oh no not again.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

I'm getting so disheartened with the whole life. Maybe I'm expecting too much, I am impatient after all. I do know that this is a slow process. We have an ever-changing road ahead of us.

How long can you say We are new to this life, before its just an excuse. That's not to say that we haven't done anything we do have a few things in place. He drives, fills my gas tank, gets my doors, starts my car in the morning, pulls out my chair, orders my dinner, meets me at the door when I get home. These are things that remind me that I am cherished and cared for. They are the little things he does to remind me that he is the Man, and I am his Lady. But the consistency is missing. For example, it's getting more frequent that he doesn't start my car in the morning. I know that he's working now and that he is understandably tired when I get up at 3:30. Where I get frustrated with it is, that he told me once that he would always get up with me and start my car. Even if he went right back to bed after I left. His reason was the way his first wife was with him. She used to get up with him and go back to bed after he left, then she would wake up enough to kiss him goodbye and then roll over and go back to sleep, and in the end, it got to the point he was just trying to make sure he didn't wake her when he left. He said he never wanted that for us....and yet, I'm starting to see it slip that direction. Maybe I'm being hormonal, maybe I'm being oversensitive. I don't know. I just wish he hadn't set me up to expect these things.

We have a nighttime ritual, but I will be the first to say that I am not always consistent with it. Some nights, I am just so tired that I fall asleep before it's done. And he lets it slide. I don't know what I want, but I know that when those nights happen I feel like something is missing all night, and the next day. Do I want a correction the next day? Do I want him to wake me up and make me follow through up on our ritual? Do I want him to take things in hand, look out for my well being and be sure that we get to bed before I am that tired? I really don't know what I want, I think I know what I need. But every time I think it, I feel like I'm taking control.

I'm working very hard to keep up with an evening protocol of getting him a drink, taking off his shoes, and putting on his slippers. But that is something I initiated, so it doesn't have as much impact for me. I know he appreciates it, I can see it in his face, I hear it in his voice which is all the reward I need. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to suggest it.


We get into this pattern, I complain that we are at a stalemate, he apologizes and says he realizes he's let us both down and will work on it. We have a day or two of him showing he's capable. That he can do it, that he will do it. Then we end up right back where we started. I'm hanging looking for direction, looking for consistency, looking for a correction. Then I start to act out, and I shut down and damage us. The last time I even told him I was afraid to hope that this time he would work on things with us. That I was afraid that the same thing would happen again. Because I knew that if it slipped down this slope again I would be hurt, angry, and my hope would be forever damaged. I KNEW this....and I put myself out on the line again.

Every time I go through this I want to just give up to throw in the towel, and let the lifestyle go. Then I come here and I vent and feel like I'm whining.