Protocols, or the lack thereof

Ever since Die_tryin and I started down the course of this Master/slave life we have said that once this or that happens things will change and we'll be able to get on track to where we want to be.

When we started out together we were both living with other people, 1600 some miles away from each other. First, we said things would change when his EX was out of the house, but I was still with my EX so that put a damper on things as well. Once I moved out we thought things would get a little better, and I'm sure they did. But all in all, there wasn't much change. We were still 1600 miles away, and both of us were working. There were a couple little things that we did, nightly tuck-ins, and morning wake up calls just to name a couple. Finally, Die_tryin moved out to be with me; this was it, we were going to be able to move forward right??? right?? Wrong. DT didn't live with me, he had his own apartment and spent nights there. It was worse than having him across the country. We continued with our good nights and our wake-ups. I brought him dinner most nights, and when I worked at night he would cook for me. Again, we both said that things would get better when we were together full time. Now, here we are. DT has his apartment still although the last time he spent the night there was months ago. The last time he was there for more than a few minutes was still WEEKS ago. So, why do I still feel like something is missing?

We have no direction. No protocols, no expectations, I'm his sub, his slave, his wife in all but name. And still, I feel like all I am missing something. The good nights have slipped to the sidelines, the wake ups are there in a different way. I make his plate at dinner, but other than that.....

So now, I'm off and running reading and researching protocol. Maybe we'll stumble upon something that sends us in the right direction. I can only hope that we can pull ourselves out of this slump soon.

Humbled....

It was set to be a fantastic weekend, the 3 girls would be at my ex-in-laws for the annual Christmas cookie and candy making. Which meant that DT and I would have the house to ourselves. Sure I had to work Sunday, but the rest of the weekend would be ours. Until I found out that my son would be with us Saturday. I love my son, and I'm very glad to see him. Even when playtime gets interrupted.

We had a great morning, sleeping in, followed by an hour of rough and tumble play. Spanking, flogging, screaming, orgasms. It was intense, we knew it was going to be short. The whole time, he was filling my ears with the growling promises of this and that after my son left. Between the intense fucking and the beating I had just taken, I was on the edge of subspace, fighting not to slip over the edge. I knew once I was gone I would be in no condition to get up, shower and deal with my attention-seeking son when he arrived. We cuddled a few minutes while my heart stopped racing and then headed to the shower. A quick stop at the mirror showed a rosy red ass and some incredible bite marks on my back and shoulders. Reminders I would carry with me all day.






My son arrived and we were off and running errands for the business, as well as a little last-minute Christmas shopping for the girls. The day was good, quality time with the boy child, good food, and lots of laughter. Honestly, it ended too soon. But that is another story for another day.

After he left, DT and I ran out to rent a movie, and grab some snacks. After our big lunch, we knew we weren't going to need much. The movie was good, had a bit of an S/m storyline that neither one of us realized when we rented it. I had been in a very high state of arousal all day, waiting for the promised evening....wax, beatings, floggings, spanking, pussy breaking sex, and a flight into subspace I'd never forget. He promised.....

DT doesn't make promises lightly, even for little things, if he isn't going to keep a promise, he won't make it. So, when he gives me his word, it's good as gold. )I say that on the heels of his trip to California, where he did break a promise. Something very petty to most, but to me devastating. It was important that we have our nightly tuck in, we always have, and many many times he made me promise not to go to bed without it when we are together much less separated.)Anyway back to the topic at hand. He promised I would get what I needed to pull myself back together again.

Things started out well. A little slut on the bed, the crop, and flogger playing with her flesh. Front and back, anywhere he could make the leather land it did. The paddle came out, oh how I hate the paddle. He spanked me, it hurt...but I needed it, wanted it, ached for more. The wand came out and he would get me to the brink, pull it away and then start in with the beating again. I was in slave heaven. Every impact of the leather brought me closer to the brink, the place I needed to be. Then he decided it was time to fuck me. Now I'll admit I was a little disappointed I thought he was going to push me farther, but hey I love the man, and I love his cock so I was NOT about to resist. I took it, and I loved it. We fucked this way and that, hard, tender, oh so good. When he came, we came together.....and then we curled up on the bed in each other's arms and enjoyed the quiet. The us time. I could tell it was over, he was done with me for the night. And then the hurt rolled in. I tried everything to relax and just accept it. Isn't it his prerogative to change his mind? To give and take what he wants when he wants. If I'm going to subspace its because he deems its time. It isn't my decision to make. So, I tried...really I tried.

He got up and turned out the light, talking to me softly, saying it was time to go to sleep. And I slipped, I had been so high all day, that when I dropped I dropped hard. I felt rejected, I felt lied to, I felt let down, I was broken, and I was on a severe sub-drop. I fought like hell not to cry, not to let him know that I was so hurt. But he knows me well, and so he drug it out of me. All I could say was...

Don't ever make a promise to me again.

To which he answered, did it have to be over?

Did it have to be over?

Of course, it was over, my headspace was screwed by now, I could no more get to sub-space than I could grow wings and fly. I called him out, I know not a very subby thing to do. I told him it had to be over, that he had given off every indication it was over. That he was done. He told me no, he wasn't done....and I told him not to lie to me. Of course, he said he wasn't lying, but even I know he was. He didn't do it to hurt me, he didn't do it to be dishonest...he did it to protect me from himself. He did it to try and fix what he had just broken. I see that I saw it then, but all I wanted at that moment, was to be left alone. Don't touch me, don't comfort me, just let me cry. I told him that, and he said. "You know that's not my nature" And I do know it. I know that it's his nature to calm and soothe me when I'm hurt. So, I let him. And it felt so good. But now, I find myself still in a constant state of drop. Disappointed, and frankly not in the mood to do much of anything. I don't know how to bring myself out of it either.

I'm just broken...

Today is another day...

I'm tired....so very very tired. Another night alone in bed, cold, unable to sleep, tossing and turning all night looking for the one thing that would help me sleep. The warmth of his body next to mine - I hurt deeply, and he wasn't there to heal me.

We had a promise to never got to bed without our nightly tuck-in, in person or on the phone. It was my promise to him and his promise to me. Yet last night I didn't get that tuck in....and it hurt. It's our protocol, its what makes us who we are. And it didn't happen. I had to get up at 3 am to be ready for work. A good co-worker called me to make sure I was up, and shortly after DT called to wake me up. He explained that he had talked to his EX and she was supportive. She's moved on long ago and seems happy for him.

I spent the day at work, working feverishly to get caught up and get everything done. Its been a hell of a couple weeks at the store and I feel like I'm always moving backward. It's not even 7 and honestly, after all, I've gone through recently, I'm ready for bed. But I know....with every cell in my body...I won't sleep.