Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.