I'm broken...

Its become abundantly clear the last few months that I am broken. Not physically, but mentally, and emotionally.

I was the only child of an overprotective mother. She had 4 miscarriages before I finally came along. A year later she came home to find my father dressed in her clothes...6 months later they were divorced. I didn't find out until I was 18 that he was no longer a man, but a woman. Yes, post-op. I do not fault him for this. I do get a bit confused about what to call him, er her, "My Dad" doesn't seem right. I do not have any contact with her, not because of her gender reassignment. But because of the blame she placed on me for her decision.  At 18 I received a letter from her telling me that the PTSD from Nam, added to the stress of being an unprepared father led to the choice to leave the past behind and become the woman she was supposed to be.

Back to my life as a child, for the first 5 years of my life, my aunt and uncle were my daycare providers, they became a second family for me. Along with their two boys. I loved my uncle, he was an incredible man, kind and loving until the day he passed. A great example of what a father and husband should be. To me growing up he was the knight in shining armor that every woman should strive to find. He worked hard to support his family, my Aunt was a stay at home mom and housewife. They would do anything for each other. With such amazing role models, why did I go down the road I did?

I'd like to blame someone but I can't. It's all on me.

So, my mother remarried when I was 6, and divorced when I was 8. A horrible man, verbally and emotionally abusive. Controlling, and honestly, he scared me. I created a hideout in my closet so that I didn't have to deal with him. It was the longest 2 years of my life. I was physically assaulted by two of his three children, and sexually molested by his third, I buried it away inside me and prayed it would end. And it did, but not before the damage was done.

At 10 my mother remarried, a great man. He was kind and caring, her white knight. At 12 he adopted me. I wanted so badly to be a daddies girl, I vividly remember dreaming about it. but it wasn't to be. I didn't realize what a great man he was until he was gone. How long ago was that? 2 years. My dad died and I blame myself. It was my electric fence, it was me fighting with him, it was me chasing my parents away from my home.

What did my dad do wrong? He loved me, he tried to make me a better person, but he took things from me that I resented him for. Like my time with my mother. I fought him long and hard. Over everything, from the color of the sky to who should be President.  My young teenage mind knew everything, and I wasn't afraid to tell him how little he knew.

In high school, I dated an amazing guy. I broke up with him because I didn't want to be in a military relationship. That was it, nothing went bad between us, he treated me like a queen. Some days I miss him. But I found my first Ex husband. A man that was abusive in so many ways. Every way. I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Afraid I couldn't do it on my own. I was beaten down, I was belittled, when he left me all I could think was I was the reason I was the problem. What had I done? What could I do differently?  I cried myself into oblivion and then realized that I had to pull myself together for our - no, my children.  I called my in-laws the night he left, begging them to buy me a gallon of milk for my kids.  They refused.  I have not seen my ex, or his parents since, they have not asked to see my kids, they have not returned phone calls or responded to letters sent to them. In fact, the one time we saw them at the store, the turned and walked away like they didn't recognize us. I will forever be grateful that my kids were too young to understand.

Then I met my second husband. He was tall and good looking, he wanted me, he said he loved me. And he accepted my demons. Too bad he would turn out to be just as bad if not worse than my first. This is where I am now. In a relationship that has beaten me down to feeling worthless, stupid, ugly, and flat out a failure. I second guess everything I do, I doubt my decisions even after I've followed through with them. Honestly....I'm afraid of myself.

Yet through this all...one person has come to see me. The real me. And well, I'll let you all know how that goes.



For more information on verbal abuse check out this great site... THIRTY-FOUR EXAMPLES OF VERBAL ABUSE BEHAVIOR