I keep looking at my current situation, its a train wreck.
I love Die_tryin, with all my heart, but what it is he sees in me I'll never know. I don't really want to know either, those things those mysteries are his to keep. They make me love myself, simply out of respect for his love for me. Is that odd? Does that mean I'm too dependent on him?
Moreover, how did I get to be like this? How is it that I have allowed myself to become so weak that anyone who comes along can see that flaw and beat me into submission (and not the submission I crave). Looking at my FX and my EX I see that they both have beaten and abused me, mentally, emotionally, and yes to a point physically. I have crawled into a shell and retreated from the woman I should be. What about me has made this possible? Was it just a bad choice in men? Or is it a deep-seated flaw in my personality that makes me the eternal victim. I feel weak, broken, and substandard.
How will I move on? Divorce is in my future, not because of DT, but because I need to salvage what little is left of me. DT is a wonderful man, who loves me, and who I love completely. What happens between us is separate from me leaving my FX. But how do I find the strength and security I need to leave the one place I know, the one place where everything is predictable. How do I walk away from that into a world I don't know, one that is full of change and unknown demons? Sometimes the demons you know are worse than the ones you don't.
I'm scared, that I'm not ready..........that I can't do this.
I'm looking at this weekend and just know that it will be a horrid time for Die_Tryin and myself. His SO is a basket-case, she's seeing hope where there is none, looking to god for help, and in the next breath, she is ready to kick him out and show him just what it is that she's made of. On top of that, my SO will be home for the weekend. I'd be a liar if I said I'm not afraid. I am, he's been too nice, too "thoughtful", I suspect that his anger is building inside just waiting for the moment he comes home and I make him mad. Time will tell...
So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about SEX. More specifically the sex that took place between DT and me, when we met for the first time. However, as I've written this its turned into something else.
We've known each other since January, been serious about each other since April. But we had never met face to face. Hours of chatting, and phone calls...webcams and hot phone sex...but to stand before each other stripped down and bare under the harsh light of day. How awkward would this moment be? Would we be shy and hesitant? embarrassed? frightened? Would he run away when he saw my C-section scar, the stretch marks from 4 pregnancies, my less than perky breasts? Would he be repulsed by my chubby arms and soft tummy?
Really I've never been a hard body, I'm short and have a fairly large bone structure, my feet are too big, my fingers are long, my breasts are large, my butt a bit too big. I've always been soft and had curves. Hell, my ob/gyn told me at 18 that I had the perfect hips for carrying babies. My image of myself is less than attractive, not ugly or fat. But chubby and plain. How was this going to work? How could I take my clothes off in front of this man I had never met?
From the mind of Sir Die_Tryin.
Today my lover HBD asked me to write some specific thoughts on our first meeting, so without further stalling here it goes, Raw live and uncut (well-edited just a bit for spelling).
It is Monday morning I am headed for my normal daily work routine that consists of a call to HBD on my way to the office. But today is different I am not headed back to the place where I live, instead, I am going to catch a flight to Denver to have my first in-person meeting with HBD. The day was a busy day at work like most before any kind of trip, my employers only know I'll be back Friday it is “personal travel” and none of their business. So the day ends and I have a 7:00 pm flight, good thing the airport is only 15 minutes away. I check my itinerary and realize in a moment of almost panic that I only have a travel agency reservation number and not the airline confirmation number, so no early check-in for me, 30 minutes wasted. I leave work and call HBD, she is in route to the Hotel we talk to the parking service and the shuttle ride and then to the ticket counter, turns out my panic was not needed. Now I am a fairly regular traveler I should have known this, this is the first clue I am getting nervous. I get my boarding pass and head for the security checkpoint, HBD and I say goodbye for a couple of minutes until I clear security and am headed to my gate, I realize I am feeling a little anxious but chalk it up to the plane saying departing on time in 20 minutes but no plane at the gate. I am chatting with HBD we are keeping the conversation light as I am having to pay attention to the announcements. Finally, time to board, I jump in the line and get to my seat, and finish talking with HBD, at this point the flight is leaving 20 minutes late but expecting to be in early by 30 minutes (go figure). I am now alone with my thoughts, I am now thinking about our first meeting, how I want and hope it will go, we both know what the other looks like, so the physical is out of the way, or is it? Now the “what if's” start to invade my mind, What if she doesn't show up, what if she can't stand me, what if we don't “work” in person. The flight is full I try to rest but I can't the jackass next to me is snoring and trying to molest my shoulder so I am having to be on edge for my shoulders virtue. We land at the connector airport, again I call HBD, she is in Denver and getting ready for me, fears are subsiding, I have 20 minutes to boarding and have to go to the end of a different terminal, I call HBD and do my best impression of an Olympic speed walker to get to the next gate, the pace occupies my brain and lets me quiet the fears.
On to the next leg, another full flight, another snoring middle seat passenger the difference is this one prefers to lean to the isle, whew, at least I can be as comfortable as a 6.0' tall big man can be outside of 1st class. I manage to read and listen to the MP3 player for a bit, as we come in on final approach there is a vicious thunderstorm brewing as we fly in. stuck on the ground, all operations suspended due to lightning strikes near the Airport, we are 300 feet from deplaning, and stuck waiting.
Cell phones are allowed, I call HBD, she sounds frantic and in the car, my first thought is she isn't coming to meet me, she is headed home, then she says the roads are bad and she is headed to the airport. So after about 30 minutes they let us off the plane, HBD is just parking, so I am wandering the airport and talking to her,
Now if you go back to the “Sir Sunday” from the Sunday before "Waiting is the hardest part”, you will see my vision of our first touch and kiss, no I will tell you it went similar to that vision, I saw her as she came up the escalator she didn't see me I was awestruck at her beauty, her grace as she walked to the directory sign and instructed her to read some of it to me. As I drew closer I got a whiff of her perfume, it was heavenly, I quietly set my bags down as I wrapped her up in my arms and whispered in her ear “I'm here Babydoll”. I felt her trembling slightly as I held her and enjoyed the feel of our first touch, I kissed her neck and then I spun her to hug her and kiss her properly, and what a kiss it was. I know in reality the Kiss was only a brief moment, but it seemed to last a lifetime, A perfect lifetime, we kissed like familiar lovers with more knowledge than we should have had for a first meeting. After we finished that first kiss we kissed again and again, like two love drunk teenagers. I have to tell you all the first meeting was beyond my wildest dreams and expectations. Eventually, we will get to more of the emotions around our more intimate encounters.
~DT
Well, let me just say that he didn't run, he took me in his arms, he held me...he loved me. The sex was tender and loving, slow and easy everything I needed and had never had. There wasn't a moment of discomfort, no embarrassment, no awkward moments, I wasn't shy and I never tried to hide my perceived flaws from him. His touch, his kisses, and the way he possessed my body all left me feeling cherished, and yes beautiful. Me??? Beautiful??? How is that possible?
I'm sure you are dying to know how I saw my Sir the first time. I saw his eyes the way they looked at me, and the love that was waiting there. His smile, when he made me laugh. when he leaned in to kiss me. His broad shoulders that were there for me to lean on, and the chest between them where I rested my head...safe....listening to his heartbeat in time with mine. His arms, strong and sure, they held me close and sheltered me. Then his hands, these are the hands of a man that works with them, well worn from days of working, the touch tender, but firm, soft, but possessive, they owned my body. His legs, muscular and able to stand tall in the roughest storm. His sexy ass, the one I couldn't resist touching, grabbing, kissing. And yes his cock, long and hard, thick and throbbing. Wanting me, there was no doubt this man wanted me. Just as there was no doubt that this man loved me, cherished me, and found me beautiful.
To all the music lovers I apologize to you I do not have the voice of our friend Pure Epiphany (be sure to visit her at The Fallacy of Epiphany, unfortunately, you will need to read German) So I will spare you the rendition of me singing “Waiting is the hardest part” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
. Tom Petty - The Waiting Lyrics @ LyricsTime.com
Originally I was going to post about what I was going to do when I first meet HBD at the airport, but that has fallen away from my thoughts and I will touch on that later. I have moved to thinking about the future and where we are headed, our situations and circumstances are moving faster than we ever imagined when we first started “playing” as a pair of good friends. She has a roller coaster ride of emotions from her SO and I do too, there is at least one if not 2 moves on the horizon for us in the next 45 days. So with reality looming and life-changing, we are meeting each other for the first time in person, I have no doubts this will be the largest event in either of our lives. When the trip was booked we were so ecstatic and wondering if we could survive the wait, and now in the last 24 hours the waiting is almost unbearable, truly the waiting is the hardest part.
Now I am sure HBD has been fixating on our first meeting with all the usual thoughts and fears, she has shared them with me and I have shared mine with her, as regular readers know there are no secrets between us, it is a truly liberating feeling. So at her request, I am going to share my “vision” of our first meeting at the Airport. We have agreed to meet at a central “landmark” to facilitate ease of finding each other. So here it goes from the vision and mind of Die_Tryin.
As I debark the plane I power up my cell phone and dial the familiar phone number for HBD,. She answers in her sultry tones “Hello Lover, I am waiting for you”, I reply “Hello Love, I am headed to you now”, small talk continues as I clear the security checkpoint and take the escalator to get to the agreed meeting location, “I am going to hide and make you look for me” HBD taunts, showing her bratty side. “are you asking for a spanking later?” I ask, “Yes Sir” she replies. I have been scanning the crowd which is pretty thin due to the late hour. I know what she is wearing, we have discussed it for weeks now and even though I have never seen it I can still see it. I spot her, she has her back to me, arm across her stomach, and cell phone to her ear, I start walking a little quicker and start her talking on a topic that she can talk for a bit on. I approach quietly and as she finishes and asks “so where are you?” A whisper in her ear as I wrap her up in a hug from behind “right here lover”. I loosen my hug to allow her to spin in my arms and face me, we look into each other's eyes and with a smile, we kiss a long, slow, leave the world, kiss. Then we hug harder, then as we separate continue to hold hands, facing each other, speechless and smiling. After a couple of minutes we kiss again, and after we finish she says “ I thought you would never get here”.......... The rest is for later posts
It's funny how you can be flying along high as a kite, the world is in your hands and everything you've ever wanted finally seems to be coming together. A commitment is made, a promise is spoken, a plan set up...and then in the blink of an eye, it's gone.
All of a sudden there are insecurities, that lead to doubts, that bring on stress. Now it seems like everything is wrong, and you just can't move forward, paralyzed with doubts. Doubts that have no business in your heart, because you know they are unfounded. How do you make these go away, stop them in their tracks and move forward with the plan? The plan that you know will come to pass.
It has been an odd evening. Steps were made towards the final goal, a little preemptive I think, and perhaps that's why it's bothering me. There is a vital step in the plan that hasn't happened, mmm, make that two. And yet here we are on step 3. You know I was ok with that honestly until something else happened. Something that just left me confused, and yes again insecure. So, now I have doubts...I mean HUGE serious doubts. Fears, and near panic...and I know I'll talk to DT later and he'll say all the right things, and tell me what I want and need to hear. And everything will be fine....but right now, here and now I'm not I'm stressed and I don't like it. And that little voice the one that always speaks my doubts, the one that brings out the lost child looking to find her way home, that one is yelling at me right now to run, run away, don't look back and whatever I do don't trust.
This goes back a few days honestly. As I sit and think about it, something happened that shook me. Shook me HARD, at a weak moment. It started the rock rolling, and now I have a full-on avalanche. So, for now, I'll wait. Wait for who knows what. Just knowing that I'm not sure anymore, that I don't want to know the truth, that it may hurt me deeper than any wound I've ever known. Because with that pain, I'm afraid I'll lose myself again.
***********UPDATE***********
"The inspiration for it was, I heard Reba McEntire's 'Whoever's in New England,' and I thought, 'What a great song.'" Jennifer says. "I really liked the story of it. At the same time, it's a story that you hear a lot — the jilted lover, the one who has been cheated on. I thought, 'You know, in that situation, there are three people hurting. Ain't nobody really happy. What if you were bold enough to tell the story of that other woman, and what she feels like in loving someone that is not fully hers either and knowing that there's another woman that's hurting because she's in the picture?' That's complex, adult stuff. Ultimately, it's about the redemption of loving oneself enough to realize, 'I am worth more than this situation. We're all worth more than this situation, really.'"
So, it gets worse as the night goes on. A brief moment of talking, he's got this news that's going to benefit US, I love the man dearly but let me tell you he has got to learn not to believe her. Her lies are so constant that even the truth is a lie. So, after a very short couple minutes, she has managed to again WIN. I'm tired of it, seriously, when will it be my turn.
