Protocols, or the lack thereof

Ever since Die_tryin and I started down the course of this Master/slave life we have said that once this or that happens things will change and we'll be able to get on track to where we want to be.

When we started out together we were both living with other people, 1600 some miles away from each other. First, we said things would change when his EX was out of the house, but I was still with my EX so that put a damper on things as well. Once I moved out we thought things would get a little better, and I'm sure they did. But all in all, there wasn't much change. We were still 1600 miles away, and both of us were working. There were a couple little things that we did, nightly tuck-ins, and morning wake up calls just to name a couple. Finally, Die_tryin moved out to be with me; this was it, we were going to be able to move forward right??? right?? Wrong. DT didn't live with me, he had his own apartment and spent nights there. It was worse than having him across the country. We continued with our good nights and our wake-ups. I brought him dinner most nights, and when I worked at night he would cook for me. Again, we both said that things would get better when we were together full time. Now, here we are. DT has his apartment still although the last time he spent the night there was months ago. The last time he was there for more than a few minutes was still WEEKS ago. So, why do I still feel like something is missing?

We have no direction. No protocols, no expectations, I'm his sub, his slave, his wife in all but name. And still, I feel like all I am missing something. The good nights have slipped to the sidelines, the wake ups are there in a different way. I make his plate at dinner, but other than that.....

So now, I'm off and running reading and researching protocol. Maybe we'll stumble upon something that sends us in the right direction. I can only hope that we can pull ourselves out of this slump soon.

Humbled....

It was set to be a fantastic weekend, the 3 girls would be at my ex-in-laws for the annual Christmas cookie and candy making. Which meant that DT and I would have the house to ourselves. Sure I had to work Sunday, but the rest of the weekend would be ours. Until I found out that my son would be with us Saturday. I love my son, and I'm very glad to see him. Even when playtime gets interrupted.

We had a great morning, sleeping in, followed by an hour of rough and tumble play. Spanking, flogging, screaming, orgasms. It was intense, we knew it was going to be short. The whole time, he was filling my ears with the growling promises of this and that after my son left. Between the intense fucking and the beating I had just taken, I was on the edge of subspace, fighting not to slip over the edge. I knew once I was gone I would be in no condition to get up, shower and deal with my attention-seeking son when he arrived. We cuddled a few minutes while my heart stopped racing and then headed to the shower. A quick stop at the mirror showed a rosy red ass and some incredible bite marks on my back and shoulders. Reminders I would carry with me all day.






My son arrived and we were off and running errands for the business, as well as a little last-minute Christmas shopping for the girls. The day was good, quality time with the boy child, good food, and lots of laughter. Honestly, it ended too soon. But that is another story for another day.

After he left, DT and I ran out to rent a movie, and grab some snacks. After our big lunch, we knew we weren't going to need much. The movie was good, had a bit of an S/m storyline that neither one of us realized when we rented it. I had been in a very high state of arousal all day, waiting for the promised evening....wax, beatings, floggings, spanking, pussy breaking sex, and a flight into subspace I'd never forget. He promised.....

DT doesn't make promises lightly, even for little things, if he isn't going to keep a promise, he won't make it. So, when he gives me his word, it's good as gold. )I say that on the heels of his trip to California, where he did break a promise. Something very petty to most, but to me devastating. It was important that we have our nightly tuck in, we always have, and many many times he made me promise not to go to bed without it when we are together much less separated.)Anyway back to the topic at hand. He promised I would get what I needed to pull myself back together again.

Things started out well. A little slut on the bed, the crop, and flogger playing with her flesh. Front and back, anywhere he could make the leather land it did. The paddle came out, oh how I hate the paddle. He spanked me, it hurt...but I needed it, wanted it, ached for more. The wand came out and he would get me to the brink, pull it away and then start in with the beating again. I was in slave heaven. Every impact of the leather brought me closer to the brink, the place I needed to be. Then he decided it was time to fuck me. Now I'll admit I was a little disappointed I thought he was going to push me farther, but hey I love the man, and I love his cock so I was NOT about to resist. I took it, and I loved it. We fucked this way and that, hard, tender, oh so good. When he came, we came together.....and then we curled up on the bed in each other's arms and enjoyed the quiet. The us time. I could tell it was over, he was done with me for the night. And then the hurt rolled in. I tried everything to relax and just accept it. Isn't it his prerogative to change his mind? To give and take what he wants when he wants. If I'm going to subspace its because he deems its time. It isn't my decision to make. So, I tried...really I tried.

He got up and turned out the light, talking to me softly, saying it was time to go to sleep. And I slipped, I had been so high all day, that when I dropped I dropped hard. I felt rejected, I felt lied to, I felt let down, I was broken, and I was on a severe sub-drop. I fought like hell not to cry, not to let him know that I was so hurt. But he knows me well, and so he drug it out of me. All I could say was...

Don't ever make a promise to me again.

To which he answered, did it have to be over?

Did it have to be over?

Of course, it was over, my headspace was screwed by now, I could no more get to sub-space than I could grow wings and fly. I called him out, I know not a very subby thing to do. I told him it had to be over, that he had given off every indication it was over. That he was done. He told me no, he wasn't done....and I told him not to lie to me. Of course, he said he wasn't lying, but even I know he was. He didn't do it to hurt me, he didn't do it to be dishonest...he did it to protect me from himself. He did it to try and fix what he had just broken. I see that I saw it then, but all I wanted at that moment, was to be left alone. Don't touch me, don't comfort me, just let me cry. I told him that, and he said. "You know that's not my nature" And I do know it. I know that it's his nature to calm and soothe me when I'm hurt. So, I let him. And it felt so good. But now, I find myself still in a constant state of drop. Disappointed, and frankly not in the mood to do much of anything. I don't know how to bring myself out of it either.

I'm just broken...

Today is another day...

I'm tired....so very very tired. Another night alone in bed, cold, unable to sleep, tossing and turning all night looking for the one thing that would help me sleep. The warmth of his body next to mine - I hurt deeply, and he wasn't there to heal me.

We had a promise to never got to bed without our nightly tuck-in, in person or on the phone. It was my promise to him and his promise to me. Yet last night I didn't get that tuck in....and it hurt. It's our protocol, its what makes us who we are. And it didn't happen. I had to get up at 3 am to be ready for work. A good co-worker called me to make sure I was up, and shortly after DT called to wake me up. He explained that he had talked to his EX and she was supportive. She's moved on long ago and seems happy for him.

I spent the day at work, working feverishly to get caught up and get everything done. Its been a hell of a couple weeks at the store and I feel like I'm always moving backward. It's not even 7 and honestly, after all, I've gone through recently, I'm ready for bed. But I know....with every cell in my body...I won't sleep.

Frustrated and floundering....

So, I had this title all picked out, and topic to go with it when Die_tryin left yesterday. Then I had a very rough night and a worse morning. So, the topic I had in mind has slipped away for now. However, the title still fits ......


DT and I do not do well when we are apart. Which is really kind of funny, when you consider the first year of our relationship was long distance. After his EX moved back to her parents our communication time became pretty much unrestricted. Sure we both had to sleep, and when I was at work we were restricted some. But even then if and when I needed him I could always call or text and he would be right there for me. The one exception to that time was just about the undoing of the two of us. That was when he went to his Ex's parents' house for Christmas and his daughter's birthday. It was a rough time, and at one point I was honestly ready to just walk away from him and what we have. I was hurt and I didn't see anything beyond that hurt.

Here we are, almost a year later, and again we are apart. AND our communication is being restricted again. I had a long day yesterday, I was up early, got the kids off to school, ran some errands with DT to get ready for his trip, was fucked quite thoroughly, had a quick shower with DT and then drove 3.5 hours to the airport. We got there, just as his flight was scheduled to take off. Yeah, bad planning on our part (ok, ok, ok we got lost) I blame myself for us being late. It was my job to make sure we knew where we were going, and ensuring we left in plenty of time to get there. I failed, I let him down, and I began to question myself as a sub. But by some miracle, his flight was delayed 3 hours, oh yes it was. Which made me feel so much better. They did, however, have to get him onto a different connecting flight as he would be 2 hours late for that. Not our fault so the airline took care of him. WHEW. That still didn't help my upset over being late to start with. The return trip was a bit longer as I stopped and did a little pet shopping. I got home at 7:30, he landed 30 minutes later. We talked as long as we could before he had to board his next flight. I made him promise to call and wake me up when he got to Sacramento. I'm happy to say he did, as well as calling me when he got to his 1st EX wife's house safe and sound.

That made for a very long day. I'm exhausted, after yesterday, and then, of course, the lack of good sleep without DT in bed with me last night made for one tired Babydoll. A tired, insecure sub, who can't talk to her Dom is a very bad combination. In that state, I am a hypersensitive mess. I got the text message at work that he was clear for a phone call, so I called...no answer voicemail. He called right back, a quick talk because I was on break and had to get back to work. I told him I loved him, and he said...under his breath....me too. It ripped my heart out. Sure his daughter was right there, so what my kids know and love him. He has been just about living with us for the last several months. Everyone in my life knows about him, and our relationship. For months he's been saying he told them, so why the hush hush...why not tell me he loves me? I sent him a text, all it said was "That hurt". Its all I could say without crying. And trust me as a department manager the last thing you want to do at work is cry.

An hour later I got a message that said he had told the kids all about us and that they were happy for him. It didn't help, I was still hurt. Hell, its been 10 hours and I'm still hurt. I've talked to him twice now. In fact, I've talked to both his kids as well....they ASKED to talk to me. Brief conversations, very superficial, but we all laughed and it was a step in the right direction. Sadly, that hasn't helped me.

Now, I'm sitting here, getting ready for bed and all I can do is fight back the tears. Why? He promised me a tuck in phone call, and now he's not available. This just sucks....he promised. This means a lot to me, and I can't help but feel let down.

Here we've come full circle, I let him down, now I've been let down. It was not intentional, it just happened this way. That doesn't change it. I've been spoiled, and now I'm pouting.

I just miss him......

oh my.....wed play day

We bought these, ok not exactly but something like them, at the farm and ranch store while out running around over the weekend.




And of course, we had ordered one of these. Which just happened to arrive as we were getting ready to play.



Add one of these, because well, let's face it I'm a massive squirter.





Last but not least he pulled out this.






What more could a girl want? To be stripped naked, hands tied up and flogged, violated with a wand, and fucked into oblivion.

It started out with me stripping down and laying out on the bed, my skin itching to be abused. Now, I'll admit I was a bit hesitant about this flogger. We have another one, cheaply made with stiff scratchy falls. I don't like it. And because of that I know he doesn't like it.

He taunted me with the flogger, building up the speed and intensity. Followed intermittently with wand breaks, bringing me just to the edge and then pulling back. Returning to the flogger, and a few firmly placed swats on the ass with his hand. ohhh, yes I was in sub heaven.

Then, when I had had enough he fucked me....held me down and had his way with me. Repeatedly....but it was when he rolled me over, face down taking me from behind that I let go and drifted off into sub-space. I remember vaguely the impact of the flogger, the slap of his hand, and the wand being pressed between my legs until my body just would not stay still any longer, my legs clamped hard against the vibrating head, and I came endlessly, still flying he rolled me back over and rammed his cock into me. Over and over again, keeping me on the verge of the most intense orgasm. Until he blew his load inside me.

As I came back to reality I was struck once again by how much I need this....him. This life, this thing we do.....

How to find myself

Recently I have read several submissive bloggers who are struggling with their service and submission outside the bedroom. These blogs drew my attention because frankly, I find myself struggling with this myself. I am a submissive woman, I am a slave at heart. But I am also a mother at home, a manager at work, and a small business owner to boot.

How can I be all these people, the leader, the mentor, the boss...and still be his owned property? What things can I do to continue to serve him, and not feel that I am putting aside who I really am? How do you balance strength and submission?

I've struggled so deeply with this, that I've come to question my own submission. And that kind of internal battle is one I don't bode well it. It's chaotic, and distracting from the rest of my days. Perhaps its because I feel that I'm going it alone. DT doesn't have the same conflicts. No one at work knows who or what I am outside of work. My friends don't know about my lifestyle choices, so here I sit and I search the internet. What do I come up with? The same thoughts, people saying they can't be submissive outside the bedroom because of life. That can't be the answer, there has to be a way.

For now, I just continue to move forward in the bedroom. Waiting patiently for Wed when we have the day alone and we are able to be Master and slave. I know this isn't the end all be all, I know there is a way to balance submission with day to day life. And I am determined to find it.

Wed play time

He tied me to the desk...

a big double desk, circa 1950. Facedown, arms over my head legs spread wide, standing on my toes, vulnerable. And I needed it.

Moreover, I wanted it...I couldn't get enough.

When he pulled out the flogger, I felt a tingle start, when he went to the belt I was on fire. He used me, and there was nothing I could do about it. He humiliated me, I ached for more, and I got it. I got it until I couldn't take any more.

Then we stopped to eat. I love to cook for him, it pleases me to know that he loves my cooking. But enough with that, we were back to the desk. Where once more he tied me down, and proceeded to use me again, and again, face down, face up. With his hands, his cock, with the rabbit, with the Hitachi...oh yes, it was amazing.

And I can't wait for it to happen again.

Finding myself...

Its been a long road for me. Getting out of a bad marriage, setting myself up in a home with my kids, finding a job that would help me support the kids. Not to mention exploring my submission and growing in my D/s life with Die_tryin.

It started with a job. That was the biggest mistake my EX ever made. He demanded that I get a job, that I start contributing to the running of the household. His plan, to get more money coming into the household bills and expenses so that HE had more money to do the things he wanted to do. Things he wanted to put in his truck so that life on the road was more fun...a bigger laptop, a bigger TV, a better XM radio. Light covers for the marker lights on his truck, chrome trim, and personalized mud flaps. You know, all the things that make life easier. Who cared that the roof leaked on the house, that the carpet was threadbare, the kitchen floor was coming up, the front entryway had no carpet no tile, nothing just the plywood sub-floor. The furnace didn't work and we only had a space heater to keep warm. Did I mention we lived out of a dorm size fridge, 21 miles from town, AND a stove that could only be lit by a lighter because all the electric ignitors had gone out? Oh, and of course there was the hole in the foundation big enough for a cat to come in and out of the basement.

So, I got a job, and I started buying groceries, you know those things that we HAD to have to survive. At that point, he said that he wouldn't buy food for us anymore. It was all on me. I was working part-time, retail, minimum wage, 51 miles from home. I was lucky the weeks I DID have enough to buy food and gas for work. There was no way for me to save up money to fix the things the house needed. Thus no money for me to save, to get me and the kids out of that hell hole we called a house.

You see, up until that point I had given up. On life, on love, on living...I stopped cleaning, I stopped everything. I could show you pictures that would horrify you, you'd ask how anyone could live like that, how anyone could let themselves fall into such a low place in their life. I look at it now and I'm horrified myself. I didn't care anymore. I was told I was worthless, I didn't do anything right, I didn't deserve the slightest positive. Not even a nice start, keep up the good work. I'm ashamed of the life I gave my children, the way I let them down. I could say that it was his fault that my EX beat me down so horribly that it was his fault that I gave up. But that is making myself the victim, and I hate that feeling. So, I say that I made the choice to react that way. I made the call, I did it, and I'm the only one that can fix it.

But how when you've been convinced for years that you can't do anything right...ever.

Well, for me. I got that job. And I busted my ass at it for 10 months. I got a lot of praise at work from the manager of my department and the store as a whole. I got my confidence back, I got the belief that I was worth something and I ran with it. I knew that job was a go-nowhere bare bones get my feet in the door position. I also knew that the company had nothing to offer me past 17 hours a week minimum wage. But, I worked with great people, I worked hard, and I had a bond with my boss that drove me to do better than her, in return spurring her on to do better. We were an awesome team. I miss her.

I started looking for something with more potential, something that would help me support my kids comfortably. There was one business I wanted into, but the turn over rate there is minimal. They lose one employee ever 2 - 3 years as a whole. Sure they have some seasonal people that work for them, but they tend to come back year after year. Then one day I walked in and saw they were hiring. Long story short I started working for them in late June. I was truly at the bottom, bagging groceries and carrying them out. But it was a job, and it was more hours. Sure it was minimum wage, but the potential to move up is well... let's just say the sky is my limit. The hours were good, resort-type traffic is heavy during the summer so I was always there 40 plus hours. And again, I worked with a great group of people...a group that made me feel welcome, and in no time flat, they began encouraging me to spread my wings.

Which I did, I have always believed that having a diverse and varied set of abilities makes you that much more likely to get hours in this type of field. So, I volunteered to do it all, stocking, checking, frozen, bread, dairy. You name it I would do it. And I was good at it, I heard it often, how quickly I picked up on things, how hard I worked. It fueled me on....and here I am, just three months into this job, and I've been promoted to the department manager. It's more than I ever could have hoped for. Its more money, full time, and yes... it's rewarding. Not only on a personal level but a professional one.

I am important, to my children, to the man I love, to the place I work....and most of all to myself.

missing this...

I've really been missing the blogging world, it has been forever since I've been able to blog on a regular basis. And I know I've said we are back before, only to vanish again. So, I won't say we are back...yet.

I have several posts I want to get done...1 about his ex, 1 about my ex, 1 about the move, and a couple about our relationship, our M/s dynamic, sub drop, and anal sex. I know lofty hopes for me right now, but I'm really hoping I can get them done. I don't work until this afternoon, and then, of course, I'm off the next two days. So everyone keep your fingers crossed. OH, and I want to get a picture of some bite marks for HNT.

Since I have so much running around in my head I'll give a little update for those who haven't heard.

Die_Tryin has left the east coast to join me in the Midwest. We bought an albatross of a trailer that caused us nothing but headaches. He loaded up and headed this way and something just wasn't right, so he had to re-position the load, nope, still not right. Got a new hitch set up and he was good to roll. Or so we thought, 160 some miles later he blows a tire it's after 10pm, AAA won't help him because it's his trailer, not his car. I find him a place to help, and a hotel room from 1600 miles away, and we're settled for the night.

The next morning he has to find a new tire...or two, or four. Again, 1600 miles away I found him a place to get tires. Tires changed the load is really too heavy, so he offloads a bunch of stuff at goodwill and tries again. Can you believe it, there was still something wrong. Oh yes, when the tire blew the night before, the AXLE bent!!!! UGH! So, the trailer gets dumped in PA, and he ends up renting a Penske to get here. A day late, but he was here...in our home, with me. And we couldn't have been happier!

Just needing a release

Enough of this emotional down in the dumps crap! I'm tired of feeling this way, and tired of feeling like this thing between DT and I will never happen. Now, that's not to say I'm over that feeling because I'm not. I'm drowning right now, but this thought keeps coming to mind and I need to get it out! A release!!

We walk in the room, there's a dim light from the other side, music is playing from the desk. Before I can appraise the rest of the room, he presses me against the door, his strong hands at my shoulders, sliding down my arms taking my hands as he leans in to kiss me. As his lips open and his tongue begins its possessive dance with mine he draws my arms up over my head taking both wrists in his one large hand holding me there at his mercy. It was then that I noticed the handcuffs running through an eye bolt in the door above my head. He gave a little chuckle as he nipped at my lower lip.

My hands were shaking as he pulled me up to secure my wrists in the silver cuffs, leaving me standing with my heels just off the ground balancing on my toes. He softly slid his fingertips down my arms grinning in satisfaction as goosebumps popped up under his touch. He leaned in again kissing me, claiming me in a way that only he can.

Psycho much??

So, DTs old phone was finally shut off. One less bill to pay. But oops, we hadn't gotten around to letting his ex-wife know the new number just yet. Honestly, it has been very peaceful not to have her call or text every day just to harp at him about money.

Well, the problem is she's a tad psychotic. You all know that DT and I have been together for almost 2 years now. He told her it was over shortly into our relationship. They separated 20 months ago!! But as recently as last week, she was still saying things like this...

"I know so much has happened, but in my soul, I know God didn't bring us together just for us to end so quickly. I pray with all my heart that I get a job again and move out of my parent's house. I want to give my kids a place of their own to run and play. I want to give my husband a place to come home to."

and...

" The relationship he thought he had with his Internet lover hasn't turned out the way he wanted."

and...


"I spoke vows to God to love this man forever. I take them very seriously. I've changed so much since all of this has happened. I've grown and I've learned. My husband is so far away from God. But I still pray every day for him. I pray that God will hold him in His hand and give my DH the love he is so desperately seeking. I pray that God will help my husband come home. I pray that God will give me the strength to hold my husband up and give him the time he needs.

OK... that's it. My tale. But I really wonder if my husband knows how very much he is loved. How very much I want to work through all of our problems. I wonder if he knows?"


Follow this by the message that she left me last night...

"Please tell my husband to call his wife."
"While contacting you is extremely difficult and not something I want to do. I am asking you to ask DT to call me. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I'm worried about him.
That is all I'm saying. He is my husband and we have two little children together. I love him very much, no matter what you do.
So I'm asking you to find some compassion and have him call me.
Thank you,"

Now, honestly, I was on my way to bed when she sent that last night. She had no way to know if I was online or not. So, I didn't answer her. DT agreed to wait until today. Well, that was a bad call. She called the local Police Department today. Now I'm sure this got a good laugh over at the PD and County. After all, DT does work part-time for the County, in fact, he was at work when the call came in. She wanted the PD to do a wellness check.


Really? He is a 40-year-old man, in perfectly good health. Why in the world would she think he needed a wellness check? I never did reply to her on Facebook. At his request, I do have a reply ready to send once he is able to read it.

I have to wonder just how long she is going to hold on to this fight? She knows that he wants a divorce, there are a couple things that have to be taken care of first, the first of which will be finished tonight. I have this fear that 25 years from now, DT and I will be happily married, enjoying a long life together and she is still going to be calling me his whore, and telling people that she's sure he'll come home to her.

Broken...

Lesson learned....knowing my anatomy, and his anatomy, we both know that I always need a slow start or I'm gonna be hurt. But let me tell you when its been 5 months apart we threw caution to the wind and broke my poor pussy on night one of our trip.

Did I mention, it didn't slow us down until Monday when I had to go home. LOL

More details to come about the trip, our firsts and the kink that we enjoyed together.

T-minus 5 days

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SIr Sunday

From My Soapbox in the corner of the Internet...

Sir Sunday

It's been a long time...........


Hello all and welcome back to Sir Sundays.

As most of our regular readers have noticed HBD and I have been more than a little absent for a long stretch of time.
Well I am here to say we are back and stronger than ever, still working through the "evolution" of our relationship and even our D/s dynamic. We had come to a point where we were both feeling a bit "stalled" ... still madly in love with one another but we were not sure how to address our future... HBD had eluded to a change in her and that we had talked it out. I am glad to say I am proud of My Babydoll, the conversation was hard for her and she showed great courage. We have discussed and adjusted our path.
Not many of you know this as I don't recall it ever being in our blog before, the "official" anniversary of HBD becoming my Submissive is 5-9-09 and yes we are nearing it. Our official commitment which was blogged about is 7-22-09, and that brings me to one more date 4-13-10. That is the date HBD was Registered in the SLRN as an Owned and collared slave of Sir Die Tryin and in doing so she has become my slave. This has changed our dynamic in a direction that almost a year ago we had not seen but now openly embrace. HBD is still working on the transition mentally and we both realized when we first started talking and our relationship started we were both novices to the lifestyle, we had read a lot about it and had a lot of pre-conceived ideas and concepts about lifestyle that we have grown past or changed our minds on through the last year.
We will continue to grow in our path and enjoy each other learning as we go. And I have some really exciting news..... HBD is coming to me again for a quick visit and for those of you keeping score it has been since Dec 2 last year since we have touched one another.
She will be in my arms and my bonds in little less than 2 weeks. We are going to have an official collaring ...and of course lots of NSFW fun for us.... stay tuned loyal readers

~DT

And we talked....

It was a long talk, full of fear and hesitation. I knew what I had to tell DT was big for us. It had the potential to make us better, or completely destroy us. That I couldn't handle, if I did something to harm my relationship with DT then I would never be able to forgive myself.

Thankfully I can say that he took it in great stride. And we are going to be just fine.

Now.....on with our journey.

Who am I....what am I?

Things in my life are so muddled and chaotic right now. I feel like my world has slipped off its axis, and is now hurtling itself off into the galaxy....what scares me the most about this. Is that I have NO control whatsoever on where I go or where I land. It strikes me as odd, how I have to have this control over everything. But when it comes down to it, I would gladly relinquish it all over to DT.

I've had to take time to just stop and think about all of this, and I'm in full-on denial about many things. So, I let the things I can think about come in, let them distract me. It has been refreshing at times and disturbing at others. One thing though is that I come out feeling like I know me just a little bit better. And I realize that I'm changing....still.

Those changes scare me. I'm always afraid that I will change so much that I am not the woman DT fell in love with. That we will not grow together. Some of the changes I've already seen he has been fine with. He embraced them, hell he saw it in me before I did and says it's not a change at all, it's just the real me coming out. And this again is a change that I feel is the real me coming out. But one I don't think he's seen, and one I'm afraid he will not embrace so readily.

These are the things I want with him...

I'm having a rough time...with my life, with my submission, with my hope.

So, I've been thinking that I need to put together a list, of all the things that I have to look forward to when we are together.

I want to...
1. Be there when he comes home. With a smile on my face, take his coat, take his shoes, give him a drink and spend the evening with him.

2. Cook dinner for him, fill his plate, sit down at the table and enjoy his company. Listen to him talk about his day, sharing every up and down.

3. Sit on the couch and watch TV after the kids have gone to bed. Kissing, and holding, loving each other.

4. Sit at his feet while he's working on the computer, his hand on my head, stroking my head.

5. Going to bed together, curling up together, just feeling the touch of his skin against mine, his arms around me holding me...protecting me.

6. Waking up to his kisses, not to mention the morning sex.

7. Holding hands as we walk through the store, giggling and laughing while we buy groceries, chit-chatting and laughing as we people watch and window shop at the mall.

8. Bring him tools, and beverages as needed when he's working on the car, in the yard, around the house.

9. Going to the zoo, museums, movies with my kids. Just being a family.

10. Really talk to him, looking him in the eyes, seeing in his soul while we share our hopes, dreams, wants, and desires.

Been too long... and HNT

I started this blog for my Sir Die_Tryin. As a way to document our journey together, the ups, the downs, and everything in between. I've been horribly remiss in keeping up with it. The thing is, I have had such a rough and ugly time recently that I don't want to be one of THOSE blogs that everyone avoids because it's always about the struggle. But isn't that doing him an injustice? So I'm posting today, and hoping that you all stop by again and keep me motivated to tell our story.

Because I love this man, and I want to do right by him....and you my followers.


- HBD

oh did I mention its HNT!!!






don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

HNT - His

So, I'm back for HNT of course, LOL, I had to take a few days to try and work on my relationship with DT. I'm happy to say that we are still together and that we are still working on US. Our plans have not changed, we will be together, but we now see some things in ourselves and each other that we need to work on. I have so much to write about the next few days...you'll all get tired of hearing from me. LOL

Now...on to the HNT ness......






don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

Sir Sunday

Sir Sunday,

Accounting for my Sins against HBD




As you all have read I have wronged the most important person in my world, the one who loves me completely and with every fiber of her being. I have damaged possibly beyond repair the most important aspect of our relationship, trust. I did this by promising, in a cowardly moment to do one thing, knowing for selfish reasons that I was not ready to follow through. In short, I lied. There is no excuse for this behavior and any explanation past “I lied” is a weak excuse, so I am not going to make any other than I lied plain and simple.

The last 10 days have been particularly rough on both of us due to the holidays and visitation of the FX’s. I knew things were bad, but until a few nights ago I didn’t truly know. HBD was ready to call it quits, she has been wounded deeply, and I know I am the cause.

Do I wish I had done things differently? Yes. Do I hope we can go forward? Yes. Do I think HBD is justified in being cautious in regards to my word? Yes.

As you have no doubt read in the post yesterday, HBD has at this point and against her fear, has given me another chance; I know this is based on her love for me. But I also know this is the start of a long cautious journey to return to where we once were. I have completely destroyed the trust of her Brat and even hurt her desire to submit. While these are a part of who we were, and until they return (if they return ever) will be missed they are not solely what define us or our relationship, HBD is my friend, my confidant, my partner, my lover, my sub, my brat, and in my heart my wife. As you can see by that list there is more to us.

HBD, while I know you have no reason to believe me past face value at this moment in our lives, I am making this vow to you, I have the patience to go the distance, I can’t think of a better partner than you for a long journey. I have never stopped loving you and will love you until I breathe my last breath. I treasure you and the gifts you have given me and I will diligently work to earn them back and keep them.

My dearest Brat, while I know you are in deep hiding and may never choose to trust me enough to come out to play, or even to give me a spirited “you can’t catch me, old man”.

I need to speak to you if you will listen. My dearest Brat, you showed yourself to me and we were just getting started, you were in the early stage of trusting me and I betrayed you. I am hoping with time, love and patience you might come back. I also was told to tell you, your friend the animal misses you.

~DT

Picking up the pieces.

From the beginning, DT and I have said one thing for our relationship. Without open and honest as our foundation there would be no us. The bond we have is, amazingly strong in part because we are so open, there are no secrets and no need for them. Yes sometimes, things are exposed raw and ugly. But we look at them with love and know that there is nothing that we can't love each other through...as long as we have open and honest.

Honesty...something I have struggled hard with in the past. I've been married twice now, and both of them were full of lies and secrets. Now, in my current situation, I try to excuse the lies by saying they are to protect myself. In a sense I guess that is true, my FX is a time bomb just waiting to explode. He has even told me (as recently as Christmas Day) to leave the room because I've made him so mad he only wants to hurt me. And yes, he means physically.

With DT it has been different, he was my friend long before there was anything between us. So, being honest with him, confiding in him...trusting him was easy. He gave me honest feedback and helped me to improve myself as a person. Finding the inner me that was beaten down by two horrid men. But that trust was shattered this week when I found out that he has lied to me...on several occasions about his intent to do something. Something he knew meant everything to me...the next step in bringing us together so to speak.

I've cried and screamed over the last few days, feeling myself fall apart. Wondering what else was a lie, did he ever intend for us to be together, and could I give him the chance to right his wrongs that he pleaded for? As a woman I was hurt...as a sub I was crushed, my submission to him was the biggest gift I could give. How can I trust him with my well being now? How do I know that he will have my best interest at heart? How do I move us forward?

Frankly, I don't know...perhaps it was a mistake but I've given him that chance. Sadly along with it, I fear that I have lost my brat and that my sub has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Only time will tell...


deep inside I long to submit to him, it's my purpose.......but fear and pain are winning.

Scared...

What do you do...when the person you trust the most in this world, lets you down in the worst of ways....when you need them the most?

That's the battle I'm fighting within myself right now.....