Soap opera anyone?

There have been many times in my life when I've said that the life I was living was better than any soap opera ever written. Even today that holds true.

I'm living with this great guy who I want to spend my life with. I'm his slave and have given my very soul to him. But he's married to a neurotic woman that desperately wants him back, however, she is verbally and emotionally abusive every time she talks to him. Did I mention that I am also married, to an abusive man who just last week told me (in his words) " I don't know about you but sometimes I really kick myself in the ass for letting you go "

I have a son that is a mental health disaster, two gorgeous girls that love to instigate fights between me and their Dad, and a teen daughter that has pushed me so far that I almost kicked her out, then she ran away, now she's the dream child again.

We've been running our own business and got screwed by someone we thought was a friend.

All in all, it really makes me laugh. But sometimes the stress of it all is a bit overwhelming.


How many times does he have to be asked things like; "If I die would you come get the boys?" "You'll have to come get the boys I'm leaving and you'll never hear from me again", and posting online "Would the boys be better off with DH?" So, I keep asking how long does he have to hear this? We would take the boys in an instant if we thought she was serious and didn't want them. But I know that she uses those comments to get him to call her and talk her down. She wants him at any expense.

On the other hand, my ex is calling and texting all nicey nice. Nothing like the man I was married to. I'm glad to see he's growing into a better person. But I have no desire to share my life with him...EVER. I'm just glad that I don't have to fight and argue all the time. The downside is that I really am still afraid of him. And because of that fear, I do some really stupid stuff. (more on that later)

I wouldn't change my life....the stress, the drama, the craziness of it all. Who wants to be normal?

all the drama...

I know my blog posts have been few and far between recently. There are several reasons, my job of course, and then there is the drama of my future ex (FX). Added to that there is the stress that DT has been going through by moving his family halfway across the country.

Just an update that things in my camp have gone from bad to worse. My husband knows about DT and I being in love, for now, we are telling him that we are all pursuing a poly life. So, much of my venting and ranting in the next few weeks will be all about trying to work through his issues at being poly. I have to do something or he will cut off my communication with DT and that is something that neither of us could stand.

For now, things are this way...DT and I are working to get him to Denver, where we can get him settled and then move me and my girls out to him once I'm out of my situation. Let's just pray this all falls together soon for all of our sake.

Oh the stress.....

So, here I am wondering how the hell I could be so careless!! After giving DT such a hard time for letting a letter slip into his wife's hands I go and point my husband to our blog!

Briefly, this is how it went down. I had an account on tumblr that my husband knew all about, it had started as a place for me to put up images to try and improve our sex life. It failed. I quit updating it and I moved on to a new tumblr for DT and me to put our thoughts into. At some point, I decided that my old tumblr needed a link to my new one, and well there was my downfall.

My husband went to that tumblr page in hopes of getting his rocks off. From there he was led to our new tumblr, and then it was just a click away and he was on my blog page, looking at me in a dress with a sexy click through to my bra/panties/garter set.

Here is where it gets funny, he is more upset about the fact that I wore that set to see another man than the fact that I was WITH another man. OK, so he didn't read enough of the blog to know all the details, and what little he did read he thinks was fiction. WHEW on that note. But really can you imagine that was what bothered him? The fact he bought me undergarments and I didn't wear them for HIM!

Sir Sunday - Strength

Time again for Sir Sunday,


Tonight I am going to be a little somber today, not too much on the lifestyle or on the sex. (I know I am totally risking my readership) I just wanted to comment on HBD and her incredible strength through the trials of the last couple of days. She is standing on the edge of the end of her marriage to a physically abusive man, and a definitely mentally abusive man. The weekend has gone from good to bad to worse and through it all HBD has held her conviction even in the face of the threat of physical bodily harm. (This gets me hot under the collar, A topic for another day and another venue)
I know this sounds like I have a vested interest in this situation. On some levels I do, and on others, I am totally happy to see her grow and regain her life that has been repressed for so long by a series of men who felt it necessary to keep her feeling worthless to keep her “under their thumb”. I know to some of you it sounds crazy for a “Dom” to say that they are proud of a sub and for a sub to show conviction or self-esteem. Those people are wrong, and don't know what it means to be a sub or Dom for that matter.

Well that is where my interest comes in, I am interested in the long future with HBD, I want her as my partner as well as my sub. I am starting the separation and untangling of my situation here as well and finding my inspiration in the strength of HBD.

Thank you HBD for loving me, and accepting me with all my flaws and faults. Just remember I will always love you, always NEED you and always Desire you. You are worth it lover never forget it and we will be together.

~DT

stress, doubts and insecurities....

It's funny how you can be flying along high as a kite, the world is in your hands and everything you've ever wanted finally seems to be coming together. A commitment is made, a promise is spoken, a plan set up...and then in the blink of an eye, it's gone.

All of a sudden there are insecurities, that lead to doubts, that bring on stress. Now it seems like everything is wrong, and you just can't move forward, paralyzed with doubts. Doubts that have no business in your heart, because you know they are unfounded. How do you make these go away, stop them in their tracks and move forward with the plan? The plan that you know will come to pass.

It has been an odd evening. Steps were made towards the final goal, a little preemptive I think, and perhaps that's why it's bothering me. There is a vital step in the plan that hasn't happened, mmm, make that two. And yet here we are on step 3. You know I was ok with that honestly until something else happened. Something that just left me confused, and yes again insecure. So, now I have doubts...I mean HUGE serious doubts. Fears, and near panic...and I know I'll talk to DT later and he'll say all the right things, and tell me what I want and need to hear. And everything will be fine....but right now, here and now I'm not I'm stressed and I don't like it. And that little voice the one that always speaks my doubts, the one that brings out the lost child looking to find her way home, that one is yelling at me right now to run, run away, don't look back and whatever I do don't trust.

This goes back a few days honestly. As I sit and think about it, something happened that shook me. Shook me HARD, at a weak moment. It started the rock rolling, and now I have a full-on avalanche. So, for now, I'll wait. Wait for who knows what. Just knowing that I'm not sure anymore, that I don't want to know the truth, that it may hurt me deeper than any wound I've ever known. Because with that pain, I'm afraid I'll lose myself again.

***********UPDATE***********



"The inspiration for it was, I heard Reba McEntire's 'Whoever's in New England,' and I thought, 'What a great song.'" Jennifer says. "I really liked the story of it. At the same time, it's a story that you hear a lot — the jilted lover, the one who has been cheated on. I thought, 'You know, in that situation, there are three people hurting. Ain't nobody really happy. What if you were bold enough to tell the story of that other woman, and what she feels like in loving someone that is not fully hers either and knowing that there's another woman that's hurting because she's in the picture?' That's complex, adult stuff. Ultimately, it's about the redemption of loving oneself enough to realize, 'I am worth more than this situation. We're all worth more than this situation, really.'"



So, it gets worse as the night goes on. A brief moment of talking, he's got this news that's going to benefit US, I love the man dearly but let me tell you he has got to learn not to believe her. Her lies are so constant that even the truth is a lie. So, after a very short couple minutes, she has managed to again WIN. I'm tired of it, seriously, when will it be my turn.

We interrupt this romance.....

To rip the rug right out from under my feet.

Let's go back, way back. About 6 - 8 months ago I was minding my own business at life. I was married, with kids, and just sleepwalking through life. I met this guy DT, he was married, and things seemed good for them. Things came and went and time went on, and as things happened we started to find that we had a LOT in common, more and more with each passing day.

There were things in the way, a virtual relationship with my virtual sister. A marriage for him, a marriage for me. Kids for us both. And over 1000 miles between us. We played and had fun, saying that if things were different, maybe....maybe.

Then the virtual relationship with my virtual sister fell apart, and we started to come closer and closer to each other. And then the day came that he asked me to be his sub. We designed a ring and we made a commitment to each other. It was then that things really started to grow and build between us. There was a 5-hour chat that brought us to some painful realities. But we grew stronger. And at some point, we realized that we HAD to be together. There was so much talk about when we could extract ourselves from our current situations. And that brings me to today...

His wife found out about me.

Now what? Well, I don't know......and have no idea when I will.