Finding myself...

Its been a long road for me. Getting out of a bad marriage, setting myself up in a home with my kids, finding a job that would help me support the kids. Not to mention exploring my submission and growing in my D/s life with Die_tryin.

It started with a job. That was the biggest mistake my EX ever made. He demanded that I get a job, that I start contributing to the running of the household. His plan, to get more money coming into the household bills and expenses so that HE had more money to do the things he wanted to do. Things he wanted to put in his truck so that life on the road was more fun...a bigger laptop, a bigger TV, a better XM radio. Light covers for the marker lights on his truck, chrome trim, and personalized mud flaps. You know, all the things that make life easier. Who cared that the roof leaked on the house, that the carpet was threadbare, the kitchen floor was coming up, the front entryway had no carpet no tile, nothing just the plywood sub-floor. The furnace didn't work and we only had a space heater to keep warm. Did I mention we lived out of a dorm size fridge, 21 miles from town, AND a stove that could only be lit by a lighter because all the electric ignitors had gone out? Oh, and of course there was the hole in the foundation big enough for a cat to come in and out of the basement.

So, I got a job, and I started buying groceries, you know those things that we HAD to have to survive. At that point, he said that he wouldn't buy food for us anymore. It was all on me. I was working part-time, retail, minimum wage, 51 miles from home. I was lucky the weeks I DID have enough to buy food and gas for work. There was no way for me to save up money to fix the things the house needed. Thus no money for me to save, to get me and the kids out of that hell hole we called a house.

You see, up until that point I had given up. On life, on love, on living...I stopped cleaning, I stopped everything. I could show you pictures that would horrify you, you'd ask how anyone could live like that, how anyone could let themselves fall into such a low place in their life. I look at it now and I'm horrified myself. I didn't care anymore. I was told I was worthless, I didn't do anything right, I didn't deserve the slightest positive. Not even a nice start, keep up the good work. I'm ashamed of the life I gave my children, the way I let them down. I could say that it was his fault that my EX beat me down so horribly that it was his fault that I gave up. But that is making myself the victim, and I hate that feeling. So, I say that I made the choice to react that way. I made the call, I did it, and I'm the only one that can fix it.

But how when you've been convinced for years that you can't do anything right...ever.

Well, for me. I got that job. And I busted my ass at it for 10 months. I got a lot of praise at work from the manager of my department and the store as a whole. I got my confidence back, I got the belief that I was worth something and I ran with it. I knew that job was a go-nowhere bare bones get my feet in the door position. I also knew that the company had nothing to offer me past 17 hours a week minimum wage. But, I worked with great people, I worked hard, and I had a bond with my boss that drove me to do better than her, in return spurring her on to do better. We were an awesome team. I miss her.

I started looking for something with more potential, something that would help me support my kids comfortably. There was one business I wanted into, but the turn over rate there is minimal. They lose one employee ever 2 - 3 years as a whole. Sure they have some seasonal people that work for them, but they tend to come back year after year. Then one day I walked in and saw they were hiring. Long story short I started working for them in late June. I was truly at the bottom, bagging groceries and carrying them out. But it was a job, and it was more hours. Sure it was minimum wage, but the potential to move up is well... let's just say the sky is my limit. The hours were good, resort-type traffic is heavy during the summer so I was always there 40 plus hours. And again, I worked with a great group of people...a group that made me feel welcome, and in no time flat, they began encouraging me to spread my wings.

Which I did, I have always believed that having a diverse and varied set of abilities makes you that much more likely to get hours in this type of field. So, I volunteered to do it all, stocking, checking, frozen, bread, dairy. You name it I would do it. And I was good at it, I heard it often, how quickly I picked up on things, how hard I worked. It fueled me on....and here I am, just three months into this job, and I've been promoted to the department manager. It's more than I ever could have hoped for. Its more money, full time, and yes... it's rewarding. Not only on a personal level but a professional one.

I am important, to my children, to the man I love, to the place I work....and most of all to myself.

He worries....about me

When I was a little girl I knew exactly what kind of man I was going to marry. He was kind and loving, gentle, but in control, he cherished me, worried about me, a little jealous and possessive and because of this I wanted nothing more than to serve him and make him happy. Now, I look back and see the lifestyle hints back then but never realized just where that came from.



What I've found myself married to. TWICE, are men who are controlling, demeaning, hateful, spiteful, lazy, and abusive. So, with them both I shut down, there was no happiness in my life. I went on day by day, I gave up. To the point of letting myself and my home go to waste. I retreated into the worthless heap of nothingness that they made me believe I was. This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not something I came here with the intent of talking about but in reading posts from several wonderful bloggers like Britni I've been forced to look at my life, where I have been and where I am now, and with that came the harsh realization that my current husband is a classic abuser. As was my Ex. Not something you want to have to admit to yourself.





But that's not why I'm here today. That's something I am still working with and dealing with, one day I'll be back to discuss that in more detail. Today I'm here to relish another man in my life. The Man I dreamt of as a child. He's not perfect, no far from it honestly. But he loves me, completely. His kinks match mine. We see our lifestyle in a similar light and only want to watch it grow and shape itself into something just for us. He worries about me if he doesn't hear from me and he should have if he knows my FX is home or close to it. He has said several times that he loves me so much that he cannot imagine our life together being so short-lived. So, he keeps me cautious and warns me of potential dangers, he reminds me to stay safe and securely grounded when the FX is home. He has a green streak, that is cute it reminds me that I am his and only his and that he cares enough about me to give me that little bit of jealousy to make me feel good. He is possessive of me...but not in the abusive controlling way. He claims me as his, he loves me like no other and makes me feel wanted and desired. This man has given me all that I could ask for...right along with his imperfections. He's a geek, he's a kid at heart, he worries and stresses, not to mention married to someone else...sigh.

The funny thing is that he tells me he worries, that he doesn't want anything to happen to me. And I don't know what to say. No one has ever felt that way before about me, or if they have they never felt I needed to hear it. So, what do I do, I get embarrassed, I blush, I tell him not to worry. I tell him to stop doing all those things that I've been looking for, all the things I've always wanted....the things that make him...HIM. What am I thinking????





Thank you, lover, for letting me concede gracefully.

I love you Sir

I'm broken...

Its become abundantly clear the last few months that I am broken. Not physically, but mentally, and emotionally.

I was the only child of an overprotective mother. She had 4 miscarriages before I finally came along. A year later she came home to find my father dressed in her clothes...6 months later they were divorced. I didn't find out until I was 18 that he was no longer a man, but a woman. Yes, post-op. I do not fault him for this. I do get a bit confused about what to call him, er her, "My Dad" doesn't seem right. I do not have any contact with her, not because of her gender reassignment. But because of the blame she placed on me for her decision.  At 18 I received a letter from her telling me that the PTSD from Nam, added to the stress of being an unprepared father led to the choice to leave the past behind and become the woman she was supposed to be.

Back to my life as a child, for the first 5 years of my life, my aunt and uncle were my daycare providers, they became a second family for me. Along with their two boys. I loved my uncle, he was an incredible man, kind and loving until the day he passed. A great example of what a father and husband should be. To me growing up he was the knight in shining armor that every woman should strive to find. He worked hard to support his family, my Aunt was a stay at home mom and housewife. They would do anything for each other. With such amazing role models, why did I go down the road I did?

I'd like to blame someone but I can't. It's all on me.

So, my mother remarried when I was 6, and divorced when I was 8. A horrible man, verbally and emotionally abusive. Controlling, and honestly, he scared me. I created a hideout in my closet so that I didn't have to deal with him. It was the longest 2 years of my life. I was physically assaulted by two of his three children, and sexually molested by his third, I buried it away inside me and prayed it would end. And it did, but not before the damage was done.

At 10 my mother remarried, a great man. He was kind and caring, her white knight. At 12 he adopted me. I wanted so badly to be a daddies girl, I vividly remember dreaming about it. but it wasn't to be. I didn't realize what a great man he was until he was gone. How long ago was that? 2 years. My dad died and I blame myself. It was my electric fence, it was me fighting with him, it was me chasing my parents away from my home.

What did my dad do wrong? He loved me, he tried to make me a better person, but he took things from me that I resented him for. Like my time with my mother. I fought him long and hard. Over everything, from the color of the sky to who should be President.  My young teenage mind knew everything, and I wasn't afraid to tell him how little he knew.

In high school, I dated an amazing guy. I broke up with him because I didn't want to be in a military relationship. That was it, nothing went bad between us, he treated me like a queen. Some days I miss him. But I found my first Ex husband. A man that was abusive in so many ways. Every way. I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Afraid I couldn't do it on my own. I was beaten down, I was belittled, when he left me all I could think was I was the reason I was the problem. What had I done? What could I do differently?  I cried myself into oblivion and then realized that I had to pull myself together for our - no, my children.  I called my in-laws the night he left, begging them to buy me a gallon of milk for my kids.  They refused.  I have not seen my ex, or his parents since, they have not asked to see my kids, they have not returned phone calls or responded to letters sent to them. In fact, the one time we saw them at the store, the turned and walked away like they didn't recognize us. I will forever be grateful that my kids were too young to understand.

Then I met my second husband. He was tall and good looking, he wanted me, he said he loved me. And he accepted my demons. Too bad he would turn out to be just as bad if not worse than my first. This is where I am now. In a relationship that has beaten me down to feeling worthless, stupid, ugly, and flat out a failure. I second guess everything I do, I doubt my decisions even after I've followed through with them. Honestly....I'm afraid of myself.

Yet through this all...one person has come to see me. The real me. And well, I'll let you all know how that goes.



For more information on verbal abuse check out this great site... THIRTY-FOUR EXAMPLES OF VERBAL ABUSE BEHAVIOR