Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.

oh no not again.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

I'm getting so disheartened with the whole life. Maybe I'm expecting too much, I am impatient after all. I do know that this is a slow process. We have an ever-changing road ahead of us.

How long can you say We are new to this life, before its just an excuse. That's not to say that we haven't done anything we do have a few things in place. He drives, fills my gas tank, gets my doors, starts my car in the morning, pulls out my chair, orders my dinner, meets me at the door when I get home. These are things that remind me that I am cherished and cared for. They are the little things he does to remind me that he is the Man, and I am his Lady. But the consistency is missing. For example, it's getting more frequent that he doesn't start my car in the morning. I know that he's working now and that he is understandably tired when I get up at 3:30. Where I get frustrated with it is, that he told me once that he would always get up with me and start my car. Even if he went right back to bed after I left. His reason was the way his first wife was with him. She used to get up with him and go back to bed after he left, then she would wake up enough to kiss him goodbye and then roll over and go back to sleep, and in the end, it got to the point he was just trying to make sure he didn't wake her when he left. He said he never wanted that for us....and yet, I'm starting to see it slip that direction. Maybe I'm being hormonal, maybe I'm being oversensitive. I don't know. I just wish he hadn't set me up to expect these things.

We have a nighttime ritual, but I will be the first to say that I am not always consistent with it. Some nights, I am just so tired that I fall asleep before it's done. And he lets it slide. I don't know what I want, but I know that when those nights happen I feel like something is missing all night, and the next day. Do I want a correction the next day? Do I want him to wake me up and make me follow through up on our ritual? Do I want him to take things in hand, look out for my well being and be sure that we get to bed before I am that tired? I really don't know what I want, I think I know what I need. But every time I think it, I feel like I'm taking control.

I'm working very hard to keep up with an evening protocol of getting him a drink, taking off his shoes, and putting on his slippers. But that is something I initiated, so it doesn't have as much impact for me. I know he appreciates it, I can see it in his face, I hear it in his voice which is all the reward I need. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to suggest it.


We get into this pattern, I complain that we are at a stalemate, he apologizes and says he realizes he's let us both down and will work on it. We have a day or two of him showing he's capable. That he can do it, that he will do it. Then we end up right back where we started. I'm hanging looking for direction, looking for consistency, looking for a correction. Then I start to act out, and I shut down and damage us. The last time I even told him I was afraid to hope that this time he would work on things with us. That I was afraid that the same thing would happen again. Because I knew that if it slipped down this slope again I would be hurt, angry, and my hope would be forever damaged. I KNEW this....and I put myself out on the line again.

Every time I go through this I want to just give up to throw in the towel, and let the lifestyle go. Then I come here and I vent and feel like I'm whining.

Struggling...

I'm struggling right now...




As many of you know DT and I have a completely open and honest relationship. There are no secrets, and we are not afraid to tell each other EXACTLY how we feel. Normally this is a very calming and refreshing feeling for me. But tonight, I'm struggling with it.

I'm mad at him. Honestly MAD, this is a first for us. I have never been mad at him, and while I can't speak for him I do not believe he has ever been truly mad at me either. The bad part is that I find myself in a position of having to put open and honest aside in order to keep this added stress off him while he's getting his SO moved out. He did something that made me mad, and it can't be undone now. So, why even let it fester until he's home? Because I can't NOT tell him.

Now to top this off, I have all these major emotions going right now, we hardly talked yesterday because of packing, we hardly spoke today because of loading the truck. Then he had to go to a neighbors house to clean up and sleep because the AC at their house froze up and it's too hot to stay home. This is two nights that I was counting on having him to help me through this. Now I'm going into the worst few days of my life with him to date, and I'm floundering because I wasn't able to have the time I needed to be open and honest with him today. This is NOT a trend that I want to see starting with us.

I will admit that having to repress this open honesty is like telling me to stop breathing, it's crushing me.