HNT already?

For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my HNT contribution.   For those of you not familiar with the concept wander over and visit OS in the Back Row.
As many of you know Die_Tryin has always been a bit of a leg man and has a special appreciation for my legs.  So, with that in mind......





Now, let me tell you all a little secret, .....
I love my legs, they are one of my best features I think. Not only do they look good, but they are extremely sensitive.  A gentle touch on my thigh will send my mind spinning.  A brush against the back of my knee will give me goosebumps....and then there is that light caress the length of my leg, that will bring me to my knees begging for more.  So, you see, its a very good thing for me to be in love with a leg man.

One night down...

It really is the little things that keep me going. The last few nights have gone well, everything done on schedule and as planned, we even had time for a little talking before bed. Communication is the air I breathe with Die_tryin. Now, I will admit that it was all made better by the couple nights of fucking incredible sex. That man does know how to take care of me.

On another note, in dealing with the BDA. We had planned to file our taxes jointly because we would get more back. Right? Wrong, I get a hell of a lot more back by filing as Head of household. Woo hoo! So, I had to prep myself for battle with him over this. I didn't tell him that he would probably have to pay this year, nope, I chickened out on that part. I did, however, send him a text that said I would be filing separately. Much to my surprise, he was fine with it. He did ask if I would help with his when he finally gets his W-2. I said yes...I know I know, I should have said no. But I will admit I am still terrified of the man.




So, yes I did file his taxes for him. He sounded genuinely thankful. So, lets all just pray that it doesn't backfire on me.

Baby steps...

Right? That's what it's all about. Baby steps. You have to crawl, before you can walk, walk before you can run, run before you can fly.

We've taken a tiny shuffle in the right direction. Die_tryin and I discussed things he wanted us to start implementing, unfortunately, we were on the phone and I was in the bathroom. I asked him if he had these things written down, I knew I wouldn't remember this all. He didn't but he assured me that he would do just that for me. As of yet he has not, and like so often happens...his multi-track mind has gotten him off on to other topics.

They are steps in the direction we want to go, but not the ones he had addressed with me that morning. We've started a nightly dinner schedule, planning meals a week at a time. This is fantastic I can plan ahead, buy the things I need in advance, and it helps take some stress out of my daily life.

We've also started a nightly routine. Last night was our first attempt, it failed. So we'll brush off and start again tonight. The girls are to have chores done by 5, homework by 6. Dinner is at 6:30, showers at 7:30, and bed by 8 for the little ones, 8:15 for the big one, and 8:30 for us. Early I know but when you get up at 3:15 every morning it's just gotta happen that way.

So far, we are on a roll. Dinner is cooking, one of the girls has chores and homework done, the other is working on it. The third, well she has chores done and I think she's working on her homework. We'll see how it goes with her.

I had two tasks to complete, I needed to do my grooming which is done, and I needed to take a book back to the library. I didn't get that done. I have no good reason really. I should have run out and did it I waited because I knew I had to pick him up at 2. That didn't work out, an officer brought 3 people in for bookings, and it sounds like possibly 3 more. So, I have no idea when he'll be ready for me to pick him up.

I have hope,....but I'm afraid to hope.

oh no not again.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

I'm getting so disheartened with the whole life. Maybe I'm expecting too much, I am impatient after all. I do know that this is a slow process. We have an ever-changing road ahead of us.

How long can you say We are new to this life, before its just an excuse. That's not to say that we haven't done anything we do have a few things in place. He drives, fills my gas tank, gets my doors, starts my car in the morning, pulls out my chair, orders my dinner, meets me at the door when I get home. These are things that remind me that I am cherished and cared for. They are the little things he does to remind me that he is the Man, and I am his Lady. But the consistency is missing. For example, it's getting more frequent that he doesn't start my car in the morning. I know that he's working now and that he is understandably tired when I get up at 3:30. Where I get frustrated with it is, that he told me once that he would always get up with me and start my car. Even if he went right back to bed after I left. His reason was the way his first wife was with him. She used to get up with him and go back to bed after he left, then she would wake up enough to kiss him goodbye and then roll over and go back to sleep, and in the end, it got to the point he was just trying to make sure he didn't wake her when he left. He said he never wanted that for us....and yet, I'm starting to see it slip that direction. Maybe I'm being hormonal, maybe I'm being oversensitive. I don't know. I just wish he hadn't set me up to expect these things.

We have a nighttime ritual, but I will be the first to say that I am not always consistent with it. Some nights, I am just so tired that I fall asleep before it's done. And he lets it slide. I don't know what I want, but I know that when those nights happen I feel like something is missing all night, and the next day. Do I want a correction the next day? Do I want him to wake me up and make me follow through up on our ritual? Do I want him to take things in hand, look out for my well being and be sure that we get to bed before I am that tired? I really don't know what I want, I think I know what I need. But every time I think it, I feel like I'm taking control.

I'm working very hard to keep up with an evening protocol of getting him a drink, taking off his shoes, and putting on his slippers. But that is something I initiated, so it doesn't have as much impact for me. I know he appreciates it, I can see it in his face, I hear it in his voice which is all the reward I need. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to suggest it.


We get into this pattern, I complain that we are at a stalemate, he apologizes and says he realizes he's let us both down and will work on it. We have a day or two of him showing he's capable. That he can do it, that he will do it. Then we end up right back where we started. I'm hanging looking for direction, looking for consistency, looking for a correction. Then I start to act out, and I shut down and damage us. The last time I even told him I was afraid to hope that this time he would work on things with us. That I was afraid that the same thing would happen again. Because I knew that if it slipped down this slope again I would be hurt, angry, and my hope would be forever damaged. I KNEW this....and I put myself out on the line again.

Every time I go through this I want to just give up to throw in the towel, and let the lifestyle go. Then I come here and I vent and feel like I'm whining.