Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.

Its always in the bedroom....

I know I've mentioned numerous times my desire to have more of the lifestyle in our daily life. That hasn't changed. I still want and need that quite desperately. I do realize I may never have that. And that is something I will continue to work through both with DT and within myself.

But let me tell you about the bedroom....oh yes, in the bedroom lifestyle is very much with us. I am his, and his alone. To be used, and abused as he sees fit. When he wants it, any time he wants it. Like a couple nights ago, I was having a poor me pity party day and went to bed feeling alone. Then he rolled me over and told me. "Make love to me." It wasn't a request, it was a direction. I couldn't have said no if I wanted to. And let me tell you, at that moment...I wanted to. I was tired, I was grumpy, and I just wanted to be left alone.

At that moment I had the decision, I could have said no. I could have fought it, and he probably would have let me. But deep down in my soul, that side of me that drives my submission reached up and took hold. I couldn't say no to him. My body was his. His touch started gently, drawing me out. I tried to fight, I tried to resist the pleasure of his touch. He was having none of it, he continued on, ...

I felt his touch, his fingers, his mouth, his tongue....he played with my breast, twisting and pinching my nipples. The pain was focused and intense, bringing my pussy to instant wetness. He probed my cunt with his hands, his fingers pinching my clit before he gave it a good slap. And again, he brought his hand down upon my tender pussy. It was what I needed, the pleasure of it was too much. I came hard, gushing against his hand. Trying not to scream and wake the children. And then, oh yes then he fucked me. Hard and demanding, drawing out orgasm after orgasm. I didn't exist any longer, all that lay beneath him was a wet hole for him to take his pleasure from. A tight wet cunt for him to fuck, and he did. Several times, each one more intense. After he used me to his liking he let me sleep....and I was satisfied, happy. Knowing that in the bedroom, its always there. I will always be his slave in the bedroom.

Even when I've given up all hope of having this thing outside our sex life. I know that naked under his weight I will submit to his whims, whenever he desires. And I will feel used, and degraded....and cherished.....but only in the bedroom.

HNT - rope anyone?

I used to think I liked Chain, cold and hard. But then I found rope with DT and let me tell you I'm still drawn to chain but rope is my new love. Here is a shot from our last visit when I flew to New Jersey.





don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

A Dom with OCD?

Sir Sunday 7-12-09

From the mind of Die_Tryin


Today I am starting with a question.
“Have you ever gotten fixated on a new idea or pastime that has consumed your thoughts to almost the point of not functioning?”

Well for me it is not too far of a trip, I have a mild form of OCD toward new experiences and “hobbies” couple that with a Virgo birth-sign...well now you know why I have “geek” tendencies.

So the OCD makes all new things a heavy focus and the Virgo in me makes me research it until I am a “book” master of the subject or task at hand. HBD mentioned in her blog post "Everyone should love a geek". I quote HBD "A Geek will study anything and everything from anatomy to physics, to the pure science of sex itself with an un-dying passion. " so that is part of what makes me a “Geek”.

So as you have been reading HBD and I are on a journey of mutual as well as self discovery, in our lives and our lifestyle. In these discoveries the latest one to surface is a mutual appreciation and interest, in rope play of all types, we are both novices, yet when I look at it my OCD kicks in and I am already trying to figure out Shibari a very advanced form of Japanese rope bondage, now that is just like me Run before I am even walking, so I have to remind myself to learn the basics before going to the advanced. Who knows Someday HBD will “Fly” by my rope work, but until then I have to remember to practice and take it slow, It is a good thing I have a great loving and trusting partner in my HBD.

~DT