Just Some Thoughts on Positions in this Lifestyle we Live

With all this communication going on, I'm happy to say that DT and I are getting closer every day.  We have grown in so many ways, and while we were drifting apart, we are happy to say that we have survived and are stronger for it.

But it has made me think...
and recently the thing I've been thinking about the most is where I am mentally, who am I, what position do I hold in this relationship. The answer is many, I am a woman of many hats.

1. Mom - DT and I have 8 children between us, I love them dearly.  The ones who live with us, the ones who have grown up and moved out, the ones that I've never met.  They are a part of my life that makes me happy.  But they are a part of my life that brings about many questions regarding how to partake in our lifestyle without confusing or harming their mental health.

2. Wife - While DT and I have been together for 8 years, we have only been legally married for a year and a half. It's funny I didn't really think that piece of paper would really be that big of a deal, but it really did at least mentally. As a wife, I am responsible for the welfare of my family, and my husband.  That means I make decisions, I control the money, and I frequently have to say NO to DT when it comes to things he wants or wants to do. It's a complicated mindset for one who wants to be led as deeply as I do.

3. Boss - I am the Operations Manager for a very lucrative online Entrepreneur, I have 2 assistants, and the owner defers to me in critical business matters.  I love my job, I love the day to day stress and power that come with it.  I love being successful!



4. Business Owner - DT and I are in the middle of opening a business of our own. It's one that I have had dreams of opening for years.  I'm not sure how I'm going to fit this into my life because I will be the boss in the respect that I will be the one at the store most I will be the one in charge, while he will continue to work his full-time job for the insurance. Things have changed in this arena, in a terrifyingly exciting way.  Everyone keep thoughts positive that the offer we make is accepted!

5. Submissive - I am a true submissive, this is not a game for me. I don't do it for roleplaying purposes, I don't do it just for the sexual thrill.  I do it because I have a need to serve the man I have given my heart and soul to. I need to give up the control, power, and stress of my daily life. I need to give of myself, and that means I need to serve and please my Sir DT.  When I attempted to go about my daily life without this part of me I was miserable, something was missing and I can't be happier that I have found it again. We definitely have things to work on and learn. But moving forward we are, I just need to find a way to express my needs better outside of the sex/pain dynamics.

6. Slave - Well, you know, I'm not sure this is actually me anymore.  Part of me thinks that I was always confused when it came to this part of me. I always thought this was what I wanted, to give up total control to another.  To let them have all of the power, what they say goes.  I serve them and that's that. I wanted the weight of the world to be taken from my shoulders, I wanted to be cared for and protected, I wanted to be an object to be cared for and used as another saw fit. But now.......

7. Little - This is something that DT and I have just started to make a part of our lives.  Well, at least we talked about it.  But when I look at it, nothing has changed, even at the most basic level, it hasn't changed.  I think that it scares DT, even though we have discussed the preconceptions and beliefs about this dynamic. I still feel deeply that what I want here, and what DT is willing to give are two different things.  And while I know that I need this, that I was allowed to hope, it does not seem to be something that we are going to be able to make work for us.  And I will not under any circumstances look outside our relationship for this.

But I feel that I should be allowed to mourn this part of myself

Sir Sunday - Whenever edition

Hello again readers, I feel it is starting to happen again, Life…… Life gets in the way, inserts itself and decides to take and change your focus. It can be the little things, a small project that needs to be done, working overtime, missing some of the details. Or it can be major life altering changes, starting a new job or opening a business.

I feel the stress of some of these elements every day, I see them in HBD and our dynamic is usually the thing that takes the hit, not because we don’t want it or that we don’t want it to succeed… quite the contrary we want it to succeed, but it is still fledgling and young and vulnerable.

Our dynamic suffers because of past failures and wounds, this causes trepidations, allows for old bad habits to enter. I admit I am human and fall into bad patterns and habits when I am stressed, tired and worn out.

But I am supposed to be the strong one, her Rock , her Anchor when the squalls of the world are swirling around her, around us, I am supposed to be the safe place, Harbor from the storm. I am trying to be those things, in some ways I succeed and in others I am failing…...again. The Little things….. There is a lyric from a band named “Jim’s big Ego”, their song, stress goes like this “It's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention”. I am a very musical person and believe in the concept of a soundtrack that can define your life, a top 10 if you will. That song is a contender for long term on my list.

My reaction to stress varies from hyperactivity to apathy, I have never been able to figure it out and it tends to go the wrong direction at the wrong time, couple that with the rest of my life and it is a recipe for problems. Problems in communication are the worst, these frustrate and obfuscate the issues adding to and compounding the issues, a little lapse or misstep becomes a major issue, when communication is compromised then both parties withdraw even more making it worse.

I will always struggle,  I will always have to resist the bad patterns and habits. I am only human after all. To my Babydoll, I promise you this; you are my everything, my whole life, the reason the sun rises in my world and I will always love you until past my dying day.

~DT

Sir Sunday- Father's Day Edition

             Hello all, and a happy father's day to all the fathers out there. As a father of 4 and a dad of 8 let me tell you this is one of the holidays that I like, unfortunately, 4 of my kids live in other countries and states and due to meddling from ex-wives 1 still communicates with me, one is perpetually pissed off at me (we are going on 5 years now) and 2 are too young to contact me directly ( I can hope they will be allowed to reach out to me when they are older, as I am unsure they even get the cards and gifts I send as there is never any feedback). Now before this starts to sound like a "poor me" post let me say these are choices I made and am now paying the price for, while I love my children and support them I am not regretting my choices. These choices and paths lead me to HBD and for this, I am ever grateful.
            My HBD and the 2 children that still dwell with us went out to dinner the next town over and to also get my father's day gift, A new Propane grill (as my current grill is about 11 years old been moved across country, and frankly it is well used and just worn out, I got my money's worth 5x over). We all had a great dinner at a steakhouse and the waiter even made the youngest one laugh (a difficult feat most of the time). Then when we got home the youngest and I assembled the grill. I am thankful for MY HBD and all of our Kids both near and far and hope to reunite with the distant ones and eventually heal all the wounds and issues.
            Oh, and I almost forgot the oldest child and I are going to a concert tonight (I would like to think it is my father's day gift but I don't know the band). So I am signing off for this week and will have more in the next episode of Sir Sunday.

~DT

Road Tripping our way to communication

And we're back.....
DT and I have taken some time off.  He had a child graduating from High School in California.  After 100 different plans for the trip, some with the other kids, some with just him alone, we finally decided that we would load up in the car and drive just the two of us.

The quick details, we left home on Wednesday, drove to Utah where we had planned to stay at the home of a friend.  A friend who happened to stand us up and we had to find a hotel at the last minute that night. Thursday morning we got up and headed off on the last leg of our trip to California where we had booked a hotel for 3 nights. Graduation was Friday, Saturday we spent the day running around San Francisco with the graduate.  The Sunday we headed back home, planning a stop in Reno for some adult time before heading out Monday for a stop in Idaho to visit with friends, and then leaving there to head home on Tuesday, where we arrived on Wednesday at 5:30 in the morning.

It was a good trip, we enjoyed ourselves, connected on levels we hadn't intended and reached new understandings in our relationship.

We spent a large amount of time on the initial leg of our trip discussing our relationship as it has changed and adapted since our last trip. Not having the kids with us allowed for a much more free-flowing conversation. One of the things we spent a good amount of time on is refreshing where our heads are at regarding hard stops, no go's and turn-offs. This part of the conversation took a long time, and it took a lot of effort for me.

The hardest part about this conversation was admitting that while we had always said no to DD/lg relationships and dynamic, it was actually something I needed.  I needed it on a deep cellular level and that scared me, I just knew that if I admitted this to DT I would be damaging our relationship.  This was a hard NO for him, I would rather live without telling him and know that this would never be a part of our life than tell him and be denied the need. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the thing that made this a hard NO for us was the misconception that this dynamic was based on pedophilia, daddy issues, or infantilism. None of which were the things that I wanted in our relationship.  What I want, is to be carefree, childish, a BRAT, to be able to let go of my adult worries, know that I have a safe place to go always, to be allowed to step away from all the responsibility I deal with daily, to allow the weight of the world to fall from my shoulders and be carried by someone else. More importantly, I need someone to take care of me, to make sure I have what I need, when I need it, to make sure that I take care of my own basic needs, and to have my needs taken care of by him. What I have previously seen as a slave mentality and need, was actually a little mentality.

This was a terrifying conversation and one that I'm still trying to process.  I don't know if it will happen, I know that now I ache for it.  I know that I'm still scared that I will be let down again, and I know that I still feel that DT and I have some different pictures of what this will look like. Only time will tell. But for now, I know that we are moving forward as a couple, in a D/s relationship. And for now, I'm trying to let that be enough.

Another Sir Sunday (in my own sweet time) Post graduation edition,

               As I left off in the week before last's edition HBD and I were heading to CA for a graduation, this was a long time in the car together and allowed for some uninterrupted and needed communication on where we are, where we are going, and where we want to go. HBD and I have always liked the fact that this lifestyle is "a'la cart" and just because your kinks don't necessarily align with ours, it doesn't make you any more BDSM or M/s than we are.
             In this conversation time we revisited our hard limit inventory (something we hadn't done in too long) as we grow in the life  there are things that may go from hard "NO", to we are curious, and even vice versa where something we tried before became a NO.  In the course of this conversation, I stated that a NO was the Daddy/BabyGirl dynamic that quite often has negative connotations to those outside the lifestyle. I mentioned that I didn't need this based on having a misinformed assumption of the dynamic.  Down the road a bit and some conversation later this had caused some obvious distress in HBD and she wanted to discuss it but was afraid that the discussion of her needs would damage us, our fledgling return. I reassured her that we should discuss it and I even tried to make little light comments about it as I wasn't completely sure of the topic at hand. Finally, through a version of twenty questions and conversation, it came out she needs the Daddy dynamic. The protector, the leader, head of household and caretaker roles, needless to say I was a bit embarrassed. I missed this connection, as a Dom, in a living together/married relationship these qualities should already be there on some level. If she chose to look at me as a Daddy I should be taking that as a compliment.  I will be that for her, the strong but gentle protector when needed.

            As we are growing and progressing, communication and respect are two of the major cornerstones of this relationship. I am still learning, but I know that part of my role as a leader is to listen to my HBD to ensure her needs are met as well.
             The graduation itself was uneventful and it was good to spend time with my son, I made another mistake at the event, we were lining up and were about 12 feet away from my EX (the one you recall from last time that was playing my son against me over money). It appeared she didn't notice us  (despite my saying hi and waving, more on this later) and in my wanting to not be surprised if/when she noticed us, I made HDB insecure and upset her deeply. This led to a bad couple of hours and delayed the next days events (my fault). We went to do the touristy things in my old home town, took HBD for pizza at a place I worked at in HS that is still wildly successful (from 1 to 7 locations)  then on to sightseeing. All in all a good day.
               The drive home was going to take 3 days because we had planned a short driving day for the first day and only went for 2 ish hours, HBD let me know she was still upset and processing from the events of Fri and Sat. We had a good evening (except for a large town closing the restaurants before 10pm on a Sunday night) so it was kinda take what we could get for dinner.
              Monday was a long drive and we discussed it more, she was hurt not understanding why I looked at the ex the way I did, misreading my look as desire, not weariness, I sometimes forget how fragile HBD is because she is so strong and has survived so much.  I committed a big error: I assumed she was secure, not on the level of arrogance, more on the level of she has nothing to fear and she should know that. I have apologized and we have discussed this and with time the wound will heal, buy it is a lesson learned for me and even though my time if having to deal with that ex is definitely limited over the course of our future I will be wary of hurting HBD like that again.
            Thank you HBD for loving me and having faith in me, I love you. Your Sir Die Tryin

Sir Sunday, pre-graduation and Memorial Day edition, (aka Sir Monday)

            Have I ever mentioned to you that HBD and I have 8 children between us in 3 states? as they get older the normal rites of passage start to come around as they get older we are about to have my 2nd oldest graduate from High School, this necessitates a trip of almost 1300 miles each way. Being the adventurous couple we are we decide that driving is the way to go and it will allow for a couple of short visits with friends in other states.
            Herein lies the rub, the graduating child is already enlisted in the military and scheduled to go in August, my 1st ex contacted me asking to continue paying child support, with the comment , "you have already paid 11 years what's another 2 months". I told her no in not so many words, not 4 hours later my child is calling me stating they are "stressed out, because their mom has told them that because your dad isn't extending the child support until you leave, they need to cover the shortfall".
to me this is the worst kind of manipulation a parent can use to drive a wedge between a child and the other parent; this one is especially heinous because the older child (who just married and moved away) was not charged rent in the 14 months before they left. This is one of the major reasons she is an EX, she can't take responsibility for her own lack of planning I wanted to counter her comment with "and you have seen the end of this money coming for 11 years", bit in the not wanting to make a bad situation worse for the child I bit my tongue. My Graduating child has mentioned HBD and myself not attending because it will be awkward, translated the ex-wife is complaining and making their life hard because she doesn't want to see me with HBD (the ex has been on less than 10 dates in 11 years) and most of all she doesn't want to see me happy.
          Now the point of my lengthy preamble, no matter how bad the breakup, no matter how unhappy you are in your life, whether or not you take any responsibility in the failure of your marriage, you cannot take it out on the kids for your shortcomings, for your insecurities and unhappiness. This is the greatest crime you can perpetrate on your children. (rant mode off)

            As we are readying ourselves for this trip I am reminded why HBD is mine and my choice to spend my life with. Every day we are working on the routine, protocol, discussing what is working, or not and how to improve. I know this sounds against the M/s dynamic, but as we have struggled before I am taking a page from my leadership and managerial background, and listening. I feel this is working as HBD is communicating with me in an open manner, with respect, and genuine concern for our continuing growth and success. You can say I have given her a task and she is performing well, we had an instance the other night wherein the course of her duties she performed her task well and it ended up giving her an upset stomach for the next two days, I had neglected to properly address it and pushed, this was not in the best interest of her well being, our number one tenant. Needless to say, I almost ruined another good start, HBD to her credit addressed it with me in a calm and respectful way at the next possibility. I have to say I am looking forward to almost 50 hours in the car with HBD, it will allow for some good intimate conversations without major interruptions if I can keep her awake. Until next Sunday, stay safe and stay Kinky.

Die Tryin