Long distance goes face to face

How do you make the transition from long distance to living with someone you've met and fallen in love with online? Many of us have done it and failed, just as many have made it a success.

I find myself looking at my relationship with DT and it is fantastic, I love him as much as ever and all you have to do is look in his eyes to know he loves me... probably more than I deserve. We are happy, yes we have moments when we drive each other crazy. Sometimes it's his doing, but honestly, it's just as often mine.

When we started down this road 1600 miles apart we both said that certain things made up the foundation of our relationship, who and what we are together and as individuals. Some were little things, like our nightly tuck-ins. While others were much bigger, like our pledge to always be open and honest. Sure there were a lot of other things, to always communicate, he made promises to always put me first, to always treat me like a lady, to always show me how he felt, flowers, poems, back rubs, cups of coffee...I made promises, to keep my head above water financially, to always work to be a better person, to keep up on the cooking and cleaning. To take care of him, make him lunch, to stop being so negative and to accept that I am worthy.

We are both failing in so many ways. But the one thing that is going to do us the most harm? Well, its two things actually. First, complacency. It seems that we are so comfortable together that we've stopped trying. Stopped wanting to be the best for each other. I've found myself forgetting to do the things he asks of me, like getting his lunch together, he, on the other hand, has dropped so many of those little things that meant so much to me. And I don't point these things out to him. I don't point them out because I don't want to be like his ex. She wanted to be wooed back, I want to be wooed, she missed the poetry, I miss the poetry. I miss the cards, I miss the communication. So I don't say anything. Which leads to the biggest crack in our foundation. I've shut down. I don't talk about my feelings, I don't talk about my needs, I just don't talk. I don't tell him how I feel. I don't tell him what I need, I don't tell him what I want. There are a lot of reasons. Many silly and foolish!

I know it, I see it happening. I don't know how to fix it...and I want to. I want US back, the open honesty, the trust, the BDSM, the M/s, the DD. I need those things to be me. And without me, there can be no us.

I'm tired....I'm sick.....

Yes, you could say I'm sick and tired....literally.

I'm not sleeping well, not only because of this killer sore throat, difficulty breathing, and fits of lung crushing coughing. But on top of all that my head is spinning, full of thoughts and troubles that keep me awake no matter how hard I try to shut them down.

The foundation of my life with DT is open and honest communication. There is nothing we can't say to each other even if it hurts, we know that anything said is said with love, and the desire to be a strong and constantly growing couple. Here's the thing, sometimes you can say something raw, open, honest, lay your heart on the ground.....and still find that nothing changes. But it's still an issue, unresolved, and it hurts. A hurt so bad that it crawls inside you and begins to eat away at the one thing that makes you ....you. The only way to make the hurt go away is to talk about it. To tell him again what hurts, and why it hurts, even when you know that it's not going to change. Which hurts worse?? Talking about it and being hurt by the one you love and trust the most, or holding in and letting it eat away at you?

Right now, I've decided to just let it eat away at me...I'd rather hurt myself than be hurt by him.

Now, if I could only sleep........

Picking up the pieces.

From the beginning, DT and I have said one thing for our relationship. Without open and honest as our foundation there would be no us. The bond we have is, amazingly strong in part because we are so open, there are no secrets and no need for them. Yes sometimes, things are exposed raw and ugly. But we look at them with love and know that there is nothing that we can't love each other through...as long as we have open and honest.

Honesty...something I have struggled hard with in the past. I've been married twice now, and both of them were full of lies and secrets. Now, in my current situation, I try to excuse the lies by saying they are to protect myself. In a sense I guess that is true, my FX is a time bomb just waiting to explode. He has even told me (as recently as Christmas Day) to leave the room because I've made him so mad he only wants to hurt me. And yes, he means physically.

With DT it has been different, he was my friend long before there was anything between us. So, being honest with him, confiding in him...trusting him was easy. He gave me honest feedback and helped me to improve myself as a person. Finding the inner me that was beaten down by two horrid men. But that trust was shattered this week when I found out that he has lied to me...on several occasions about his intent to do something. Something he knew meant everything to me...the next step in bringing us together so to speak.

I've cried and screamed over the last few days, feeling myself fall apart. Wondering what else was a lie, did he ever intend for us to be together, and could I give him the chance to right his wrongs that he pleaded for? As a woman I was hurt...as a sub I was crushed, my submission to him was the biggest gift I could give. How can I trust him with my well being now? How do I know that he will have my best interest at heart? How do I move us forward?

Frankly, I don't know...perhaps it was a mistake but I've given him that chance. Sadly along with it, I fear that I have lost my brat and that my sub has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Only time will tell...


deep inside I long to submit to him, it's my purpose.......but fear and pain are winning.

Struggling...

I'm struggling right now...




As many of you know DT and I have a completely open and honest relationship. There are no secrets, and we are not afraid to tell each other EXACTLY how we feel. Normally this is a very calming and refreshing feeling for me. But tonight, I'm struggling with it.

I'm mad at him. Honestly MAD, this is a first for us. I have never been mad at him, and while I can't speak for him I do not believe he has ever been truly mad at me either. The bad part is that I find myself in a position of having to put open and honest aside in order to keep this added stress off him while he's getting his SO moved out. He did something that made me mad, and it can't be undone now. So, why even let it fester until he's home? Because I can't NOT tell him.

Now to top this off, I have all these major emotions going right now, we hardly talked yesterday because of packing, we hardly spoke today because of loading the truck. Then he had to go to a neighbors house to clean up and sleep because the AC at their house froze up and it's too hot to stay home. This is two nights that I was counting on having him to help me through this. Now I'm going into the worst few days of my life with him to date, and I'm floundering because I wasn't able to have the time I needed to be open and honest with him today. This is NOT a trend that I want to see starting with us.

I will admit that having to repress this open honesty is like telling me to stop breathing, it's crushing me.