...I'd like to say that they did.  But he moved her in 2010 and we still don't have the "lifestyle" that we hoped for.  Yes, we are married, and that is amazing. We are deeply in love with one another and that I wouldn't trade for anything.

But I will not deny that until recently, lifestyle has not been a part of our lives.  And frankly, sex was honestly non-existent.  On one hand, I missed it, on the other I was happy not to have it in my life.  I know that DT missed it terribly.  I felt guilty, I mean let's face it when he divorced his first wife they had gone well over 18 months without intercourse.  I'm sure he had to feel like he was living that same hell all over again. In that marriage, he felt unattractive, unloved, and unappreciated. Not just because of the sexual relationship, but the emotional side of the relationship was gone as well.  He has said before that he felt more like a live-in roommate or babysitter than a husband or partner.  While in his second marriage she would push him away time and time again, only to claim that she didn't feel he loved her anymore and needed to woo her back. Neither of these were positions I ever wanted him to feel he was in again because of me.

I was so unhappy with myself, that I would not allow myself to experience pleasure in anything, In fact, I would go out of my way to ensure that I was miserable.  It wasn't fair to him, and it damaged our relationship. I don't pretend to know why, or what my trigger was, I just know that I would do almost anything to avoid physical contact.  From kissing to touching to sex, I would avoid it at all costs.  To the point of being angry over nothing, and overworking simply to keep a distance between us.  If I could have found a way to sleep in separate beds I would have.

And then something happened, and I'm even more confused about what happened to draw us back to each other than I am about why we pulled apart to start with.  We were invited to a friends wedding about 9 hours from home, the plan was to leave Friday morning, drive to their family home where they had a room for us Friday and Saturday nights, then return home Sunday first thing in the morning.  We were roughly an hour and a half away from our destination Friday night when the car started acting up.  Shortly after it started acting up, we had no transmission. No forward, no reverse, it just felt like the car was in neutral. 11:30pm, in the mountains, an hour from any town. Cell service was poor and chances were we were going to be there a long time if we couldn't find a tow truck. No one answered... as luck would have it the owner of a small towing company happened to be out on a fuel run and drove past. He gave us the number to call someone and told us they would be our best bet.  But we couldn't take the chance so asked him what it would cost for him to go get his truck and take us to the next town 45 miles away.  He told us, and while it was a ton more than I wanted to pay, it was reasonable and he was there.  30 minutes later, he was back, loading our car up on the tow truck to haul it to the shop. Thankfully, the mechanic was located on the fringe edge of a town but had two hotels, a few restaurants, and a beautiful view of the mountains. We checked in Friday night and checked out Tuesday morning. $300.00 tow, $320.00 hotel, and $1500.00 in repair charges to the mechanic before we were back on the road.  It was pretty uneventful, I worked, he watched TV.  I had my period, no sex for us, we all know this is something I just don't do.  Something changed in me during this trip, I don't know what, or why.  But I know that I couldn't be more grateful for the universe stepping in and taking my world by storm.

We came home, and things were back to normal right?

NO!  They are anything but normal.

Well, let me clarify, life, in general, is normal.  But sex and our relationship are far from what we have lived through the last several years. From the night we came home we have had amazing sex, playtime, bondage, a little slave play, a lot of pain play, and a huge amount of communication on how we are going to get back to the path we both so badly wanted when we got together. The only night we haven't was because I wasn't feeling well.  I'm still facing some of my old demons, how to give the trust that was once lost (and continues to be tested at times), how to fit lifestyle into day to day life.  How to be an M/s couple in day to day life but still keep it from my children. So, tonight I filled his plate for dinner. It was small but it was something, now to look into more ways to fit this into our daily life. I'm all ears and up for suggestions.

After much Pause, A return to Sir Sunday...

                  It's been a long time, too long, since I have sat at the computer with the express purpose of blogging my private, Our private lives. The life we keep from the kids, family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. A life few outsides of those who live it could comprehend, sure you could argue that BDSM or SM is becoming mainstream with the writing and movies along the 50 shades vein.

               
                So you ask where am I going with this? When you decide this is the lifestyle that you cannot deny, your true inner self, you find yourself at conflict with societal norms (assuming you are trying to live under the radar). While in a large city or metropolis it is easier to achieve social anonymity, in a small city or rural setting the anonymity is a harder thing to keep. HBD and I joke openly about "welcome to our town where everyone knows your business before it is your business". As absurd as it sounds it is completely true. I am going to confess as our children get older they notice more, question more and this worried me, as I don't want to influence or set a stigma about relationships for two impressionable youngsters, who might not understand the dynamics of HBD's and my relationship.  Especially as their biological father was a verbal and mental abuser on the verge of going physical before we met and she escaped from him. To them, the discipline and power exchange could look like the mental abuse their father perpetrated and continues to attempt on HBD and sometimes even them. The younger often inserts them-self into conversations that are not their place, to "protect" HBD for what is perceived as an abusive situation. This messes with the M/s dynamic as it adds delay for correction and interaction and this, unfortunately, led to my failure as  I could not find my way around it mentally. As you, our returning and possibly new readers will learn we are getting back to the lifestyle. As the past couple of years have had their ups and downs, we have weathered the storm and have re-tasked our resolve to one another to make this work. Will there be bumps, probably, will there be challenges? definitely! But we welcome you to follow our journey through Love and Submission.

hoarding...

Have you ever seen Hoarding: Buried Alive? I used to watch that show, for reassurance that I was NOT like that. My life wasn't that bad. There was always someone worse. I could look at images like this







and I could say, thats not me! I don't hoard, I just don't have the time to keep up with what needs done. I'm not a hoarder, I just don't have any help. My ex refused to ever give me a moments peace when he was on the road, I lived on the phone with him. And if he felt that I wasn't giving him 150% of my attention then he would battle with me. That meant I never got cleaning done with him on the phone. He would be so angry with me. Then he'd come home and demand that I give him every waking moment of my time. If I got up and started to clean, then he would get mad and insist that I didn't love him any more or that I didn't want to be with him.

Excuses....in reality this is what I lived in....

Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.

Make it stop....

I know it seems like all I've been doing lately is whining, and complaining. Mostly about DT. I won't deny I'm here to do it one more time.

I just can't help myself right now. I'm so torn inside, and I feel like I'm dying, I have no motivation to do anything but work and sleep. There is just so much running around my head, the chaos is deafening.

When DT moved out here there were several conditions, several that he set for himself. Among them was starting this business. I have to say that I have so much faith in this man, I know that he can do anything that he sets his mind to. He is a hard worker, he would work himself to death if he had to. When he's working for someone else. But in this job, working for us, for me as we agreed. Well, it's not working so well. Several times I have said I'm ready to throw in the towel to call it quits, on the business that is. And when I do he's shocked and hurt, and inside I feel that I have let him down. That by giving in so easily I have lost faith in him and his ability.

The truth is, I have. That reality hurts me, as much as I know it hurts him.


We will work this out, we will talk about it and we will come out ahead. That's the beauty of us. We are dedicated to making our relationship work. And if that means that we dissolve the business - so be it. If that means that we step away from the BDSM, and M/s aspects of our relationship - then we will. The priority of our relationship never changes. We will be together, happily.


That doesn't mean that I'm throwing in the towel. Far from it, I have a resolve to be a better sub, a stronger slave, and to see that my Sir is a stronger leader. That just means a lot of soul searching, a lot of research, and a lot of patience. Lord and Lady give me patience.