Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.

Wed play time

He tied me to the desk...

a big double desk, circa 1950. Facedown, arms over my head legs spread wide, standing on my toes, vulnerable. And I needed it.

Moreover, I wanted it...I couldn't get enough.

When he pulled out the flogger, I felt a tingle start, when he went to the belt I was on fire. He used me, and there was nothing I could do about it. He humiliated me, I ached for more, and I got it. I got it until I couldn't take any more.

Then we stopped to eat. I love to cook for him, it pleases me to know that he loves my cooking. But enough with that, we were back to the desk. Where once more he tied me down, and proceeded to use me again, and again, face down, face up. With his hands, his cock, with the rabbit, with the Hitachi...oh yes, it was amazing.

And I can't wait for it to happen again.

Long Distance Relationships, and 24/7 D/s

I will have to admit now that over the last few days I've been thinking a lot about how my relationship with Die_tryin has changed and grown from friends to playmates, to potential D/s, to long-distance loves.

I've found myself evaluating this relationship and trying to define it in conventional and lifestyle terms. But I've had a hard time doing this and have had to do a lot of soul searching.

This is what I have decided....it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, the only thing that matters is how we define ourselves. And we have decided that we are a long-distance couple. We are D/s 24/7, friends, lovers, confidants, and partners.

What I struggled with the most is the D/s 24/7. This is a concept I had preconceptions about, and they revolved around our lifestyle kink, but in time I've come to see that this is not what our D/s is all about. Our D/s is about him having my best interest in mind at ALL times, his looking out for my well being and giving me direction as needed. In addition, it means that I live my life 24/7 to please him, to show my respect for him, and to always keep in mind what he would wish for me to do to be safe and happy. Simple right? Just not the box I expected us to fit into....instead it's our box. One made just for us, and it fits us perfectly!