Finding myself...

Its been a long road for me. Getting out of a bad marriage, setting myself up in a home with my kids, finding a job that would help me support the kids. Not to mention exploring my submission and growing in my D/s life with Die_tryin.

It started with a job. That was the biggest mistake my EX ever made. He demanded that I get a job, that I start contributing to the running of the household. His plan, to get more money coming into the household bills and expenses so that HE had more money to do the things he wanted to do. Things he wanted to put in his truck so that life on the road was more fun...a bigger laptop, a bigger TV, a better XM radio. Light covers for the marker lights on his truck, chrome trim, and personalized mud flaps. You know, all the things that make life easier. Who cared that the roof leaked on the house, that the carpet was threadbare, the kitchen floor was coming up, the front entryway had no carpet no tile, nothing just the plywood sub-floor. The furnace didn't work and we only had a space heater to keep warm. Did I mention we lived out of a dorm size fridge, 21 miles from town, AND a stove that could only be lit by a lighter because all the electric ignitors had gone out? Oh, and of course there was the hole in the foundation big enough for a cat to come in and out of the basement.

So, I got a job, and I started buying groceries, you know those things that we HAD to have to survive. At that point, he said that he wouldn't buy food for us anymore. It was all on me. I was working part-time, retail, minimum wage, 51 miles from home. I was lucky the weeks I DID have enough to buy food and gas for work. There was no way for me to save up money to fix the things the house needed. Thus no money for me to save, to get me and the kids out of that hell hole we called a house.

You see, up until that point I had given up. On life, on love, on living...I stopped cleaning, I stopped everything. I could show you pictures that would horrify you, you'd ask how anyone could live like that, how anyone could let themselves fall into such a low place in their life. I look at it now and I'm horrified myself. I didn't care anymore. I was told I was worthless, I didn't do anything right, I didn't deserve the slightest positive. Not even a nice start, keep up the good work. I'm ashamed of the life I gave my children, the way I let them down. I could say that it was his fault that my EX beat me down so horribly that it was his fault that I gave up. But that is making myself the victim, and I hate that feeling. So, I say that I made the choice to react that way. I made the call, I did it, and I'm the only one that can fix it.

But how when you've been convinced for years that you can't do anything right...ever.

Well, for me. I got that job. And I busted my ass at it for 10 months. I got a lot of praise at work from the manager of my department and the store as a whole. I got my confidence back, I got the belief that I was worth something and I ran with it. I knew that job was a go-nowhere bare bones get my feet in the door position. I also knew that the company had nothing to offer me past 17 hours a week minimum wage. But, I worked with great people, I worked hard, and I had a bond with my boss that drove me to do better than her, in return spurring her on to do better. We were an awesome team. I miss her.

I started looking for something with more potential, something that would help me support my kids comfortably. There was one business I wanted into, but the turn over rate there is minimal. They lose one employee ever 2 - 3 years as a whole. Sure they have some seasonal people that work for them, but they tend to come back year after year. Then one day I walked in and saw they were hiring. Long story short I started working for them in late June. I was truly at the bottom, bagging groceries and carrying them out. But it was a job, and it was more hours. Sure it was minimum wage, but the potential to move up is well... let's just say the sky is my limit. The hours were good, resort-type traffic is heavy during the summer so I was always there 40 plus hours. And again, I worked with a great group of people...a group that made me feel welcome, and in no time flat, they began encouraging me to spread my wings.

Which I did, I have always believed that having a diverse and varied set of abilities makes you that much more likely to get hours in this type of field. So, I volunteered to do it all, stocking, checking, frozen, bread, dairy. You name it I would do it. And I was good at it, I heard it often, how quickly I picked up on things, how hard I worked. It fueled me on....and here I am, just three months into this job, and I've been promoted to the department manager. It's more than I ever could have hoped for. Its more money, full time, and yes... it's rewarding. Not only on a personal level but a professional one.

I am important, to my children, to the man I love, to the place I work....and most of all to myself.