It's who I am...

"And I can't change, Even if I tried, Even if I wanted to" - 

SAME LOVE -  Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis ft Mary Lambert

I keep hearing those words, over and over, running through my thoughts.  No, I'm not gay, or bi either for that matter.  But that doesn't change the fact that I can relate to the sentiment.  I am who I am, and I can't change that.  I've tried, I've wanted to, but I just can't do it.  Looking at it honestly, I don't want to change.  I want to be ME. 

So, what happens when what you want and need, are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of your partner?  I can't ask him to change.   For the same reasons that I can't change.   It's just not who he is, and I would never want him to be anything else.

But I find myself being resentful of the situation.  Would I have done things differently if I'd know before that I'd never be able to have that part of my life that I crave?  No, I would still be here where I am. I love him, I have never felt this way about anyone before.  He makes me laugh, he loves me, he shows me beauty in the world in the strangest places, makes me a better person, and I enjoy his company.  Did I mention the sex is amazing?  LOL, yes that is important!!

I feel like I'm whining, complaining, being childish...when all I want is to work through this in my head.  To understand me, my situation, my relationship. 

I'm angry, and I don't get angry..........................

Scattered

Stress, a concept that each and every one of us faces daily.  It comes at us from every direction, work, family, bills, children, friends, politics, even the weather.

Of course, some people experience more stress than others. Me, well I’m the Queen of stress. I create it, thrive on it, live for it! At least that’s how it seems some days. I won’t deny I create my own stress purely because I take on so much and have to give 150% to everything I do.

 Stress has been a part of human life since the beginning of time, early man lived a daily struggle of looking for food, staying safe, and looking for shelter. They didn’t just drive across town and pick up a roast to feed their family, no, they were hunters and gatherers. As we’ve adapted as a species we’ve learned to adapt to stress and control it rather than letting it control us.

 I’ve always believed that small amounts of stress are actually good for us. It’s not the stress itself that’s so bad for us, it’s the way we let it affect our lives. By looking the root cause straight in the face and making an honest effort to work through the cause it stimulates our minds and keeps us active. 

It’s when we allow it to consume us completely that we are putting ourselves in danger.

 For as many causes of stress, there are just as many ways to cope with stress. Some are good, some bad, all a matter of choice.

 Some people turn to drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, the negative answers for coping. Others turn to physical release, jogging, weight lifting, or yoga: all examples for positive coping mechanisms. Looking at how you cope with stress, so often, finds it’s basis in the effects that stress has on your being.

 When I look at how I am affected by stress, I see a mess, I’m scattered and broken. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on what needs to be done. So, I fall behind and that heaps more and more stress on top of what I’m already experiencing. It’s nothing less than a vicious cycle I can’t escape from. But there are things that help.

 Tie me up, put me in my place, use me, leave marks on my flesh that stay with me for days. Those things are the things that ease my mind, soothe my soul, and truly free me from the stress of everyday life. Now, this is not something that I can just allow anyone to participate in. No, I need someone that I can put my complete trust in, someone that I know will never harm me to the soul, that man who will protect me from everything and yet still has the strength to give me what I need. But I don’t have this, and I’m starting to fall apart and don’t know how to fix it….

What went wrong

I ask myself every day...what did I do to make him stop wanting me?
I should clarify that statement.  I know he wants me in his life, in his bed, and I know without a doubt that he loves me. But those things, I need to complete me, to be who I really am....he doesn't want them anymore.  Frankly,  I don't think he ever did.
So, now the question is......how do I move on and accept the fact that we are not and never will be what I need?  And when will it stop hurting?