HNT - His

So, I'm back for HNT of course, LOL, I had to take a few days to try and work on my relationship with DT. I'm happy to say that we are still together and that we are still working on US. Our plans have not changed, we will be together, but we now see some things in ourselves and each other that we need to work on. I have so much to write about the next few days...you'll all get tired of hearing from me. LOL

Now...on to the HNT ness......






don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

Sir Sunday

Sir Sunday,

Accounting for my Sins against HBD




As you all have read I have wronged the most important person in my world, the one who loves me completely and with every fiber of her being. I have damaged possibly beyond repair the most important aspect of our relationship, trust. I did this by promising, in a cowardly moment to do one thing, knowing for selfish reasons that I was not ready to follow through. In short, I lied. There is no excuse for this behavior and any explanation past “I lied” is a weak excuse, so I am not going to make any other than I lied plain and simple.

The last 10 days have been particularly rough on both of us due to the holidays and visitation of the FX’s. I knew things were bad, but until a few nights ago I didn’t truly know. HBD was ready to call it quits, she has been wounded deeply, and I know I am the cause.

Do I wish I had done things differently? Yes. Do I hope we can go forward? Yes. Do I think HBD is justified in being cautious in regards to my word? Yes.

As you have no doubt read in the post yesterday, HBD has at this point and against her fear, has given me another chance; I know this is based on her love for me. But I also know this is the start of a long cautious journey to return to where we once were. I have completely destroyed the trust of her Brat and even hurt her desire to submit. While these are a part of who we were, and until they return (if they return ever) will be missed they are not solely what define us or our relationship, HBD is my friend, my confidant, my partner, my lover, my sub, my brat, and in my heart my wife. As you can see by that list there is more to us.

HBD, while I know you have no reason to believe me past face value at this moment in our lives, I am making this vow to you, I have the patience to go the distance, I can’t think of a better partner than you for a long journey. I have never stopped loving you and will love you until I breathe my last breath. I treasure you and the gifts you have given me and I will diligently work to earn them back and keep them.

My dearest Brat, while I know you are in deep hiding and may never choose to trust me enough to come out to play, or even to give me a spirited “you can’t catch me, old man”.

I need to speak to you if you will listen. My dearest Brat, you showed yourself to me and we were just getting started, you were in the early stage of trusting me and I betrayed you. I am hoping with time, love and patience you might come back. I also was told to tell you, your friend the animal misses you.

~DT

Picking up the pieces.

From the beginning, DT and I have said one thing for our relationship. Without open and honest as our foundation there would be no us. The bond we have is, amazingly strong in part because we are so open, there are no secrets and no need for them. Yes sometimes, things are exposed raw and ugly. But we look at them with love and know that there is nothing that we can't love each other through...as long as we have open and honest.

Honesty...something I have struggled hard with in the past. I've been married twice now, and both of them were full of lies and secrets. Now, in my current situation, I try to excuse the lies by saying they are to protect myself. In a sense I guess that is true, my FX is a time bomb just waiting to explode. He has even told me (as recently as Christmas Day) to leave the room because I've made him so mad he only wants to hurt me. And yes, he means physically.

With DT it has been different, he was my friend long before there was anything between us. So, being honest with him, confiding in him...trusting him was easy. He gave me honest feedback and helped me to improve myself as a person. Finding the inner me that was beaten down by two horrid men. But that trust was shattered this week when I found out that he has lied to me...on several occasions about his intent to do something. Something he knew meant everything to me...the next step in bringing us together so to speak.

I've cried and screamed over the last few days, feeling myself fall apart. Wondering what else was a lie, did he ever intend for us to be together, and could I give him the chance to right his wrongs that he pleaded for? As a woman I was hurt...as a sub I was crushed, my submission to him was the biggest gift I could give. How can I trust him with my well being now? How do I know that he will have my best interest at heart? How do I move us forward?

Frankly, I don't know...perhaps it was a mistake but I've given him that chance. Sadly along with it, I fear that I have lost my brat and that my sub has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Only time will tell...


deep inside I long to submit to him, it's my purpose.......but fear and pain are winning.

Scared...

What do you do...when the person you trust the most in this world, lets you down in the worst of ways....when you need them the most?

That's the battle I'm fighting within myself right now.....