What went wrong

I ask myself every day...what did I do to make him stop wanting me?
I should clarify that statement.  I know he wants me in his life, in his bed, and I know without a doubt that he loves me. But those things, I need to complete me, to be who I really am....he doesn't want them anymore.  Frankly,  I don't think he ever did.
So, now the question is......how do I move on and accept the fact that we are not and never will be what I need?  And when will it stop hurting?

Frustration

My apologies for such a long post, I just really needed to get this off my shoulders.

I have this personal limit, I know slaves shouldn't be allowed to have limits, but he allows me some. He has told me many times that this doesn't bother him, there is nothing about it that turns him off. But for some reason I just do not feel that I can do it....what is this big NO???

I cannot bring myself to have sex while Aunt Flo is visiting.

Silly you say, I know, I can't get past it. I've tried,...I just can't do it. That brings me to today. OUR day, no kids just us, we are allowed to be us. Lifestyle and all. Due to another medical condition, we had to take a few weeks off from sex and beatings while I healed. So today was THE DAY! I've built up to it, wanted it, thought about it constantly. I need it, I need it so badly I feel like I'm falling apart.

This is where it all starts, I've let myself build up an expectation for this moment. Something I've done to myself before. I build-up to this because I need it, and I've been told I will get it, and I understand it is his prerogative to not give it to me. I think I would understand this better if I knew that he was holding back to make a point, to teach a lesson, or to just prolong keeping me on edge. When I know that's not the case, then it hurts and it frustrates me. I feel let down, and hanging, unwanted, and of no consequence. I know that in his mind he thinks this is what I want because of Aunt Flo, but he's also told me many many times that just because of that it doesn't mean that he can't give me the pain and beating that I so deeply need. Just as many times as he's told me that it doesn't mean he can't tie me up. I need these things, and I need them from HIM.

Some would say....who cares what you need, you're a slave and your needs are not of concern. Yeah, well that's what I love about this lifestyle, everyone is free to make it what they want and need to feel complete.

That is just the start of my frustration, it goes deeper to something that has been eating at me recently. DT has always been able to read me. To sense what I need, and even 1600 miles away he was able to provide it. It's this strong connection that has always been a huge part of our relationship. And recently it seems he's not been able to read me as well. I don't know what I've done to cause this change. I have tried to step back and look at myself and how I may have changed. I know that I have been holding a lot recently, and maybe that's it. Maybe I am shielding myself too well, from the one person I need to be the most open with. Whatever it is I want it back, I don't want to live my life constantly having to tell him what I need. That goes against who I am.

When I get this way the Brat comes out, screaming for attention, begging for more than I can handle in that bratty, aggravating, frustrating way. Its that side of me that says any attention is better than no attention. That to make him mad at me in hopes of feeling the hurt I am aching for. No, I don't think I could ever make him mad enough to hit me in anger...That is just NOT in him...Thankfully! But maybe I could get him upset enough to discipline or punish me. Anything. Nope, doesn't happen, he warns me that one day she's going to write a check my ass can't cash. Yet, it just doesn't work that way. That is one of the things I love about him, he will NEVER, EVER, react in anger.

Looking at it I suspect that this is why I've started holding things in. Hoping he will force me to talk about it. He'll tell you that he can't make me talk if I don't want to. That when I shut down its best to just give me my space. This is partially true, but there are keys to make me talk. No matter how hard I try not to.


All of this frustration came to a head today. We had planned on how the day would go. He's been telling me for a week that today would be the day I got what I needed, he's built it up in me and had me on edge so many times I was ready to snap inside. We put off sex last night because we had today planned and wanted to keep the edge. The plan was to go out for coffee this morning, come home and have a play session. To give me what I needed to center and regain my focus.

Back up a few days, the brat came out and got him to fuck me, it was incredible. But it left me wanting and that want made me cry. Because I realize just how much this man loves me, how much I need him, and how I felt I had let him down. He gave me a writing assignment because the brat came out pretty hard. Unfortunately, that writing assignment left me feeling even less worthy of this incredible man.

We talked about the paper I wrote for him and he said we'd change things up for today that we would have our coffee, come home and have a deep heart to heart (something we've both said we need for WEEKS), then we'd have a play session.

Which brings us back to today...We had our coffee and a good visit with OUR friend the shop owner. We ran a couple errands and came home. Where I waited for instructions. DT, commented shortly after we got home that he was hungry. I took the hint, and asked what he would like, and then prepared his lunch, after all, he needs to be at his best before he beats my ass. An hour later he's still not given me any direction. I was at my breaking point and could feel the tears coming. So, I went to bed. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and shut down. I don't want to feel anymore. It was only a couple minutes before he came looking for me. I couldn't fight the tears, and he comforted me, we talked about how I was frustrated with the way the day went. I was hoping beyond all hope that he would pull out my friend the flogger, and make my flesh scream. But alas, it didn't happen. He talked about loving me, how much I mean to him, and how he hated to see me like this. Things I needed to hear, things that I love to hear, and he meant them. I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. It makes me love him all the more. He assured me that we'd come back to this talk about my frustration when we were done with our shower. The shower was...AMAZING as always. Nothing sexual, just us, touching feeling laughing and being together. I do so love showering with this man. Washing his hair, soaping his body.....mmmm, its decadent.

However, you guessed it. There was no talk after the shower. An hour or so goes by and its time to go get the girls from school. That's when DT realizes that I didn't have my collar on yet, it had been taken off for our shower and not put back on when we finished. It was laying on the bed where I left it planning to come back to it and our talk. He tried to get me to go get it, but the Brat rebelled and cried out for attention. Sadly my perceived lack of interest in getting or desire to wear my collar hurt DT, which he was not afraid to tell me. Which again brought the tears to my eyes...I have NO NO NO NO NO desire whatsoever to make this man hurt in any way. The funny thing about this conversation is that he stood in front of me with his arms on my shoulders, pulling my hair. In my mind it was his way of putting me in my place, making me feel that pain I've been asking for. I lifted my shoulders to relieve the pull and he commented on it, I dropped my shoulders and it pulled HARD. I thought he saw it, felt it, realized it was what I needed. He asked about my movements and I said I was trying to relieve a little of the pull, his reaction was to take my hair out from under his arms and take the hurt away. My mind started reeling, I saw it then at that moment. He didn't want to hurt me or cause me any discomfort. It confused me greatly. It still has me confused.




That's when he took me in his arms and told me that he needs me, and he went on to say sometimes he thinks he needs me more than I need him. Which cut me like a knife. Because I know in my heart of hearts that I need him more, that I would shut down and turn into the mess I was before he came into my life. I need nothing more than to have him in my life. I need him more than I need the pain, more than I need to submit, more than I need to serve and follow.











Through all of this, I'm broken-hearted, because I realize that deep down inside this is not a lifestyle that DT can live. As much as he wants to try, as much as he is turned on by it, he just does not have it in him to give me what I need. This leads me to believe that I have a choice to make...

It really isn't even a choice. I will not give up DT, I will give up my need to live this lifestyle. So that I can be happy with him. If I continue down this road to M/s then I will continue to be frustrated, hurt, and wanting. Because I expect certain things. So, there it is.....I'm turning in my collar, and my status as sub, slave, etc.

I'm tired....I'm sick.....

Yes, you could say I'm sick and tired....literally.

I'm not sleeping well, not only because of this killer sore throat, difficulty breathing, and fits of lung crushing coughing. But on top of all that my head is spinning, full of thoughts and troubles that keep me awake no matter how hard I try to shut them down.

The foundation of my life with DT is open and honest communication. There is nothing we can't say to each other even if it hurts, we know that anything said is said with love, and the desire to be a strong and constantly growing couple. Here's the thing, sometimes you can say something raw, open, honest, lay your heart on the ground.....and still find that nothing changes. But it's still an issue, unresolved, and it hurts. A hurt so bad that it crawls inside you and begins to eat away at the one thing that makes you ....you. The only way to make the hurt go away is to talk about it. To tell him again what hurts, and why it hurts, even when you know that it's not going to change. Which hurts worse?? Talking about it and being hurt by the one you love and trust the most, or holding in and letting it eat away at you?

Right now, I've decided to just let it eat away at me...I'd rather hurt myself than be hurt by him.

Now, if I could only sleep........

Frustrated and floundering....

So, I had this title all picked out, and topic to go with it when Die_tryin left yesterday. Then I had a very rough night and a worse morning. So, the topic I had in mind has slipped away for now. However, the title still fits ......


DT and I do not do well when we are apart. Which is really kind of funny, when you consider the first year of our relationship was long distance. After his EX moved back to her parents our communication time became pretty much unrestricted. Sure we both had to sleep, and when I was at work we were restricted some. But even then if and when I needed him I could always call or text and he would be right there for me. The one exception to that time was just about the undoing of the two of us. That was when he went to his Ex's parents' house for Christmas and his daughter's birthday. It was a rough time, and at one point I was honestly ready to just walk away from him and what we have. I was hurt and I didn't see anything beyond that hurt.

Here we are, almost a year later, and again we are apart. AND our communication is being restricted again. I had a long day yesterday, I was up early, got the kids off to school, ran some errands with DT to get ready for his trip, was fucked quite thoroughly, had a quick shower with DT and then drove 3.5 hours to the airport. We got there, just as his flight was scheduled to take off. Yeah, bad planning on our part (ok, ok, ok we got lost) I blame myself for us being late. It was my job to make sure we knew where we were going, and ensuring we left in plenty of time to get there. I failed, I let him down, and I began to question myself as a sub. But by some miracle, his flight was delayed 3 hours, oh yes it was. Which made me feel so much better. They did, however, have to get him onto a different connecting flight as he would be 2 hours late for that. Not our fault so the airline took care of him. WHEW. That still didn't help my upset over being late to start with. The return trip was a bit longer as I stopped and did a little pet shopping. I got home at 7:30, he landed 30 minutes later. We talked as long as we could before he had to board his next flight. I made him promise to call and wake me up when he got to Sacramento. I'm happy to say he did, as well as calling me when he got to his 1st EX wife's house safe and sound.

That made for a very long day. I'm exhausted, after yesterday, and then, of course, the lack of good sleep without DT in bed with me last night made for one tired Babydoll. A tired, insecure sub, who can't talk to her Dom is a very bad combination. In that state, I am a hypersensitive mess. I got the text message at work that he was clear for a phone call, so I called...no answer voicemail. He called right back, a quick talk because I was on break and had to get back to work. I told him I loved him, and he said...under his breath....me too. It ripped my heart out. Sure his daughter was right there, so what my kids know and love him. He has been just about living with us for the last several months. Everyone in my life knows about him, and our relationship. For months he's been saying he told them, so why the hush hush...why not tell me he loves me? I sent him a text, all it said was "That hurt". Its all I could say without crying. And trust me as a department manager the last thing you want to do at work is cry.

An hour later I got a message that said he had told the kids all about us and that they were happy for him. It didn't help, I was still hurt. Hell, its been 10 hours and I'm still hurt. I've talked to him twice now. In fact, I've talked to both his kids as well....they ASKED to talk to me. Brief conversations, very superficial, but we all laughed and it was a step in the right direction. Sadly, that hasn't helped me.

Now, I'm sitting here, getting ready for bed and all I can do is fight back the tears. Why? He promised me a tuck in phone call, and now he's not available. This just sucks....he promised. This means a lot to me, and I can't help but feel let down.

Here we've come full circle, I let him down, now I've been let down. It was not intentional, it just happened this way. That doesn't change it. I've been spoiled, and now I'm pouting.

I just miss him......

Sir Sunday

Sir Sunday,

Accounting for my Sins against HBD




As you all have read I have wronged the most important person in my world, the one who loves me completely and with every fiber of her being. I have damaged possibly beyond repair the most important aspect of our relationship, trust. I did this by promising, in a cowardly moment to do one thing, knowing for selfish reasons that I was not ready to follow through. In short, I lied. There is no excuse for this behavior and any explanation past “I lied” is a weak excuse, so I am not going to make any other than I lied plain and simple.

The last 10 days have been particularly rough on both of us due to the holidays and visitation of the FX’s. I knew things were bad, but until a few nights ago I didn’t truly know. HBD was ready to call it quits, she has been wounded deeply, and I know I am the cause.

Do I wish I had done things differently? Yes. Do I hope we can go forward? Yes. Do I think HBD is justified in being cautious in regards to my word? Yes.

As you have no doubt read in the post yesterday, HBD has at this point and against her fear, has given me another chance; I know this is based on her love for me. But I also know this is the start of a long cautious journey to return to where we once were. I have completely destroyed the trust of her Brat and even hurt her desire to submit. While these are a part of who we were, and until they return (if they return ever) will be missed they are not solely what define us or our relationship, HBD is my friend, my confidant, my partner, my lover, my sub, my brat, and in my heart my wife. As you can see by that list there is more to us.

HBD, while I know you have no reason to believe me past face value at this moment in our lives, I am making this vow to you, I have the patience to go the distance, I can’t think of a better partner than you for a long journey. I have never stopped loving you and will love you until I breathe my last breath. I treasure you and the gifts you have given me and I will diligently work to earn them back and keep them.

My dearest Brat, while I know you are in deep hiding and may never choose to trust me enough to come out to play, or even to give me a spirited “you can’t catch me, old man”.

I need to speak to you if you will listen. My dearest Brat, you showed yourself to me and we were just getting started, you were in the early stage of trusting me and I betrayed you. I am hoping with time, love and patience you might come back. I also was told to tell you, your friend the animal misses you.

~DT

Picking up the pieces.

From the beginning, DT and I have said one thing for our relationship. Without open and honest as our foundation there would be no us. The bond we have is, amazingly strong in part because we are so open, there are no secrets and no need for them. Yes sometimes, things are exposed raw and ugly. But we look at them with love and know that there is nothing that we can't love each other through...as long as we have open and honest.

Honesty...something I have struggled hard with in the past. I've been married twice now, and both of them were full of lies and secrets. Now, in my current situation, I try to excuse the lies by saying they are to protect myself. In a sense I guess that is true, my FX is a time bomb just waiting to explode. He has even told me (as recently as Christmas Day) to leave the room because I've made him so mad he only wants to hurt me. And yes, he means physically.

With DT it has been different, he was my friend long before there was anything between us. So, being honest with him, confiding in him...trusting him was easy. He gave me honest feedback and helped me to improve myself as a person. Finding the inner me that was beaten down by two horrid men. But that trust was shattered this week when I found out that he has lied to me...on several occasions about his intent to do something. Something he knew meant everything to me...the next step in bringing us together so to speak.

I've cried and screamed over the last few days, feeling myself fall apart. Wondering what else was a lie, did he ever intend for us to be together, and could I give him the chance to right his wrongs that he pleaded for? As a woman I was hurt...as a sub I was crushed, my submission to him was the biggest gift I could give. How can I trust him with my well being now? How do I know that he will have my best interest at heart? How do I move us forward?

Frankly, I don't know...perhaps it was a mistake but I've given him that chance. Sadly along with it, I fear that I have lost my brat and that my sub has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Only time will tell...


deep inside I long to submit to him, it's my purpose.......but fear and pain are winning.

We interrupt this romance.....

To rip the rug right out from under my feet.

Let's go back, way back. About 6 - 8 months ago I was minding my own business at life. I was married, with kids, and just sleepwalking through life. I met this guy DT, he was married, and things seemed good for them. Things came and went and time went on, and as things happened we started to find that we had a LOT in common, more and more with each passing day.

There were things in the way, a virtual relationship with my virtual sister. A marriage for him, a marriage for me. Kids for us both. And over 1000 miles between us. We played and had fun, saying that if things were different, maybe....maybe.

Then the virtual relationship with my virtual sister fell apart, and we started to come closer and closer to each other. And then the day came that he asked me to be his sub. We designed a ring and we made a commitment to each other. It was then that things really started to grow and build between us. There was a 5-hour chat that brought us to some painful realities. But we grew stronger. And at some point, we realized that we HAD to be together. There was so much talk about when we could extract ourselves from our current situations. And that brings me to today...

His wife found out about me.

Now what? Well, I don't know......and have no idea when I will.