But it has made me think...
and recently the thing I've been thinking about the most is where I am mentally, who am I, what position do I hold in this relationship. The answer is many, I am a woman of many hats.
1. Mom - DT and I have 8 children between us, I love them dearly. The ones who live with us, the ones who have grown up and moved out, the ones that I've never met. They are a part of my life that makes me happy. But they are a part of my life that brings about many questions regarding how to partake in our lifestyle without confusing or harming their mental health.
2. Wife - While DT and I have been together for 8 years, we have only been legally married for a year and a half. It's funny I didn't really think that piece of paper would really be that big of a deal, but it really did at least mentally. As a wife, I am responsible for the welfare of my family, and my husband. That means I make decisions, I control the money, and I frequently have to say NO to DT when it comes to things he wants or wants to do. It's a complicated mindset for one who wants to be led as deeply as I do.
3. Boss - I am the Operations Manager for a very lucrative online Entrepreneur, I have 2 assistants, and the owner defers to me in critical business matters. I love my job, I love the day to day stress and power that come with it. I love being successful!
4. Business Owner - DT and I are in the middle of opening a business of our own. It's one that I have had dreams of opening for years. I'm not sure how I'm going to fit this into my life because I will be the boss in the respect that I will be the one at the store most I will be the one in charge, while he will continue to work his full-time job for the insurance. Things have changed in this arena, in a terrifyingly exciting way. Everyone keep thoughts positive that the offer we make is accepted!
5. Submissive - I am a true submissive, this is not a game for me. I don't do it for roleplaying purposes, I don't do it just for the sexual thrill. I do it because I have a need to serve the man I have given my heart and soul to. I need to give up the control, power, and stress of my daily life. I need to give of myself, and that means I need to serve and please my Sir DT. When I attempted to go about my daily life without this part of me I was miserable, something was missing and I can't be happier that I have found it again. We definitely have things to work on and learn. But moving forward we are, I just need to find a way to express my needs better outside of the sex/pain dynamics.
6. Slave - Well, you know, I'm not sure this is actually me anymore. Part of me thinks that I was always confused when it came to this part of me. I always thought this was what I wanted, to give up total control to another. To let them have all of the power, what they say goes. I serve them and that's that. I wanted the weight of the world to be taken from my shoulders, I wanted to be cared for and protected, I wanted to be an object to be cared for and used as another saw fit. But now.......
7. Little - This is something that DT and I have just started to make a part of our lives. Well, at least we talked about it. But when I look at it, nothing has changed, even at the most basic level, it hasn't changed. I think that it scares DT, even though we have discussed the preconceptions and beliefs about this dynamic. I still feel deeply that what I want here, and what DT is willing to give are two different things. And while I know that I need this, that I was allowed to hope, it does not seem to be something that we are going to be able to make work for us. And I will not under any circumstances look outside our relationship for this.
But I feel that I should be allowed to mourn this part of myself
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