I have this personal limit, I know slaves shouldn't be allowed to have limits, but he allows me some. He has told me many times that this doesn't bother him, there is nothing about it that turns him off. But for some reason I just do not feel that I can do it....what is this big NO???
I cannot bring myself to have sex while Aunt Flo is visiting.
Silly you say, I know, I can't get past it. I've tried,...I just can't do it. That brings me to today. OUR day, no kids just us, we are allowed to be us. Lifestyle and all. Due to another medical condition, we had to take a few weeks off from sex and beatings while I healed. So today was THE DAY! I've built up to it, wanted it, thought about it constantly. I need it, I need it so badly I feel like I'm falling apart.
This is where it all starts, I've let myself build up an expectation for this moment. Something I've done to myself before. I build-up to this because I need it, and I've been told I will get it, and I understand it is his prerogative to not give it to me. I think I would understand this better if I knew that he was holding back to make a point, to teach a lesson, or to just prolong keeping me on edge. When I know that's not the case, then it hurts and it frustrates me. I feel let down, and hanging, unwanted, and of no consequence. I know that in his mind he thinks this is what I want because of Aunt Flo, but he's also told me many many times that just because of that it doesn't mean that he can't give me the pain and beating that I so deeply need. Just as many times as he's told me that it doesn't mean he can't tie me up. I need these things, and I need them from HIM.
Some would say....who cares what you need, you're a slave and your needs are not of concern. Yeah, well that's what I love about this lifestyle, everyone is free to make it what they want and need to feel complete.
That is just the start of my frustration, it goes deeper to something that has been eating at me recently. DT has always been able to read me. To sense what I need, and even 1600 miles away he was able to provide it. It's this strong connection that has always been a huge part of our relationship. And recently it seems he's not been able to read me as well. I don't know what I've done to cause this change. I have tried to step back and look at myself and how I may have changed. I know that I have been holding a lot recently, and maybe that's it. Maybe I am shielding myself too well, from the one person I need to be the most open with. Whatever it is I want it back, I don't want to live my life constantly having to tell him what I need. That goes against who I am.
When I get this way the Brat comes out, screaming for attention, begging for more than I can handle in that bratty, aggravating, frustrating way. Its that side of me that says any attention is better than no attention. That to make him mad at me in hopes of feeling the hurt I am aching for. No, I don't think I could ever make him mad enough to hit me in anger...That is just NOT in him...Thankfully! But maybe I could get him upset enough to discipline or punish me. Anything. Nope, doesn't happen, he warns me that one day she's going to write a check my ass can't cash. Yet, it just doesn't work that way. That is one of the things I love about him, he will NEVER, EVER, react in anger.
Looking at it I suspect that this is why I've started holding things in. Hoping he will force me to talk about it. He'll tell you that he can't make me talk if I don't want to. That when I shut down its best to just give me my space. This is partially true, but there are keys to make me talk. No matter how hard I try not to.
All of this frustration came to a head today. We had planned on how the day would go. He's been telling me for a week that today would be the day I got what I needed, he's built it up in me and had me on edge so many times I was ready to snap inside. We put off sex last night because we had today planned and wanted to keep the edge. The plan was to go out for coffee this morning, come home and have a play session. To give me what I needed to center and regain my focus.
Back up a few days, the brat came out and got him to fuck me, it was incredible. But it left me wanting and that want made me cry. Because I realize just how much this man loves me, how much I need him, and how I felt I had let him down. He gave me a writing assignment because the brat came out pretty hard. Unfortunately, that writing assignment left me feeling even less worthy of this incredible man.
We talked about the paper I wrote for him and he said we'd change things up for today that we would have our coffee, come home and have a deep heart to heart (something we've both said we need for WEEKS), then we'd have a play session.
Which brings us back to today...We had our coffee and a good visit with OUR friend the shop owner. We ran a couple errands and came home. Where I waited for instructions. DT, commented shortly after we got home that he was hungry. I took the hint, and asked what he would like, and then prepared his lunch, after all, he needs to be at his best before he beats my ass. An hour later he's still not given me any direction. I was at my breaking point and could feel the tears coming. So, I went to bed. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and shut down. I don't want to feel anymore. It was only a couple minutes before he came looking for me. I couldn't fight the tears, and he comforted me, we talked about how I was frustrated with the way the day went. I was hoping beyond all hope that he would pull out my friend the flogger, and make my flesh scream. But alas, it didn't happen. He talked about loving me, how much I mean to him, and how he hated to see me like this. Things I needed to hear, things that I love to hear, and he meant them. I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. It makes me love him all the more. He assured me that we'd come back to this talk about my frustration when we were done with our shower. The shower was...AMAZING as always. Nothing sexual, just us, touching feeling laughing and being together. I do so love showering with this man. Washing his hair, soaping his body.....mmmm, its decadent.
However, you guessed it. There was no talk after the shower. An hour or so goes by and its time to go get the girls from school. That's when DT realizes that I didn't have my collar on yet, it had been taken off for our shower and not put back on when we finished. It was laying on the bed where I left it planning to come back to it and our talk. He tried to get me to go get it, but the Brat rebelled and cried out for attention. Sadly my perceived lack of interest in getting or desire to wear my collar hurt DT, which he was not afraid to tell me. Which again brought the tears to my eyes...I have NO NO NO NO NO desire whatsoever to make this man hurt in any way. The funny thing about this conversation is that he stood in front of me with his arms on my shoulders, pulling my hair. In my mind it was his way of putting me in my place, making me feel that pain I've been asking for. I lifted my shoulders to relieve the pull and he commented on it, I dropped my shoulders and it pulled HARD. I thought he saw it, felt it, realized it was what I needed. He asked about my movements and I said I was trying to relieve a little of the pull, his reaction was to take my hair out from under his arms and take the hurt away. My mind started reeling, I saw it then at that moment. He didn't want to hurt me or cause me any discomfort. It confused me greatly. It still has me confused.
That's when he took me in his arms and told me that he needs me, and he went on to say sometimes he thinks he needs me more than I need him. Which cut me like a knife. Because I know in my heart of hearts that I need him more, that I would shut down and turn into the mess I was before he came into my life. I need nothing more than to have him in my life. I need him more than I need the pain, more than I need to submit, more than I need to serve and follow.
Through all of this, I'm broken-hearted, because I realize that deep down inside this is not a lifestyle that DT can live. As much as he wants to try, as much as he is turned on by it, he just does not have it in him to give me what I need. This leads me to believe that I have a choice to make...
It really isn't even a choice. I will not give up DT, I will give up my need to live this lifestyle. So that I can be happy with him. If I continue down this road to M/s then I will continue to be frustrated, hurt, and wanting. Because I expect certain things. So, there it is.....I'm turning in my collar, and my status as sub, slave, etc.
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