I keep looking at my current situation, its a train wreck.
I love Die_tryin, with all my heart, but what it is he sees in me I'll never know. I don't really want to know either, those things those mysteries are his to keep. They make me love myself, simply out of respect for his love for me. Is that odd? Does that mean I'm too dependent on him?
Moreover, how did I get to be like this? How is it that I have allowed myself to become so weak that anyone who comes along can see that flaw and beat me into submission (and not the submission I crave). Looking at my FX and my EX I see that they both have beaten and abused me, mentally, emotionally, and yes to a point physically. I have crawled into a shell and retreated from the woman I should be. What about me has made this possible? Was it just a bad choice in men? Or is it a deep-seated flaw in my personality that makes me the eternal victim. I feel weak, broken, and substandard.
How will I move on? Divorce is in my future, not because of DT, but because I need to salvage what little is left of me. DT is a wonderful man, who loves me, and who I love completely. What happens between us is separate from me leaving my FX. But how do I find the strength and security I need to leave the one place I know, the one place where everything is predictable. How do I walk away from that into a world I don't know, one that is full of change and unknown demons? Sometimes the demons you know are worse than the ones you don't.
I'm scared, that I'm not ready..........that I can't do this.
