The Demons you don't know

I keep looking at my current situation, its a train wreck.

I love Die_tryin, with all my heart, but what it is he sees in me I'll never know. I don't really want to know either, those things those mysteries are his to keep. They make me love myself, simply out of respect for his love for me. Is that odd? Does that mean I'm too dependent on him?

Moreover, how did I get to be like this? How is it that I have allowed myself to become so weak that anyone who comes along can see that flaw and beat me into submission (and not the submission I crave). Looking at my FX and my EX I see that they both have beaten and abused me, mentally, emotionally, and yes to a point physically. I have crawled into a shell and retreated from the woman I should be. What about me has made this possible? Was it just a bad choice in men? Or is it a deep-seated flaw in my personality that makes me the eternal victim. I feel weak, broken, and substandard.

How will I move on? Divorce is in my future, not because of DT, but because I need to salvage what little is left of me. DT is a wonderful man, who loves me, and who I love completely. What happens between us is separate from me leaving my FX. But how do I find the strength and security I need to leave the one place I know, the one place where everything is predictable. How do I walk away from that into a world I don't know, one that is full of change and unknown demons? Sometimes the demons you know are worse than the ones you don't.


I'm scared, that I'm not ready..........that I can't do this.

STOP the planet I wanna get off.

And not in a good way either!

I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. This roller coaster I call life has turned into a nightmare, one I'm afraid will never end, or if it does it will end badly. I don't know how I ever thought it would end well....easy you might say. It won't.

The days are filled with a plethora of changing emotions, thoughts, outbursts...personalities all wrapped up in the body of my FX. I can never tell what personality will come out next. Will it be the kind caring man that wants to make a Poly relationship work? Will it be the vile hateful man that only wants to cut me with his words? Will it be the jealous angry man that is so very unpredictable who only wants to crush me, break me, and? Or, will it be the crying confused man that only wants to play guilt trips and word games to try and destroy me? Who will it be?

So far, all day he has been the kind caring man. But what will I find the next time I answer the phone?

Sir Sunday - Strength

Time again for Sir Sunday,


Tonight I am going to be a little somber today, not too much on the lifestyle or on the sex. (I know I am totally risking my readership) I just wanted to comment on HBD and her incredible strength through the trials of the last couple of days. She is standing on the edge of the end of her marriage to a physically abusive man, and a definitely mentally abusive man. The weekend has gone from good to bad to worse and through it all HBD has held her conviction even in the face of the threat of physical bodily harm. (This gets me hot under the collar, A topic for another day and another venue)
I know this sounds like I have a vested interest in this situation. On some levels I do, and on others, I am totally happy to see her grow and regain her life that has been repressed for so long by a series of men who felt it necessary to keep her feeling worthless to keep her “under their thumb”. I know to some of you it sounds crazy for a “Dom” to say that they are proud of a sub and for a sub to show conviction or self-esteem. Those people are wrong, and don't know what it means to be a sub or Dom for that matter.

Well that is where my interest comes in, I am interested in the long future with HBD, I want her as my partner as well as my sub. I am starting the separation and untangling of my situation here as well and finding my inspiration in the strength of HBD.

Thank you HBD for loving me, and accepting me with all my flaws and faults. Just remember I will always love you, always NEED you and always Desire you. You are worth it lover never forget it and we will be together.

~DT

We interrupt this romance.....

To rip the rug right out from under my feet.

Let's go back, way back. About 6 - 8 months ago I was minding my own business at life. I was married, with kids, and just sleepwalking through life. I met this guy DT, he was married, and things seemed good for them. Things came and went and time went on, and as things happened we started to find that we had a LOT in common, more and more with each passing day.

There were things in the way, a virtual relationship with my virtual sister. A marriage for him, a marriage for me. Kids for us both. And over 1000 miles between us. We played and had fun, saying that if things were different, maybe....maybe.

Then the virtual relationship with my virtual sister fell apart, and we started to come closer and closer to each other. And then the day came that he asked me to be his sub. We designed a ring and we made a commitment to each other. It was then that things really started to grow and build between us. There was a 5-hour chat that brought us to some painful realities. But we grew stronger. And at some point, we realized that we HAD to be together. There was so much talk about when we could extract ourselves from our current situations. And that brings me to today...

His wife found out about me.

Now what? Well, I don't know......and have no idea when I will.

Ranting and rambling....

As we all know, life is complicated for me and DT. Not to belittle his complications, because they are HUGE.  Today I just need to vent, rant and whine about my own complications.

I've said before that I'm married, and the SO well we have a very volatile relationship. When we fight...we fight. Last night was one of those nights. It started with his feelings being hurt because he felt he wasn't getting enough attention. Then turned into a fight about money, cleaning the house, parenting, and let's face it....sex. Nothing is off-limits when we fight, its angry name-calling, screaming, hurtful comments, throwing things, and sometimes its physical violence.

This time was probably the worst its been in years, after what felt like hours of screaming, he'd taken my laptop and locked it in the car, he'd taken my cell phone, and I'd finally just had enough. At 2:30 in the morning I'm walking the streets alone, just wanting to run away, and never look back. But there is a problem. The car is locked with my keys in it, the kids are asleep, and my money is stashed in the house out of his sight.

A short walk brought me back to the house, just to find that all the doors were...locked. I wasn't really surprised though. As I was coming out of the yard I hear a sound from the front of the house. And there he is, crying, he's sorry he didn't mean it, don't leave, etc.

What am I thinking as I accept his apology and go back into the house? I really don't know. Other than, it's just too soon. I need time.