Frustrated and floundering....

So, I had this title all picked out, and topic to go with it when Die_tryin left yesterday. Then I had a very rough night and a worse morning. So, the topic I had in mind has slipped away for now. However, the title still fits ......


DT and I do not do well when we are apart. Which is really kind of funny, when you consider the first year of our relationship was long distance. After his EX moved back to her parents our communication time became pretty much unrestricted. Sure we both had to sleep, and when I was at work we were restricted some. But even then if and when I needed him I could always call or text and he would be right there for me. The one exception to that time was just about the undoing of the two of us. That was when he went to his Ex's parents' house for Christmas and his daughter's birthday. It was a rough time, and at one point I was honestly ready to just walk away from him and what we have. I was hurt and I didn't see anything beyond that hurt.

Here we are, almost a year later, and again we are apart. AND our communication is being restricted again. I had a long day yesterday, I was up early, got the kids off to school, ran some errands with DT to get ready for his trip, was fucked quite thoroughly, had a quick shower with DT and then drove 3.5 hours to the airport. We got there, just as his flight was scheduled to take off. Yeah, bad planning on our part (ok, ok, ok we got lost) I blame myself for us being late. It was my job to make sure we knew where we were going, and ensuring we left in plenty of time to get there. I failed, I let him down, and I began to question myself as a sub. But by some miracle, his flight was delayed 3 hours, oh yes it was. Which made me feel so much better. They did, however, have to get him onto a different connecting flight as he would be 2 hours late for that. Not our fault so the airline took care of him. WHEW. That still didn't help my upset over being late to start with. The return trip was a bit longer as I stopped and did a little pet shopping. I got home at 7:30, he landed 30 minutes later. We talked as long as we could before he had to board his next flight. I made him promise to call and wake me up when he got to Sacramento. I'm happy to say he did, as well as calling me when he got to his 1st EX wife's house safe and sound.

That made for a very long day. I'm exhausted, after yesterday, and then, of course, the lack of good sleep without DT in bed with me last night made for one tired Babydoll. A tired, insecure sub, who can't talk to her Dom is a very bad combination. In that state, I am a hypersensitive mess. I got the text message at work that he was clear for a phone call, so I called...no answer voicemail. He called right back, a quick talk because I was on break and had to get back to work. I told him I loved him, and he said...under his breath....me too. It ripped my heart out. Sure his daughter was right there, so what my kids know and love him. He has been just about living with us for the last several months. Everyone in my life knows about him, and our relationship. For months he's been saying he told them, so why the hush hush...why not tell me he loves me? I sent him a text, all it said was "That hurt". Its all I could say without crying. And trust me as a department manager the last thing you want to do at work is cry.

An hour later I got a message that said he had told the kids all about us and that they were happy for him. It didn't help, I was still hurt. Hell, its been 10 hours and I'm still hurt. I've talked to him twice now. In fact, I've talked to both his kids as well....they ASKED to talk to me. Brief conversations, very superficial, but we all laughed and it was a step in the right direction. Sadly, that hasn't helped me.

Now, I'm sitting here, getting ready for bed and all I can do is fight back the tears. Why? He promised me a tuck in phone call, and now he's not available. This just sucks....he promised. This means a lot to me, and I can't help but feel let down.

Here we've come full circle, I let him down, now I've been let down. It was not intentional, it just happened this way. That doesn't change it. I've been spoiled, and now I'm pouting.

I just miss him......

oh my.....wed play day

We bought these, ok not exactly but something like them, at the farm and ranch store while out running around over the weekend.




And of course, we had ordered one of these. Which just happened to arrive as we were getting ready to play.



Add one of these, because well, let's face it I'm a massive squirter.





Last but not least he pulled out this.






What more could a girl want? To be stripped naked, hands tied up and flogged, violated with a wand, and fucked into oblivion.

It started out with me stripping down and laying out on the bed, my skin itching to be abused. Now, I'll admit I was a bit hesitant about this flogger. We have another one, cheaply made with stiff scratchy falls. I don't like it. And because of that I know he doesn't like it.

He taunted me with the flogger, building up the speed and intensity. Followed intermittently with wand breaks, bringing me just to the edge and then pulling back. Returning to the flogger, and a few firmly placed swats on the ass with his hand. ohhh, yes I was in sub heaven.

Then, when I had had enough he fucked me....held me down and had his way with me. Repeatedly....but it was when he rolled me over, face down taking me from behind that I let go and drifted off into sub-space. I remember vaguely the impact of the flogger, the slap of his hand, and the wand being pressed between my legs until my body just would not stay still any longer, my legs clamped hard against the vibrating head, and I came endlessly, still flying he rolled me back over and rammed his cock into me. Over and over again, keeping me on the verge of the most intense orgasm. Until he blew his load inside me.

As I came back to reality I was struck once again by how much I need this....him. This life, this thing we do.....

How to find myself

Recently I have read several submissive bloggers who are struggling with their service and submission outside the bedroom. These blogs drew my attention because frankly, I find myself struggling with this myself. I am a submissive woman, I am a slave at heart. But I am also a mother at home, a manager at work, and a small business owner to boot.

How can I be all these people, the leader, the mentor, the boss...and still be his owned property? What things can I do to continue to serve him, and not feel that I am putting aside who I really am? How do you balance strength and submission?

I've struggled so deeply with this, that I've come to question my own submission. And that kind of internal battle is one I don't bode well it. It's chaotic, and distracting from the rest of my days. Perhaps its because I feel that I'm going it alone. DT doesn't have the same conflicts. No one at work knows who or what I am outside of work. My friends don't know about my lifestyle choices, so here I sit and I search the internet. What do I come up with? The same thoughts, people saying they can't be submissive outside the bedroom because of life. That can't be the answer, there has to be a way.

For now, I just continue to move forward in the bedroom. Waiting patiently for Wed when we have the day alone and we are able to be Master and slave. I know this isn't the end all be all, I know there is a way to balance submission with day to day life. And I am determined to find it.