Teen angst.....

As many of you know I have a 17-year-old daughter. She's had it rough until DT came into my life and started getting me back on track. But since then she's had life pretty good. She goes to school, comes home, does her chores which consist of doing the dishes, and taking care of her cat, then on to homework, dinner, and bedtime. She's kind of a homebody but I do let her go out with friends and to school events, all she has to do is get chores and homework done...oh and the important part, ASK. She has a school-issued laptop, an mp3 player, a knock off kindle book reader, a cell phone, and her own room. She does not have a job, a car or a driver's license (all at her choosing).

She also has a big problem letting go of the sins of the past. I married an ass, I know this, he was very hard on her, borderline verbally abusive. When we took her to a therapist 6 months ago, she went on and on about the fact that she was acting out because of all the things he does. The therapist says, how long since you've lived with him, and DD says over a year. The therapist says, don't you think its time you moved on and stopped rehashing that as if it were today. They went on to discuss how it happened in the past and while it needs to be worked through its not still happening and she needs to stop placing all the blame there. That things have changed and she should acknowledge the changes (which she refuses to do) I'm still the horrible mother of then, she will not concede that I have changed, that things are better. Its all about then.
Now, I agree she needs to work through these things, they were horrible, and she needs to find a way to process them.

Fast forward to Monday, she gets caught with her cell phone - texting. She has been grounded from the cell phone because she was giving her phone number to people she met online. One, in particular, was in Florida, she claims she's madly in love with him, that they are going to live together when she graduates. So, texting was shut off. Monday, we find her texting ...this time, some guy in Illinois, one in Iowa, and another in New Jersey. Who are they? She claims she doesn't know. How did she meet them? online. What does she know about them, nothing? After an hour of trying to explain to her why that's not safe, how it not only puts her in danger but also her sisters and me. She can only say that she doesn't understand what she did wrong. I pointed out to her two cases in our area of girls in their teens being abducted from their homes, one beaten, and raped. The other beaten, raped, cut into pieces and burned. I asked her if she wanted that for herself, she said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted that for her sisters she said....sometimes. That sometimes she gets mad at them and wishes something bad would happen to them. When confronted about how that is not normal she goes into fits of laughter saying that she's going to scream and pull her hair out if she doesn't laugh.

After several hours she agrees that she will live by the rules of the house, rather than go to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. We told her there is one rule and one rule only.......Do what you are told, no questions asked. We concede that she can ask how to do something or for clarification on what needs to be done. But she is not to question WHY. We also said that once you're done with what you were instructed then you can ask why and we'll explain it. (This no questions asked policy was added because she is constantly saying she doesn't understand why she has to do something, you can explain it in great finite detail, and again she'll claim she does not understand, over and over until its time for bed and nothing has been done). She agreed to this. The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

Then comes Tuesday, said DD doesn't come home from school. I got a phone call from her friend's cell phone and she said that was staying late to talk to a teacher. When I called the school, none of her teachers had seen her since school got out. Eventually, she showed up at the house, where she was told that she would not be allowed in the house until she handed over the laptop. An hour later, and a bit of a tug of war and I have the laptop. She had been warned that if she did not hand it over peacefully that I would also require that she hand over her mp3 player and book reader. Again, she refused and stormed off down the street. After a couple minutes, we went after her, and couldn't find her. Tried calling friends and no one would admit to seeing her. So, we did what a concerned parent would, we called the police. An officer came out and agreed that he felt she was just being a bratty teen and would be home when she got cold or hungry.

About an hour later she called from her friend's cell phone. Asking if I wanted her to come home, I told her I didn't want her to leave in the first place. I asked where she was and told her I would be there to pick her up. She said she would meet me at the gas station. I called the officer we had talked to and asked him to meet me there. A quick drive over and there he was, just as she walked up. He did his part as the "bad" cop to try and get through to her. I tell you I honestly thought she was going to spit in his face. It was really a waste of his time. It meant nothing to her. We left and got into the car, I told her this did not change things, that she still had to turn over her mp3 player and book reader if she wanted to come home. She refused, so I started off to the hospital to have her admitted for a mental health evaluation. 15 miles down the road she's trying to bargain with me. She'll give me them if we go home, I said no, you give them to me and I'll turn around. She'll give it to me if I turn around, I said no you'll give it to me and then I'll turn around. Finally, she gave it to me. And within 5 minutes she is laughing so hard at a tree she saw on the side of the road that you can't hear the radio.

She was told that today she would be picked up at school, and turn over her laptop to DT or me, and then we would go home, she would do chores and then she could do her homework. When that was done she would give her laptop back to us until morning. If she does this and does not have a major meltdown, screaming fit, or back talking smart mouth attitude then she'll get her mp3 player back.

DT went to the school to pick her up, he was going to try and talk to her, he seems to have a way with her that I don't. 10 minutes after school got out, still no sign of her. So he went into the school and had them page her, within minutes she showed up. I don't know what is happening, I know they are together.

I'm just at my wit's end with her, she doesn't care that she hurts me or her sisters. She doesn't care that she puts all of us at risk. She doesn't care about anything but the people she has been talking to online.


I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry.......and I just wish I had some idea what to do to help the situation.

The valentines debacle

How do you measure love? When you look at yourself and your partner what is the shape of your relationship?

Draw two lines one for you and one for your partner, what does it look like?   Does it look like two waves drifting apart and then coming back to each other? I've seen it many times couples that drift apart until the next big thing comes along. Like having a baby or buying a house.  The trouble is that once the thrill wears off they start to drift apart again.  And what happens when you run out of big things?

Or do the lines start together until one partner's line jumps up, to be followed by the other trying to keep up with the first partner's expectations?  This is that couple who always needs bigger and better to feel loved.  When the little gestures are no longer enough.  The man who was once happy a new set of golf clubs, now won't be happy without the new clubs, and a pull behind cart, next year that won't be enough either.  Where do they go when the money runs out or they hit the top of the line?

Or maybe you look at your line and its full of jagged jumps apart, explosive collisions,  and dramatic gaps where the lines vanish altogether.  These are the couples that thrive on conflict.  They start out as small tiffs that turn to fights, cheating, separation, or even abuse. Where do these lines end? Where do they go?

All of these couples have one thing in common,  a constant escalation.


I know there are many other lines, some work, some don't.  No two couples have the same lines.

So what does your line look like?

I know what I want mine to look like with die_tryin.....




This line starts out apart and has come together with little steps gradual movement, closer and closer. Until finally the line comes together and runs parallel, slowly lifting, growing, the lines become thicker and closer together, until finally, they are one line, still moving upwards together.

But how do I get there? what is it that brings us slowly closer, that makes us larger and more complete? It's not the new house, the new car, the baby. It's the little things. The text in the middle of the day when he just KNOWS that its been rough even without having heard from me. Its the nightly tuck in, with a kiss to my sweet spot and the kiss on the lips, and the directions to sleep sweet and dream of whatever thought he puts into my head. Its the small gestures, the card at Valentine's, the note that tells me how he feels about me, the poem he wrote because he thought of me. The way he always makes me coffee, how he just KNOWS when I need him to be rough, to beat me into a calmer state, or the way he knows that I need to be tied up and centered. The way he can tell when I simply need to be taken and left feeling used.

Now I'm seeing that my line is flawed because those little things aren't always there. Like the Valentine's Day debacle....he bought me a stuffed dog weeks before, and I was grateful, I love it. I use it as a pillow when I nap after work. Then we went out to dinner two nights before. It was an incredible meal at the Golf club, and I loved it. The food was good, we dressed up, and I felt like a Lady. But, the little things weren't there...no card, no note, no poem. And I was saddened by this.



Call me crazy, but I'd give up all the fancy dinners for the rest of my life, just for those little things.

HNT.....a hopeful return

Its been sometime since we were able to get an HNT up, so I figured it was past time....so here you go a little peak






Now I'm sure you've already been there, but just in case you haven't...
don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

Sometimes it really is all about me....

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. What else do you do when you can't sleep? And I've come to the realization that sometimes this life we lead, the way that we have chosen, is more about me and my needs than it is about him and his.

I need him to lead....I need to step away I need to give up control. I need to shut off my inner dialog and just go with the flow. But what one needs and what one gets are quite often two different things. As in my life right now, I am the one leading, poking, prodding, pulling, nagging, coaxing, screaming, yelling.....and dieing inside

I'm tired....I'm sick.....

Yes, you could say I'm sick and tired....literally.

I'm not sleeping well, not only because of this killer sore throat, difficulty breathing, and fits of lung crushing coughing. But on top of all that my head is spinning, full of thoughts and troubles that keep me awake no matter how hard I try to shut them down.

The foundation of my life with DT is open and honest communication. There is nothing we can't say to each other even if it hurts, we know that anything said is said with love, and the desire to be a strong and constantly growing couple. Here's the thing, sometimes you can say something raw, open, honest, lay your heart on the ground.....and still find that nothing changes. But it's still an issue, unresolved, and it hurts. A hurt so bad that it crawls inside you and begins to eat away at the one thing that makes you ....you. The only way to make the hurt go away is to talk about it. To tell him again what hurts, and why it hurts, even when you know that it's not going to change. Which hurts worse?? Talking about it and being hurt by the one you love and trust the most, or holding in and letting it eat away at you?

Right now, I've decided to just let it eat away at me...I'd rather hurt myself than be hurt by him.

Now, if I could only sleep........