oh no not again.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

I'm getting so disheartened with the whole life. Maybe I'm expecting too much, I am impatient after all. I do know that this is a slow process. We have an ever-changing road ahead of us.

How long can you say We are new to this life, before its just an excuse. That's not to say that we haven't done anything we do have a few things in place. He drives, fills my gas tank, gets my doors, starts my car in the morning, pulls out my chair, orders my dinner, meets me at the door when I get home. These are things that remind me that I am cherished and cared for. They are the little things he does to remind me that he is the Man, and I am his Lady. But the consistency is missing. For example, it's getting more frequent that he doesn't start my car in the morning. I know that he's working now and that he is understandably tired when I get up at 3:30. Where I get frustrated with it is, that he told me once that he would always get up with me and start my car. Even if he went right back to bed after I left. His reason was the way his first wife was with him. She used to get up with him and go back to bed after he left, then she would wake up enough to kiss him goodbye and then roll over and go back to sleep, and in the end, it got to the point he was just trying to make sure he didn't wake her when he left. He said he never wanted that for us....and yet, I'm starting to see it slip that direction. Maybe I'm being hormonal, maybe I'm being oversensitive. I don't know. I just wish he hadn't set me up to expect these things.

We have a nighttime ritual, but I will be the first to say that I am not always consistent with it. Some nights, I am just so tired that I fall asleep before it's done. And he lets it slide. I don't know what I want, but I know that when those nights happen I feel like something is missing all night, and the next day. Do I want a correction the next day? Do I want him to wake me up and make me follow through up on our ritual? Do I want him to take things in hand, look out for my well being and be sure that we get to bed before I am that tired? I really don't know what I want, I think I know what I need. But every time I think it, I feel like I'm taking control.

I'm working very hard to keep up with an evening protocol of getting him a drink, taking off his shoes, and putting on his slippers. But that is something I initiated, so it doesn't have as much impact for me. I know he appreciates it, I can see it in his face, I hear it in his voice which is all the reward I need. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to suggest it.


We get into this pattern, I complain that we are at a stalemate, he apologizes and says he realizes he's let us both down and will work on it. We have a day or two of him showing he's capable. That he can do it, that he will do it. Then we end up right back where we started. I'm hanging looking for direction, looking for consistency, looking for a correction. Then I start to act out, and I shut down and damage us. The last time I even told him I was afraid to hope that this time he would work on things with us. That I was afraid that the same thing would happen again. Because I knew that if it slipped down this slope again I would be hurt, angry, and my hope would be forever damaged. I KNEW this....and I put myself out on the line again.

Every time I go through this I want to just give up to throw in the towel, and let the lifestyle go. Then I come here and I vent and feel like I'm whining.

The valentines debacle

How do you measure love? When you look at yourself and your partner what is the shape of your relationship?

Draw two lines one for you and one for your partner, what does it look like?   Does it look like two waves drifting apart and then coming back to each other? I've seen it many times couples that drift apart until the next big thing comes along. Like having a baby or buying a house.  The trouble is that once the thrill wears off they start to drift apart again.  And what happens when you run out of big things?

Or do the lines start together until one partner's line jumps up, to be followed by the other trying to keep up with the first partner's expectations?  This is that couple who always needs bigger and better to feel loved.  When the little gestures are no longer enough.  The man who was once happy a new set of golf clubs, now won't be happy without the new clubs, and a pull behind cart, next year that won't be enough either.  Where do they go when the money runs out or they hit the top of the line?

Or maybe you look at your line and its full of jagged jumps apart, explosive collisions,  and dramatic gaps where the lines vanish altogether.  These are the couples that thrive on conflict.  They start out as small tiffs that turn to fights, cheating, separation, or even abuse. Where do these lines end? Where do they go?

All of these couples have one thing in common,  a constant escalation.


I know there are many other lines, some work, some don't.  No two couples have the same lines.

So what does your line look like?

I know what I want mine to look like with die_tryin.....




This line starts out apart and has come together with little steps gradual movement, closer and closer. Until finally the line comes together and runs parallel, slowly lifting, growing, the lines become thicker and closer together, until finally, they are one line, still moving upwards together.

But how do I get there? what is it that brings us slowly closer, that makes us larger and more complete? It's not the new house, the new car, the baby. It's the little things. The text in the middle of the day when he just KNOWS that its been rough even without having heard from me. Its the nightly tuck in, with a kiss to my sweet spot and the kiss on the lips, and the directions to sleep sweet and dream of whatever thought he puts into my head. Its the small gestures, the card at Valentine's, the note that tells me how he feels about me, the poem he wrote because he thought of me. The way he always makes me coffee, how he just KNOWS when I need him to be rough, to beat me into a calmer state, or the way he knows that I need to be tied up and centered. The way he can tell when I simply need to be taken and left feeling used.

Now I'm seeing that my line is flawed because those little things aren't always there. Like the Valentine's Day debacle....he bought me a stuffed dog weeks before, and I was grateful, I love it. I use it as a pillow when I nap after work. Then we went out to dinner two nights before. It was an incredible meal at the Golf club, and I loved it. The food was good, we dressed up, and I felt like a Lady. But, the little things weren't there...no card, no note, no poem. And I was saddened by this.



Call me crazy, but I'd give up all the fancy dinners for the rest of my life, just for those little things.

I'm tired....I'm sick.....

Yes, you could say I'm sick and tired....literally.

I'm not sleeping well, not only because of this killer sore throat, difficulty breathing, and fits of lung crushing coughing. But on top of all that my head is spinning, full of thoughts and troubles that keep me awake no matter how hard I try to shut them down.

The foundation of my life with DT is open and honest communication. There is nothing we can't say to each other even if it hurts, we know that anything said is said with love, and the desire to be a strong and constantly growing couple. Here's the thing, sometimes you can say something raw, open, honest, lay your heart on the ground.....and still find that nothing changes. But it's still an issue, unresolved, and it hurts. A hurt so bad that it crawls inside you and begins to eat away at the one thing that makes you ....you. The only way to make the hurt go away is to talk about it. To tell him again what hurts, and why it hurts, even when you know that it's not going to change. Which hurts worse?? Talking about it and being hurt by the one you love and trust the most, or holding in and letting it eat away at you?

Right now, I've decided to just let it eat away at me...I'd rather hurt myself than be hurt by him.

Now, if I could only sleep........

another shower

It's so hot and you're not expected home for a couple hours I've been cleaning all day and I decide to sneak in a quick shower before starting dinner. I strip down and enter the warm water letting it run over my body washing the day's stress away.



Reaching for the soap I lather up my hands enjoying the slick suds on my fingers, quickly soaping my body knowing time is short if I want to get supper on the table before you get home. Most nights wouldn't be an issue, but I have plans for tonight. Arms, legs, hips, shoulders, stomach, ... breasts oh... yeah, my soapy fingers glide over my breasts bringing a gasp to my lips. I couldn't stop myself now, caressing both breasts in earnest. running my hands over my hardening nipples closing my eyes as the hard nubs slide between my fingers.



Caught up in the moment pushing my breasts together squeezing the nipples and twisting them with a pinch for good measure, rolling them through my finger tips feeling my pussy getting wet and dripping down my leg. But not daring to touch it, I want to be ready for you when dinner is done. To show you the results of having left me alone for the day - wanting and needing you. But my breasts and nipples are fair game.



Then I hear the distinct sound of the bathroom door opening and realize you're home early. CRAP, there's no way to hide what I've been doing, my cheeks are flushed, my nipples erect and my breathing is quickened



"Babydoll? What's this? you couldn't wait for me?" I can hear the displeasure in your voice.



'No, Sir, I . . . " you cut me off with a finger on my lips, then pulled your shirt off.



"I am very disappointed, little one, I thought tonight would be ours." your pants were dropped in a heap on the floor, socks and boxer briefs quickly following. Your erection brought a deep yearning feeling to my groin, I couldn't help but groan softly at the site of your naked body before me. I wanted you, now, here, I wanted to touch you, taste you, feel you inside my body. But the look on your face caused me to step back from you as you came into the shower and reached for me. You were upset, I'd let you down. I didn't know what to expect.



Without a word, you grabbed my wrist twisting me away from you with a gentle push. With my free hand, I catch myself against the cool tile wall and hold my body against it with my other hand still caught behind me. Your free hand came down hard on my ass cheek, causing me to gasp in surprise and groan deeply wanting all at the same time. Your hand slipped down between my waiting lips to feel the hot wetness of my eager pussy. You chuckled softly knowing I was more than ready to serve your desires, without a second thought you leaned over, bit my shoulder gently then slipped the head of your cock between my legs, and deeply into my waiting hole. Screaming your name as my first orgasm rocked my body...



Who says a little misbehaving doesn't have its rewards.