My Realization.....

I have a new collar. It's gorgeous, it was custom made to match the bracelet DT bought me. We had been talking about getting it made for months. It's simple sterling silver choker one end a knot, the other a hook ending in a gold ball. I love it, I can wear it all day every day.

You would think I would be excited to finally have it. But I'm not...when it came in the mail I was actually angry. I really can't explain the anger, I'm no longer angry. Or maybe I am, I can't seem to put a finger on what I feel. Yes, I wear it... but it doesn't carry any meaning. It's just a pretty piece of jewelry.


I realized then that I was slipping away from where I want to be.






We have, hmm had a nightly ritual. The mechanics aren't important, what is important is how it makes me feel. This type of ritual should make me feel closer to my Sir, it should make me feel complete. It ends simply with me Thanking him for the honor of serving him...and he thanks me for the honor of my service. Tell me, what honor is there in not serving him? There is that moment when the words slip out my lips that I feel like a hypocrite. They are just words, they don't have any truth or meaning.

I realize that I am not living the life I wanted....needed.






A few nights ago we were alone, and he commented that he had been looking at something on eBay when he had some quiet and alone time. I was hurt. I commented on it, and he said it was while he was at home not at work. I said that's even worse. He looked at me funny and asked what I was saying then because he didn't understand. I was so hurt at that point it took all I had not to cry. I told him I was upset and now I see where I stand. He was even more confused and explained that I wasn't home. I said, that was the thing...I've been asking him for something for months, and instead of doing that for me, for us, he was looking up something on eBay. It was a breaking point for me, he was upset that he had hurt me, and then I said...Do you realize that I have given up? There was a flash of relief on his face. A millisecond, but I saw it.

That's when I realized that it really was over. I won't ever have a lifestyle that is so deeply a part of me.

Its always in the bedroom....

I know I've mentioned numerous times my desire to have more of the lifestyle in our daily life. That hasn't changed. I still want and need that quite desperately. I do realize I may never have that. And that is something I will continue to work through both with DT and within myself.

But let me tell you about the bedroom....oh yes, in the bedroom lifestyle is very much with us. I am his, and his alone. To be used, and abused as he sees fit. When he wants it, any time he wants it. Like a couple nights ago, I was having a poor me pity party day and went to bed feeling alone. Then he rolled me over and told me. "Make love to me." It wasn't a request, it was a direction. I couldn't have said no if I wanted to. And let me tell you, at that moment...I wanted to. I was tired, I was grumpy, and I just wanted to be left alone.

At that moment I had the decision, I could have said no. I could have fought it, and he probably would have let me. But deep down in my soul, that side of me that drives my submission reached up and took hold. I couldn't say no to him. My body was his. His touch started gently, drawing me out. I tried to fight, I tried to resist the pleasure of his touch. He was having none of it, he continued on, ...

I felt his touch, his fingers, his mouth, his tongue....he played with my breast, twisting and pinching my nipples. The pain was focused and intense, bringing my pussy to instant wetness. He probed my cunt with his hands, his fingers pinching my clit before he gave it a good slap. And again, he brought his hand down upon my tender pussy. It was what I needed, the pleasure of it was too much. I came hard, gushing against his hand. Trying not to scream and wake the children. And then, oh yes then he fucked me. Hard and demanding, drawing out orgasm after orgasm. I didn't exist any longer, all that lay beneath him was a wet hole for him to take his pleasure from. A tight wet cunt for him to fuck, and he did. Several times, each one more intense. After he used me to his liking he let me sleep....and I was satisfied, happy. Knowing that in the bedroom, its always there. I will always be his slave in the bedroom.

Even when I've given up all hope of having this thing outside our sex life. I know that naked under his weight I will submit to his whims, whenever he desires. And I will feel used, and degraded....and cherished.....but only in the bedroom.

One night down...

It really is the little things that keep me going. The last few nights have gone well, everything done on schedule and as planned, we even had time for a little talking before bed. Communication is the air I breathe with Die_tryin. Now, I will admit that it was all made better by the couple nights of fucking incredible sex. That man does know how to take care of me.

On another note, in dealing with the BDA. We had planned to file our taxes jointly because we would get more back. Right? Wrong, I get a hell of a lot more back by filing as Head of household. Woo hoo! So, I had to prep myself for battle with him over this. I didn't tell him that he would probably have to pay this year, nope, I chickened out on that part. I did, however, send him a text that said I would be filing separately. Much to my surprise, he was fine with it. He did ask if I would help with his when he finally gets his W-2. I said yes...I know I know, I should have said no. But I will admit I am still terrified of the man.




So, yes I did file his taxes for him. He sounded genuinely thankful. So, lets all just pray that it doesn't backfire on me.

way too fast...

I moved out to this awful place when I married my EX. My parents came out to visit every summer for a couple weeks. Then my Dad passed away, and my Mom started coming out alone, she would spend her two weeks with us during the day, and sitting in a hotel every night. Then my Grandmother passes away and my mom started looking for a house closer to me. She found a house on her next visit and bought it before she went back to her home.

Several times I talked about leaving my husband and hinted at staying in my mom's house. After all, it was sitting there empty, and she was showing no signs of moving. Finally, she gave in and let me move in. I've been here for 10 months now. Barely scraping by even though I have a full-time job. Kids are expensive.

Then DT moved out here, he had an apartment for 6 months, of which he only spent 2 at his own place. Before moving in with me. Now I will admit I didn't tell my mother anything about DT moving in. Yes, she knows that DT and I are a couple, that I plan on making him a large part of my life. But she does NOT know that he is living with me. Because she wouldn't approve.

Which leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. If she does move out here, what do I do with DT? Unless business really picks up we can't afford to move. And I don't know that I can live with DT in an apartment again.

I'm thinking I'll take the cowards way out, and just start hinting to her that he's living here before she gets moved. Then just lay it out when we get here, that he's here and well if she really wants him out we'll go from there.


What would you do?

Teen angst.....

As many of you know I have a 17-year-old daughter. She's had it rough until DT came into my life and started getting me back on track. But since then she's had life pretty good. She goes to school, comes home, does her chores which consist of doing the dishes, and taking care of her cat, then on to homework, dinner, and bedtime. She's kind of a homebody but I do let her go out with friends and to school events, all she has to do is get chores and homework done...oh and the important part, ASK. She has a school-issued laptop, an mp3 player, a knock off kindle book reader, a cell phone, and her own room. She does not have a job, a car or a driver's license (all at her choosing).

She also has a big problem letting go of the sins of the past. I married an ass, I know this, he was very hard on her, borderline verbally abusive. When we took her to a therapist 6 months ago, she went on and on about the fact that she was acting out because of all the things he does. The therapist says, how long since you've lived with him, and DD says over a year. The therapist says, don't you think its time you moved on and stopped rehashing that as if it were today. They went on to discuss how it happened in the past and while it needs to be worked through its not still happening and she needs to stop placing all the blame there. That things have changed and she should acknowledge the changes (which she refuses to do) I'm still the horrible mother of then, she will not concede that I have changed, that things are better. Its all about then.
Now, I agree she needs to work through these things, they were horrible, and she needs to find a way to process them.

Fast forward to Monday, she gets caught with her cell phone - texting. She has been grounded from the cell phone because she was giving her phone number to people she met online. One, in particular, was in Florida, she claims she's madly in love with him, that they are going to live together when she graduates. So, texting was shut off. Monday, we find her texting ...this time, some guy in Illinois, one in Iowa, and another in New Jersey. Who are they? She claims she doesn't know. How did she meet them? online. What does she know about them, nothing? After an hour of trying to explain to her why that's not safe, how it not only puts her in danger but also her sisters and me. She can only say that she doesn't understand what she did wrong. I pointed out to her two cases in our area of girls in their teens being abducted from their homes, one beaten, and raped. The other beaten, raped, cut into pieces and burned. I asked her if she wanted that for herself, she said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted that for her sisters she said....sometimes. That sometimes she gets mad at them and wishes something bad would happen to them. When confronted about how that is not normal she goes into fits of laughter saying that she's going to scream and pull her hair out if she doesn't laugh.

After several hours she agrees that she will live by the rules of the house, rather than go to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. We told her there is one rule and one rule only.......Do what you are told, no questions asked. We concede that she can ask how to do something or for clarification on what needs to be done. But she is not to question WHY. We also said that once you're done with what you were instructed then you can ask why and we'll explain it. (This no questions asked policy was added because she is constantly saying she doesn't understand why she has to do something, you can explain it in great finite detail, and again she'll claim she does not understand, over and over until its time for bed and nothing has been done). She agreed to this. The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

Then comes Tuesday, said DD doesn't come home from school. I got a phone call from her friend's cell phone and she said that was staying late to talk to a teacher. When I called the school, none of her teachers had seen her since school got out. Eventually, she showed up at the house, where she was told that she would not be allowed in the house until she handed over the laptop. An hour later, and a bit of a tug of war and I have the laptop. She had been warned that if she did not hand it over peacefully that I would also require that she hand over her mp3 player and book reader. Again, she refused and stormed off down the street. After a couple minutes, we went after her, and couldn't find her. Tried calling friends and no one would admit to seeing her. So, we did what a concerned parent would, we called the police. An officer came out and agreed that he felt she was just being a bratty teen and would be home when she got cold or hungry.

About an hour later she called from her friend's cell phone. Asking if I wanted her to come home, I told her I didn't want her to leave in the first place. I asked where she was and told her I would be there to pick her up. She said she would meet me at the gas station. I called the officer we had talked to and asked him to meet me there. A quick drive over and there he was, just as she walked up. He did his part as the "bad" cop to try and get through to her. I tell you I honestly thought she was going to spit in his face. It was really a waste of his time. It meant nothing to her. We left and got into the car, I told her this did not change things, that she still had to turn over her mp3 player and book reader if she wanted to come home. She refused, so I started off to the hospital to have her admitted for a mental health evaluation. 15 miles down the road she's trying to bargain with me. She'll give me them if we go home, I said no, you give them to me and I'll turn around. She'll give it to me if I turn around, I said no you'll give it to me and then I'll turn around. Finally, she gave it to me. And within 5 minutes she is laughing so hard at a tree she saw on the side of the road that you can't hear the radio.

She was told that today she would be picked up at school, and turn over her laptop to DT or me, and then we would go home, she would do chores and then she could do her homework. When that was done she would give her laptop back to us until morning. If she does this and does not have a major meltdown, screaming fit, or back talking smart mouth attitude then she'll get her mp3 player back.

DT went to the school to pick her up, he was going to try and talk to her, he seems to have a way with her that I don't. 10 minutes after school got out, still no sign of her. So he went into the school and had them page her, within minutes she showed up. I don't know what is happening, I know they are together.

I'm just at my wit's end with her, she doesn't care that she hurts me or her sisters. She doesn't care that she puts all of us at risk. She doesn't care about anything but the people she has been talking to online.


I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry.......and I just wish I had some idea what to do to help the situation.

How to find myself

Recently I have read several submissive bloggers who are struggling with their service and submission outside the bedroom. These blogs drew my attention because frankly, I find myself struggling with this myself. I am a submissive woman, I am a slave at heart. But I am also a mother at home, a manager at work, and a small business owner to boot.

How can I be all these people, the leader, the mentor, the boss...and still be his owned property? What things can I do to continue to serve him, and not feel that I am putting aside who I really am? How do you balance strength and submission?

I've struggled so deeply with this, that I've come to question my own submission. And that kind of internal battle is one I don't bode well it. It's chaotic, and distracting from the rest of my days. Perhaps its because I feel that I'm going it alone. DT doesn't have the same conflicts. No one at work knows who or what I am outside of work. My friends don't know about my lifestyle choices, so here I sit and I search the internet. What do I come up with? The same thoughts, people saying they can't be submissive outside the bedroom because of life. That can't be the answer, there has to be a way.

For now, I just continue to move forward in the bedroom. Waiting patiently for Wed when we have the day alone and we are able to be Master and slave. I know this isn't the end all be all, I know there is a way to balance submission with day to day life. And I am determined to find it.