DT and I have taken some time off. He had a child graduating from High School in California. After 100 different plans for the trip, some with the other kids, some with just him alone, we finally decided that we would load up in the car and drive just the two of us.
The quick details, we left home on Wednesday, drove to Utah where we had planned to stay at the home of a friend. A friend who happened to stand us up and we had to find a hotel at the last minute that night. Thursday morning we got up and headed off on the last leg of our trip to California where we had booked a hotel for 3 nights. Graduation was Friday, Saturday we spent the day running around San Francisco with the graduate. The Sunday we headed back home, planning a stop in Reno for some adult time before heading out Monday for a stop in Idaho to visit with friends, and then leaving there to head home on Tuesday, where we arrived on Wednesday at 5:30 in the morning.
It was a good trip, we enjoyed ourselves, connected on levels we hadn't intended and reached new understandings in our relationship.
We spent a large amount of time on the initial leg of our trip discussing our relationship as it has changed and adapted since our last trip. Not having the kids with us allowed for a much more free-flowing conversation. One of the things we spent a good amount of time on is refreshing where our heads are at regarding hard stops, no go's and turn-offs. This part of the conversation took a long time, and it took a lot of effort for me.
The hardest part about this conversation was admitting that while we had always said no to DD/lg relationships and dynamic, it was actually something I needed. I needed it on a deep cellular level and that scared me, I just knew that if I admitted this to DT I would be damaging our relationship. This was a hard NO for him, I would rather live without telling him and know that this would never be a part of our life than tell him and be denied the need. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the thing that made this a hard NO for us was the misconception that this dynamic was based on pedophilia, daddy issues, or infantilism. None of which were the things that I wanted in our relationship. What I want, is to be carefree, childish, a BRAT, to be able to let go of my adult worries, know that I have a safe place to go always, to be allowed to step away from all the responsibility I deal with daily, to allow the weight of the world to fall from my shoulders and be carried by someone else. More importantly, I need someone to take care of me, to make sure I have what I need, when I need it, to make sure that I take care of my own basic needs, and to have my needs taken care of by him. What I have previously seen as a slave mentality and need, was actually a little mentality.
This was a terrifying conversation and one that I'm still trying to process. I don't know if it will happen, I know that now I ache for it. I know that I'm still scared that I will be let down again, and I know that I still feel that DT and I have some different pictures of what this will look like. Only time will tell. But for now, I know that we are moving forward as a couple, in a D/s relationship. And for now, I'm trying to let that be enough.
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