You would think I would be excited to finally have it. But I'm not...when it came in the mail I was actually angry. I really can't explain the anger, I'm no longer angry. Or maybe I am, I can't seem to put a finger on what I feel. Yes, I wear it... but it doesn't carry any meaning. It's just a pretty piece of jewelry.
I realized then that I was slipping away from where I want to be.
We have, hmm had a nightly ritual. The mechanics aren't important, what is important is how it makes me feel. This type of ritual should make me feel closer to my Sir, it should make me feel complete. It ends simply with me Thanking him for the honor of serving him...and he thanks me for the honor of my service. Tell me, what honor is there in not serving him? There is that moment when the words slip out my lips that I feel like a hypocrite. They are just words, they don't have any truth or meaning.
I realize that I am not living the life I wanted....needed.
A few nights ago we were alone, and he commented that he had been looking at something on eBay when he had some quiet and alone time. I was hurt. I commented on it, and he said it was while he was at home not at work. I said that's even worse. He looked at me funny and asked what I was saying then because he didn't understand. I was so hurt at that point it took all I had not to cry. I told him I was upset and now I see where I stand. He was even more confused and explained that I wasn't home. I said, that was the thing...I've been asking him for something for months, and instead of doing that for me, for us, he was looking up something on eBay. It was a breaking point for me, he was upset that he had hurt me, and then I said...Do you realize that I have given up? There was a flash of relief on his face. A millisecond, but I saw it.
That's when I realized that it really was over. I won't ever have a lifestyle that is so deeply a part of me.
1st pic: stunning
ReplyDelete2nd pic: love the cracks
hi, glad i found your blog again, i love it (it's me, eternal :))