How Deeply Important Aftercare is for the Dominant and the Submissive in BDSM

I've decided to take a little bit different direction with the blog here, no one wants to listen to me whine about what I'm not getting or complain about being let down all the time.  This isn't supposed to be a crying ground.  This is supposed to be a place of growth and learning.  So today we start a new page where we look at the importance of aftercare in the BDSM scene, both for the Dominant and the submissive.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the time following a scene or play session where you take time to mentally and physically recover from the moment and take care of each another’s needs. During this it is also important that you allow yourself to return to the roles you hold outside of the scene and allow your mind and body to return to the realty of every day. While I know many of us would love to stay in the heady high that comes with a good play session, reality always awaits, and it is our responsibility to ensure that our partner is well taken care of and prepared for the day/night to come.  With that being said, some scenes are so intense emotionally that the Dominant will need to ensure that they are able to see to the needs of the submissive as they wind down and recover from the experience. However, it does not mean that Dominants do not also need to be concerned about aftercare for themselves; it is very common for a Dominant to need to reconnect with themselves and their partner. While this may not be the case for you and your submissive or Dominant, at the very least, you will want to ensure that you are well hydrated, properly rested, and that you have a light snack.

When you are first entering into a BDSM relationship it is very important that aftercare is a part of your negotiation and contract or other "rules" regarding the scenes you intend to make a part of your relationship. There are many BDSM practitioners around the world, some have extensive aftercare plans and protocols, sme have a varied system of aftercare that depend on how the participants feel at the end of a session and still others that do not perform any form of aftercare at all after a scene, These couples or individuals believe that aftercare is the personal responsibility of the individuals involved to see that each is taking care of their on needs after play. This can be because the Dominant or submissive have selfish reasons for who performs and how aftercare is performed these relationships are rarely deep or long lived, they are superficial and self fulfilling.

Types of Aftercare

In general there are two types of aftercare, one being physical and the other being emotional.

Physical Aftercare which includes the basics, making sure that all toys, ropes, blindfolds etc. are removed and set aside. Obviously, you will want to ensure that there are no injuries that require immediate attention Once the safety of your partner is ensured then it is time to take care of their physical self. Just like any form or work our, it is also important to keep in mind that dehydration, and blood sugar levels are very real concerns. Depending on what each play session or scene consists of will impact both partners differently, but no matter what else happens making sure that you are well hydrated and that any blood sugar concerns are met is of vital importance.  Keep water in your play space, have easy to eat snacks on hand and make sure they are available to both you and your partner as part of your aftercare protocol.

The next concern you will want to address for both you and your partner, is warm and comfortable.  This may mean getting them a blanket, helping them dress, or changing the air temperature in the room.  A hot and sweaty partner won't appreciate a warm fuzzy blanket, but may want a light sheet to lay under. This is also the perfect time to regroup physically be affectionate. Hugging, kissing, massage, quiet cuddling, playful tickling and relaxing in the moment. This physical one on one connection is healing for both of you.
Emotional Aftercare, can be anything from cuddling, kissing, and holding one another to discussing how you feel after the scene.  What was going through your head, what did you both enjoy.  What didn't work for you.  This emotional aftercare is more than just making you feel better in the moment, it is also making sure that you continue to grow together in future scenes.  But don't forget to spend time just enjoying each other and making sure that as partners you are still strong and confident with one another.  Make sure your sub knows you care, make sure your Dom knows you hold no ill will.  The scene is over and it's time to move on.

Wait...Does Everyone in BDSM need Aftercare?

Just like in everything else, people are different. That means that some people will be completely okay without aftercare, or some people may prefer to be left alone to reconnect on their own terms rather than cuddle up and be affectionate. This personal difference is why it’s important for every couple to negotiate how they will address aftercare before their first play session or scene. With that being said, if you’re new to or just starting to experiment with BDSM in your relationship, and you're not sure what kind of aftercare you or your partner may need, then be prepared for anything.  Then be sure to spend time after your play session discussing your feelings and what you feel that you need at that time and use this as a jumping off point for you to learn and grow from. As with any other aspect of your BDSM scenes or play things will change and grow the longer you are involved in the lifestyle. Aftercare is no different, so don't forget when you renegotiate and revisit your contracts and agreements, that aftercare is included in that discussion.

Additionally, many assume that aftercare is exclusively something that a Dominant must provide for a sub, though that simply isn’t true. Someone in a Dominant role may experience the same ‘drop’ from physical exertion as a sub, and can similarly desire the emotional connection that re-establishes the normal, loving and affectionate roles of your relationship.

There is no right way to provide aftercare, there is no right or wrong level of aftercare that fits everyone. The only real guideline that applies to you and your play is that you must be open with one another, accepting of each others needs, and attentive to the emotional and physical needs of yourself and your partner.

For me....

It really depends on the scene, and how intense it is emotionally and physically.  Emotionally taxing scene's and play time will always require more aftercare for me.  The are exhausting both physically and mentally, this is when I need to be held, hugged, kissed, reminded that no matter humiliating the scene was, no matter how degraded I felt...that I am still loved. Physical scenes tend to put me in to a hyper state of mind. I need to laugh and giggle and talk about anything and everything.  But most of all I need to be reminded to eat and drink something.

What works best for you?  Or what doesn't work for you?

Drop me a note and share your preference for others to consider adding to their protocol!

Sir Monday - Just lovin' life

                  Greetings again my kinky friends and followers. Time for another installment of Sir Die Tryin's soapbox in the dark corner of his mind. Things are moving along, HBD and I are working on integrating our D/s into our daily lives and making progress. I have realized being a "Daddy" figure is feeling more and more natural every day and we are getting more comfortable communicating our needs. Today's post is just random observations and thoughts from me.

                   First, it was recently HBD's birthday, her mother ordered in her favorite food from where she grew up, Portillo's Italian Beef, if you haven't had a Chicago style Italian Beef sandwich, you are missing out, and if you haven't had a Portillo's you need to get one before you die. The night before I grilled her regular favorite meal ribeye steak and sweet potato, real Midwest comfort food a good solid meal all the way around.

                  I don't normally talk bedroom except in generalities. For the same reason that certain parts of our bodies were "off-limits"  when we participated in HNT.  Because they are my property and I choose not to share them.  But in this one case, I will make an exception. My Babydoll is an exceptional lover, responsive, and takes all I give and keeps coming back for more. However, I want to give her special recognition in her fellatio skills When given the direction to suck my cock, not only is she eager like my little cock hungry whore should be, she gives it 150% until I tell her to stop or let her claim her "bragging rights" when I let her service me until I cum. In that one act, I see the care, the desire to serve (Not that it isn't there in other parts of our play and sex life.) this one act that she performs so well that is purely to please her Sir. I sometimes think I see a smile and a twinkle in her eyes as I give the direction to service me. Her term "bragging rights" comes from none of my prior lovers or sexual partners ever having cared enough to see the task through to completion, Usually, it always came to an end prematurely with one excuse or another, like a sore jaw (I am a bit thick in that area) or it takes too long to get me off. My Babydoll had set the goal to surpass and overshadow any prior attempts before we ever met in person, and she has succeeded repeatedly. In sharing this it reminds me just how lucky I am to have found my Babydoll, and that she chose to give me her submission, and continues to work with me towards our dreams and aspirations of a 24/7 D/s life.

                 In closing, whatever your situation is make the best of it, appreciate what you have and don't lose the best thing in your life over being stubborn or stupid, people change and the ones that truly want to be in your life and want you in theirs will find you. You just have to be smart enough to recognize when you have it.

Thank you, my friends, for reading, about our journey through love and submission.

~Die

Sir Sunday- forget me not

Sir Sunday- forget me not
           When you hear the phrase "forget me not", I'm sure lots of different things come to mind. You might be reminiscent, or think about the flower of that name, I am referring to logon, PWs and keeping them straight while having "alter-egos".
               When HBD and I took our break from lifestyle, time marched on, we replaced technology, reloaded operating systems and got new phones. Now some of these Online IDs were easy to recover, and others are proving to be more difficult, HBD had an email account terminated and is unrecoverable, this is causing difficulty accessing and recovering the accounts tied to it. When we started we made sure to separate and "firewall" our Kink from our daily lives, out of necessity, for the size of the community we live in it needs to be that way. At one point I was keeping a detailed PW list, secured under a locked folder, with a common PW I wasn't changing anytime soon. While it is secure, it wasn't perfect and we have managed to lose a few key PWs including an encrypted partition with lots of images of HBD and our play sessions (the early years) when we had trips away from the kids and her ex was still taking them for his weekends.

             

            So how do you keep the two separate, your kink life from your outward-facing life? This is the question that more than likely vexes most of us that are not fortunate enough to have kink-friendly lives. We are working to recover these sites and will hopefully succeed, recovering the encrypted partition I hope we can get as well, they were great shots of intimate moments shared. If any of our readers have suggestions please message us or put them in the comments.

           

               Status update, HBD and I are finding ways to work subtle things into our daily lives, it is still evolving and not perfect but I want her to know I am noticing and proud of her, I know I miss some of the nonverbal and verbal cues, but that is, unfortunately, part of my learning process, I am working on being more attuned to what is happening outside of the bedroom, (fortunately that area is a solid part of our relationship, I am in harmony with her needs there most of the time). HBD is an incredibly giving woman in everything she does and I am truly the luckiest Dom to have her and that she has given herself to me, body, mind, and soul.



              Thank you again for reading another Sir Sunday edition of Love and Submission.

~DT

Sir Monday- Post TEDx #inspired

Sir Sunday- Post TEDx #inspired


            HBD and I just had an incredible weekend together! While not the original format we had been planning it was still a positive, uplifting and awe-inspiring two days. As in the title we went to a TED Talks local edition, well local to the metro 3 hours away from us. We brought 2 of our children so they could attend a music concert on the second night. This part of the trip plans was originally supposed to be the oldest daughter and her boyfriend in their own room (she is in her 20's) and us in ours. Well, then the boyfriend canceled. Prior to the boyfriend deciding he was going to attend, I was supposed to go to the concert but the conflict of the TEDx event made my path clear. So, the other child took my place as the concert-goer with her sister.

           The TEDx event was 3 sessions for a total of 22 speakers, artists, presenters and activists. All have an inspiring message, or a thought-provoking idea, even a community shaking concept. We heard from poets, musicians, scientists, average people, doctors and entrepreneurs, all spoke to their passion, their ideas, and purposes. There were exhibits and smaller events like a brunch with speakers from previous years. Overall it was the most thought-provoking events I have attended in years and I was able to share it with my HBD. If you have never been to a TED or TED x event I highly recommend it, you might just have your thought process shifted.

          Of course in a public venue HBD and I partake in one of our favorite public pastimes; people watching. We range from simple observation to making up ludicrous and elaborate stories based on the way people present themselves, is it socially acceptable, probably not but since when are we 100% socially the norm? Nothing too out of the ordinary this trip but we have had some doozies, we both consider ourselves students of casual sociology (HBD has actually considered going back to school to get a degree in it as it interests her that much).

          Back to lessons of the weekend learned, first; follow your passion whatever it is, never let anyone tell you it is worthless or to extinguish your fire. Second; stick to your guns, you can include people in your passion, but take measures to ensure the vision stays true to you. Third; don't worry about the "haters" there are always people that can't stand to see other people happy, succeeding or achieving, Forth and Lastly in my opinion; communicate honestly to those included in your passion so that expectations can be met openly and honestly.  One more thing is to NEVER GIVE UP, no matter what the adversity.

            Now you might ask why I am sounding like a Tony Robbins personal power event, this is the reason; these steps no matter how you wrap them and apply them to are a basic recipe for success and have been taught and mimicked by greater men than me, (Stephen Covey anyone? 7 habits of highly effective people/ leaders etc) So my point is apply these simple tenants to every aspect of your life and you can succeed. Is success easy? NO! But anything worth having is worth fighting for. While I have always known this sometimes we can all use a refresher, a refocusing a "tune-up" as it were. I had another "tune-up" this weekend and know that we are unstoppable, we will reach our goals both in lifestyle, family life and professionally. With HBD at my side, my feet and beneath me. We will get there Through Love and Submission.

~DT

Struggling to Satisfy our Needs with Kids in the House

The hardest part about being in a BDSM relationship to me is how to satisfy your needs when you live with kids.  We have two teenagers living at home, there is a small bathroom between our room and the oldest.  I know she can hear into our room based on conversations about mundane things she's heard from our room.  Things like my cell phone ringing, or action scenes in movies we watch after going to bed.  Or the night that DT reached over and poked my nipple, and I farted.  Yup, childish laughter for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face laughter.  She heard it! So, what do you do?  How do you do it?

Let's start by saying, I'm loud in bed. It's taken me years to perfect the art of quiet sex, and there are still times that I slip. Going and staying at hotels isn't an option, sending the children off to grandma's not going to happen. So, we are back to trying to figure out how to make this work for us without scarring our children. I'm all ears, if you have any tips and advice please let me know.

The good news is that we are getting ready to go out of town this coming weekend, which means a night in a hotel without the children.  While I'll still have to keep the volume at a respectable level, I'm definitely hoping for a little crop or flogger action.  Fingers crossed, DT is on the same page. Because clamps and clothespins can only go so far.

Sir Sunday, Happy independance day edition

Sir Sunday 4th of July edition,

                 Hello again, it is time for another edition of Sir Sunday, this week as we are all spending time with family and friends, celebrating our country's independence I just want to say be safe, and have fun.

              As a tie in topic, (pun intended) let's discuss safety in the bedroom, playroom or anywhere else you take pleasure with your sub or Dom. First and foremost, listen to your partner. Even their most subtle body language, look for the tells of hesitation, avoidance outside of the normal "scenes" you might be in and above all listen for the safe word. Sometimes it can be as simple as listening for an outcry that is unexpected at the moment. For example, spanking and flogging can elicit a pain response that results in an outcry, be aware of your subs well being and don't hesitate to back off a second and ask for a status check. Always, keep the safety and well being of your playthings in mind.  Remember trust is the key to any BDSM relationship and your partner trusts that you have their general well-being at heart. I know to the uneducated and outsider looking in, this sounds like the opposite of what BDSM is, "well I'm supposed to hurt them, they like it, they know /deserve what I am giving them" these are all true to a point and as a good submissive wants to serve their master, they also don't want to be permanently broken. The marks, bruises and other agreed-upon consensual by-products of a solid "play" session are incredible marks of ownership.

           What do you do if your partner throws a "hard stop" or safeword?  Well, this should be obvious, stop what you are doing, assess the situation, check that your sub is not in any danger of harm, and rectify the situation to remove the problem, be it a rope, a toy or even you the Dom yourself! Never forget that even though you as the Dom are the one leading the scene, the sub is truly the one in control and MUST be able to stop at any time if they feel they are in emanate danger and the Dom MUST respect this for the trust to be maintained and this includes discussion as to why it went that way without fear of repercussion for a legitimate concern for personal safety.
         
          There are many "dangerous" elements to the BDSM scene, everything from beatings, spankings, being tied/chained up, even rape fantasy to needle, blood and knife play and everything in between. Remember, even if you have done it 100 times before, something might happen to cause it to be "off ". And once it doesn't feel right and the flag is waved it has to stop to determine where it went wrong. As a Dom if you think this is a foreign concept then, in my opinion, you might be in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons, I know use, abuse and degradation are the words of Domination, but that Sub has chosen you to serve and to allow you to do those things and as such if you want to keep them in your life, I say respect their personal safety.

The very foundation of this life we live and practice or play is SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL.  And that my friends, means always taking care of your toys.

Thank you for listening to my rant, and I will leave you with a stay kinky my friends.

~DT