Emotionally exhausted...

I have to apologize for my absence the last few days. I'm just not in a good place mentally right now, and blogging has been so very far from my mind. Which is a very sad thing for me. I love blogging, I love getting my feelings out and sharing them with others, I feel like I've given up a part of me the last few days.


As most of you know Die_Tryin has been moving his SO from his coast home back to her parents in the midwest. Unfortunately, this is also causing me huge amounts of turmoil. I am at battle with myself. I know he loves me, wants me, needs me...as much as I do him. But I can't help but fall back into my doubts and insecurities that she will win this battle.


I can't sleep, so I'm physically exhausted, I can hardly eat I have no appetite, I'm stressed to the max leaving me emotionally exhausted as well. I have a headache that just won't go away and I'm fighting tears every time I hear his voice. I'm not the strong woman he thinks I am. I'm not the strong woman I think I am....I'm weak and emotional.

So, I find myself reaching back to our trip last month. Remembering the feel of his touch, the way his kisses taste....and getting lost again in the feel of his body possessing mine. Is this an odd way to find strength? Drawing his strength into me to get through the next 24 hours?

Struggling...

I'm struggling right now...




As many of you know DT and I have a completely open and honest relationship. There are no secrets, and we are not afraid to tell each other EXACTLY how we feel. Normally this is a very calming and refreshing feeling for me. But tonight, I'm struggling with it.

I'm mad at him. Honestly MAD, this is a first for us. I have never been mad at him, and while I can't speak for him I do not believe he has ever been truly mad at me either. The bad part is that I find myself in a position of having to put open and honest aside in order to keep this added stress off him while he's getting his SO moved out. He did something that made me mad, and it can't be undone now. So, why even let it fester until he's home? Because I can't NOT tell him.

Now to top this off, I have all these major emotions going right now, we hardly talked yesterday because of packing, we hardly spoke today because of loading the truck. Then he had to go to a neighbors house to clean up and sleep because the AC at their house froze up and it's too hot to stay home. This is two nights that I was counting on having him to help me through this. Now I'm going into the worst few days of my life with him to date, and I'm floundering because I wasn't able to have the time I needed to be open and honest with him today. This is NOT a trend that I want to see starting with us.

I will admit that having to repress this open honesty is like telling me to stop breathing, it's crushing me.

Its just that deep...

The move is upon us. That means that my time with DT is very limited right now, and I have to say I'm not sure which one of us is struggling more. It's been months since he has slept with her, in the same room much less the same bed. Knowing that he is sleeping in a separate room, in a bed alone has helped me to get past the fact that he goes home to her every night.

Its been almost a month since I got to sleep in the same bed with my Sir, and now I know that he will be forced to sleep in the same hotel room with her Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night in the same room at her parent's house. And this thought is ripping my heart out. But DT knows me and knows my insecurities, so he has reserved a room with not one bed, but TWO! Because he knows this would make me feel more comfortable with the situation. This man is amazing and has done so much to keep me sane. But I never feel like I do enough for him.

Because of that, I don't ask him for things, but today I found myself in the position of asking him for something. Something small, and petty, but that I needed to feel better about us. To be more secure in our path. I asked him to leave his wedding ring at his in-law's house with his SO. A little background, when his SO found out about us, he quit wearing his ring. She has told people that he isn't wearing it because of weight gain, that it's uncomfortable. I guess this helps her get through the day knowing people don't know the truth behind it. She had asked him to wear the ring at her parent's house, to put on a show for her parents so they don't think she failed. The thought of him putting that ring back on has me feeling caged, unable to breathe and ready to run. Why? I'm still working that through my mind.



Today she has been almost bi-polar in her attitudes towards the ring. Wear it please, never mind it means more to me than to you, then oh I'm sorry I was just upset. I can't stand this. I do NOT want that ring back on him. Damn it he is MINE. So, where does it stand? I don't know I suspect that he'll wear it back there. But I also believe that he will do what I asked and leave it there. He is saying he'll leave it as a last-minute thing just to avoid her slipping it back in his bag before he leaves. And there I struggle again because I know him and I'm afraid that things will be rushed and crazy before he leaves, thus leaving and flying back home wearing HER ring.



This is petty and childish, but it means more to me than even I'm willing to admit.

We Interrupt this story with a reality break !!!..... AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Sir Sunday

We interrupt this story with a reality break !!!..... AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Hello again, it must be Sunday again because here I am “on my soapbox in this corner of the internet”. I know today is to a much smaller audience as we recently had to go “underground” and “private” for a bit as we regroup from a bit of a “Reality check”. As you all read in the last post, HBD's FX found the blog,. And luckily for us, the combination of his confrontational nature and his low IQ kept HBD a little safe from him finding out the WHOLE story. (He couldn't get past HBD's sexy pictures from the last HNT). This has truly confirmed in my mind that he is truly just a walking penis, with no cares for HBD except for the express use of her body for his own pleasure. As HBD and I have full disclosure about all things past and present, I am at least familiar with his “shortcomings” in the role of the lover. This latest tirade from the FX is another in a long line of episodes that have me apologizing for Men as a whole.

I had asked HBD earlier if things in her marriage had ever been “good” at one point, (from being married twice myself I know at one point both of my marriages had been good, then through life and personal growth and atrophy things fell into disrepair). Here is a little transcript:

HBD:.....when things were "good" between us, well let's face it he never was really in one place long enough to make connections

DT: true enough, how long did things stay good?

HBD: honestly? good, or just my perception of good?

DT: honestly
.
HBD: My perception of good, mmmm, until about a year and a half ago.........truly good......never

DT: I am sorry that your marriage was never "good"...

HBD: Don't be. I didn't realize it wasn't, in my mind it was great.

HBD: I just didn't see the wrongs in it

DT: I know but on discovery, there has to be some regret

HBD: Yeah, there is. But on the other hand, I realize I had to go through that to be where I am now. Some times the reward outweighs the regret. And if I dwell on that regret I mentally put myself back into being beat down.

DT: well I won't let you go back there, lover...

HBD: I know, and I Thank You for that. You've pulled me back out of that hole, its kinda funny to say that I'm not leaving this marriage and the hell I live in for you, I am leaving it for me. But then to turn around and say that I never would have done it without you. It seems to be a contradiction of terms.




DT: All I did was shine the light and show you the "rope' (I know metaphor overload) you had to be willing to climb it for your self, I cannot make you climb it

HBD: Exactly...some days I feel like I just need to clarify that again. I'm not leaving my current because of us, I would do it anyway.

DT: I know lover, I wouldn't have it any other way

HBD: you and us, are just the icing on the cake

DT: Exactly Babydoll...







Now looking at this exchange between us, this is a common occurrence, we are always helping each other, not just in lifestyle but in life. I am proud to say I am completely in love with the whole person that is HBD, not just the sexy part ( well that is a great bonus). I want to thank you HBD for allowing me to love you, help you and nurture you. I am so very proud of the strides you are making and I will be here for you every step of the way, forever and a day!

~DT

Oh the stress.....

So, here I am wondering how the hell I could be so careless!! After giving DT such a hard time for letting a letter slip into his wife's hands I go and point my husband to our blog!

Briefly, this is how it went down. I had an account on tumblr that my husband knew all about, it had started as a place for me to put up images to try and improve our sex life. It failed. I quit updating it and I moved on to a new tumblr for DT and me to put our thoughts into. At some point, I decided that my old tumblr needed a link to my new one, and well there was my downfall.

My husband went to that tumblr page in hopes of getting his rocks off. From there he was led to our new tumblr, and then it was just a click away and he was on my blog page, looking at me in a dress with a sexy click through to my bra/panties/garter set.

Here is where it gets funny, he is more upset about the fact that I wore that set to see another man than the fact that I was WITH another man. OK, so he didn't read enough of the blog to know all the details, and what little he did read he thinks was fiction. WHEW on that note. But really can you imagine that was what bothered him? The fact he bought me undergarments and I didn't wear them for HIM!

HNT....inside the outside

So, you all heard about me meeting Die_Tryin in Denver at the airport, and you heard about my bragging rights, AND you heard about me standing naked in front of him loving me all the while. Well, here you go...the dress I picked him up in, don't forget to click to see what was underneath!






I know you all have to be tired of Denver shots, but well I have a million of them so you just have to deal with it. LOL

Stopover and visit Osbasso and all of the other wonderful folks on HNT this week!!

Personal vows...

I know that in the typical D/s relationship a collaring ceremony is pretty standard practice. But there is nothing standard or normal about my Sir Die_Tryin and myself. We march to our own beat and we are completely in sync with one another.

Back in May DT asked me to be his one and the only sub, to allow him the honor of being my Dom. I gladly accepted as you can see below...

Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:52:53 PM): I have a question and I am laying it out on the line here
His_BabyDoll (5/9/2009 11:53:54 PM): ok, well you know I'll always be honest with you......and I will never intentionally or knowingly hurt you. You mean to much to me.
Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:54:23 PM): thank you...I'm not even sure if this is the right way to phrase this,,,,,
Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:54:53 PM): well HBD will you be my 1st, and only Sub, if I promise to keep you well and treat you in the manner customary of the dom/sub relationship as we grow and learn together
His_BabyDoll (5/9/2009 11:55:23 PM): you're welcome
Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:56:23 PM): heart in my throat
His_BabyDoll (5/9/2009 11:56:29 PM): Wow, you nailed it....give me a second, so I can get my thoughts from my head to my fingers without sounding like a silly school girl.
His_BabyDoll (5/9/2009 11:57:04 PM): ok, the short answer and then I'll put my thoughts together......short answer......yes
Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:57:26 PM): Whew....heart returning to normal
Die_Tryin (5/9/2009 11:57:47 PM): you have made me very happy
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:04:23 AM): ok, my brain and my fingers still aren't really on the same page, but I'm gonna try to put my thoughts out there
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:04:28 AM): Ok...
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:06:31 AM): wow, ok.....me being a sub is not something I tell people. I can only think of 3 .....1 didn't understand it and was scared by it, the other was all for it but the reality was that he wanted a punching bag....no he never touched me I stopped it before it got there......and 3 is you.
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:06:30 AM): Just remember, I will always love you
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:07:15 AM): trying to get my heart to slow down...lol
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:08:20 AM): well #2 was an idiot that is not what it is about if I am reading correctly it is about trust, control and the ability to give up control
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:08:37 AM): I love you!! can't even begin to tell you how much. That love and the trust I have for you are the reason I showed you that side of me. And you were accepted that in me.
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:08:39 AM): and have love on a deeper level
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:09:11 AM): you've read it right.
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:09:38 AM): well HBD I must have always thought about this kind of love but never knew what it was...
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:09:56 AM): and you were here waiting for me all along
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:10:15 AM): brb,,,
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:11:03 AM): most people don't realize it until a trigger comes along.
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:12:27 AM): well I know that My love for you won't diminish... but I don't want to make you "complicated situation" change as well
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:13:19 AM): Just so you know I have been working myself up to ask you that question for about 3 days now
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:13:46 AM): I have to tell you that for all the knowledge I've put together on this, and on me and I wants needs desires that I've never been in a D/s relationship, and so we will really have a lot of learning to do together.
His_BabyDoll (5/10/2009 12:14:27 AM): I'm glad you asked!! Thank you, you have made my night.....week....month....year....well I think you get the picture.
Die_Tryin (5/10/2009 12:14:43 AM): thank you as well, baby




We had decided that we would have a dedication/vows ceremony on June 22nd, because of the summer solstice. But as that date came closer and our vows were written I convinced him to wait until the New Moon July 22nd, my birthday, when we would be together in Denver. Face to face our vows would mean so much more to us. So, it was decided. Below you'll see the vows we shared, first my vows to DT.....


DT, when you asked me to be your submissive, I was swept up in the moment. I had no idea then that we would come to be the partners we are now. You've given me this ring as a symbol of your commitment to care for and protect me, to cherish me and have my well being at heart. In such a short time this thing between us has grown to be so much more for both of us.

I proudly accept and wear this ring the one we have designed together, declaring that I am His - Yours. In wearing this ring I will commit to you, completely. My heart, body, and soul. I surrender myself to you as your one and only submissive but not just that, as so much more. I come to you with my heart in my hand offering you my love and partnership

Together we are friends, lovers, confidants, partners, Dom & sub, and one day when the time is right - husband and wife. I love you DT, completely and will spend the rest of life honoring your love for me, in all that I do. Thank you, for loving me.




and now his vows to me...

HBD, while I loved you for a long time before I realized it, we both have come
To realize that we were meant to be. I humbly asked you to be my "one and only sub",
And when you accepted I was ecstatic.

HBD, I promise to take care of you, Body, Mind and Soul, to be your Partner as well as
your Dom. My love for you growing daily will shelter you from the slings and arrows of the world.

We have transcended the original bond and my vow is still as strong as ever, but now there is even more.
We are partners, friends, lovers, confidants, and Dom/sub. All of these are complicated apart but together they make us whole.

I give you this ring as a symbol of my eternal love for you and as a reminder of my vigilance and dedication to you, and when the fates deem us worthy, my promise to make you my wife.


After we both spoke our vows we did a mini candle lighting ceremony, two lights merged into one. With a candle that would come back home with me so that every time I light it, I am reminded of these vows. Did I mention that this is the one and only time that I have taken my ring off? I took it off just long enough for the ceremony to work its magic, and for this amazing man to put it back on my finger, his hands my hands, together. The moment is one I will never forget.

A year from now, on that same date, we intend to make this official, so everyone send us your thoughts and prayers that we can both extract ourselves completely from our current situations by then.

r

PAIN

Sir Sunday

From the Mind of Sir Die_Tryin.

PAIN







The topic today is pain, unfortunately not the good ecstasy kind of pain derived from a good and vigorous “play” session. The kind of pain I am referring to is the deep pain in a situation that has gone beyond your control and you feel helpless to protect or help the other party involved.

This weekend was one of those long painful sessions when HBD's SO was home, as the regular readers know his job keeps him on the road for extended periods of time, not long enough by either of our likings. A little background about HBD's SO, he is EX military, an abuser, mental and emotional at this point but has a distinct potential for the physical abuse, it has surfaced in little manifestations up until now. He is a large man over 6' tall and weighing in over 280 lbs while HBD is a petite thing at just over 5' and less than 140 lbs. She is defiantly fighting out of her weight class. He is a bully by nature and uses his size to intimidate HBD and others as a means to get his way, and like all bullies when you show indifference or defiance it pushes them to the physical.

The last two days have been unbearable for me, they were going to discuss the plans for their impending divorce and separation, the details of who gets what and who pays for what. All their phone calls on this topic have always ended with him screaming and threatening to turn off all the utilities and services to the house. You can see where my helplessness has kicked in, being 1600 miles away doesn't help. So now where the pain begins.

He came home Friday late and interrupted our normal evening chatting and communication, he was in a foul mood and already starting shit. His whole focus was to get a sexual "release" and attempted everything he could to get HBD to comply. HBD has told him in no uncertain terms that there will never be any kind of intimate contact between them ever again. She has told him this on many occasions since her intent to divorce has been made open. He continually runs the gambit from the light and joking “friends with benefits” to actual threats of “rape” and he even started the actions once hoping to scare her into it. Now we move forward a bit, to the last two weeks when he has been talking to a woman we all know who herself is in a lie of a marriage - forced into what she thinks is an “open marriage” in order to keep her husband (I might touch more on her in a later rant) We will call her Iris the whore, she is a actually a self-professed “swinger” along with her husband and has a personal beef with HBD and myself over some Internet drama on a web site we all frequent, (this would be how I know about Iris' proclivities? At one time she had made moves on me prior to HBD and I becoming a couple, this is just some of the internet drama) Now Iris the whore has taken an interest in HBD's SO and started him down the path of attempting to “force” HBD into an “Open marriage” like her own. HBD has no desire to participate in this with him and has told him he is free to do whatever or whoever he wants she does not care what he does and do not care to know anything about it. He is intent on going out to Iris the whore on his way through her town this week, in fact, the bulk of today was spent with him talking to Iris the whore while HBD was sitting a mere foot away and he the whole time he was alluding to his plans with Iris the whore. When the topic of if or when HBD finds someone to be intimate with, he interjects that she cannot have anyone unless she gives him a piece of herself first and he will continue to “have her until the divorce is final”. WTF this guy is a fucking tool, he then goes on to whine to HBD that he wants her to help him find lovers for him, (OMG is this asshole for real?) Now before I get sounding all holier than thou and like a sanctimonious prick. He really thinks he is going to make it impossible for HBD to leave by his actions as well as by mentally and emotionally beating her into thinking she can't survive without him, then go on the road and fuck anything he wants and come home to have her service him and she is supposed to just accept it? All he seems to want at this point from HBD is a hole to get off in. Again WTF!!!!! When will this jackass get a clue and realize that Don't touch me means just that DON'T TOUCH ME! And that he will never have intimate relations with her again. Separated means they are done. Even if he does want to work things out like he still says he wants to, you don't go OPENLY flaunting your plans to bed a whore in front of the woman you claim to want to fix things with.

I've gotten a bit off topic so now will touch a bit more on the pain, knowing his potential for violence and that his one driving focus is his penis, as well as his mental instability, every moment there is no contact with HBD sends me to dark places, is she OK, mentally, physically, emotionally. Has he beat her self esteem down to the point that she has given up her resolve to end things between them, has she withdrawn from thinking about leaving him, is she contemplating ending us. This thought is almost too much to bear, too much for my soul to take, I have made a vow to her to always protect her and nurture her and be her partner. I feel bad for feeling so weak, for allowing myself to be overtaken by these emotions, I know that HBD is devoted to me, I know she loves me, and I know she wants us. I pray he gets a clue soon and gives up before it gets ugly.

Until then all I can do is continue to be here for HBD and untangle my own situation, to work on getting us together, forever and a day

I love you Babydoll, and can't imagine a life without you, just be strong.

~DT (with edits from HBD)

A brief note from HBD
I have read this blog post more than once and edited it slightly for content. DT speaks for me, my thoughts, my fears, my feelings, my wants, and desires. These are things he is fully aware of, we have no secrets and are completely honest with each other. So, when he said that I have told my SO there will be no intimate contact, he has heard this straight from me, and it is the pure and simple truth.

I love this man Die_Tryin, he is everything that I have ever looked for in a man, things I didn't know I needed to feel complete. We are a perfect fit, made from complementary molds. I will be with him, forever...and a day.

OH, and don't forget to run over to my Tumblr page!!