My Realization.....

I have a new collar. It's gorgeous, it was custom made to match the bracelet DT bought me. We had been talking about getting it made for months. It's simple sterling silver choker one end a knot, the other a hook ending in a gold ball. I love it, I can wear it all day every day.

You would think I would be excited to finally have it. But I'm not...when it came in the mail I was actually angry. I really can't explain the anger, I'm no longer angry. Or maybe I am, I can't seem to put a finger on what I feel. Yes, I wear it... but it doesn't carry any meaning. It's just a pretty piece of jewelry.


I realized then that I was slipping away from where I want to be.






We have, hmm had a nightly ritual. The mechanics aren't important, what is important is how it makes me feel. This type of ritual should make me feel closer to my Sir, it should make me feel complete. It ends simply with me Thanking him for the honor of serving him...and he thanks me for the honor of my service. Tell me, what honor is there in not serving him? There is that moment when the words slip out my lips that I feel like a hypocrite. They are just words, they don't have any truth or meaning.

I realize that I am not living the life I wanted....needed.






A few nights ago we were alone, and he commented that he had been looking at something on eBay when he had some quiet and alone time. I was hurt. I commented on it, and he said it was while he was at home not at work. I said that's even worse. He looked at me funny and asked what I was saying then because he didn't understand. I was so hurt at that point it took all I had not to cry. I told him I was upset and now I see where I stand. He was even more confused and explained that I wasn't home. I said, that was the thing...I've been asking him for something for months, and instead of doing that for me, for us, he was looking up something on eBay. It was a breaking point for me, he was upset that he had hurt me, and then I said...Do you realize that I have given up? There was a flash of relief on his face. A millisecond, but I saw it.

That's when I realized that it really was over. I won't ever have a lifestyle that is so deeply a part of me.

Its always in the bedroom....

I know I've mentioned numerous times my desire to have more of the lifestyle in our daily life. That hasn't changed. I still want and need that quite desperately. I do realize I may never have that. And that is something I will continue to work through both with DT and within myself.

But let me tell you about the bedroom....oh yes, in the bedroom lifestyle is very much with us. I am his, and his alone. To be used, and abused as he sees fit. When he wants it, any time he wants it. Like a couple nights ago, I was having a poor me pity party day and went to bed feeling alone. Then he rolled me over and told me. "Make love to me." It wasn't a request, it was a direction. I couldn't have said no if I wanted to. And let me tell you, at that moment...I wanted to. I was tired, I was grumpy, and I just wanted to be left alone.

At that moment I had the decision, I could have said no. I could have fought it, and he probably would have let me. But deep down in my soul, that side of me that drives my submission reached up and took hold. I couldn't say no to him. My body was his. His touch started gently, drawing me out. I tried to fight, I tried to resist the pleasure of his touch. He was having none of it, he continued on, ...

I felt his touch, his fingers, his mouth, his tongue....he played with my breast, twisting and pinching my nipples. The pain was focused and intense, bringing my pussy to instant wetness. He probed my cunt with his hands, his fingers pinching my clit before he gave it a good slap. And again, he brought his hand down upon my tender pussy. It was what I needed, the pleasure of it was too much. I came hard, gushing against his hand. Trying not to scream and wake the children. And then, oh yes then he fucked me. Hard and demanding, drawing out orgasm after orgasm. I didn't exist any longer, all that lay beneath him was a wet hole for him to take his pleasure from. A tight wet cunt for him to fuck, and he did. Several times, each one more intense. After he used me to his liking he let me sleep....and I was satisfied, happy. Knowing that in the bedroom, its always there. I will always be his slave in the bedroom.

Even when I've given up all hope of having this thing outside our sex life. I know that naked under his weight I will submit to his whims, whenever he desires. And I will feel used, and degraded....and cherished.....but only in the bedroom.

Long distance goes face to face

How do you make the transition from long distance to living with someone you've met and fallen in love with online? Many of us have done it and failed, just as many have made it a success.

I find myself looking at my relationship with DT and it is fantastic, I love him as much as ever and all you have to do is look in his eyes to know he loves me... probably more than I deserve. We are happy, yes we have moments when we drive each other crazy. Sometimes it's his doing, but honestly, it's just as often mine.

When we started down this road 1600 miles apart we both said that certain things made up the foundation of our relationship, who and what we are together and as individuals. Some were little things, like our nightly tuck-ins. While others were much bigger, like our pledge to always be open and honest. Sure there were a lot of other things, to always communicate, he made promises to always put me first, to always treat me like a lady, to always show me how he felt, flowers, poems, back rubs, cups of coffee...I made promises, to keep my head above water financially, to always work to be a better person, to keep up on the cooking and cleaning. To take care of him, make him lunch, to stop being so negative and to accept that I am worthy.

We are both failing in so many ways. But the one thing that is going to do us the most harm? Well, its two things actually. First, complacency. It seems that we are so comfortable together that we've stopped trying. Stopped wanting to be the best for each other. I've found myself forgetting to do the things he asks of me, like getting his lunch together, he, on the other hand, has dropped so many of those little things that meant so much to me. And I don't point these things out to him. I don't point them out because I don't want to be like his ex. She wanted to be wooed back, I want to be wooed, she missed the poetry, I miss the poetry. I miss the cards, I miss the communication. So I don't say anything. Which leads to the biggest crack in our foundation. I've shut down. I don't talk about my feelings, I don't talk about my needs, I just don't talk. I don't tell him how I feel. I don't tell him what I need, I don't tell him what I want. There are a lot of reasons. Many silly and foolish!

I know it, I see it happening. I don't know how to fix it...and I want to. I want US back, the open honesty, the trust, the BDSM, the M/s, the DD. I need those things to be me. And without me, there can be no us.

And its HNT!!!!

When you're 1600 miles from the love of your life, you find yourself taking hundreds of pictures for his viewing pleasure. Some sexy, some subtle, some just fun. Well, this is one of my favorites from those days. I do have to admit I miss the fun of long-distance photo shoots.....






Stopover and visit Osbasso and all of the other wonderful folks on HNT this week!!

Another HNT

Sticking with last week's legs post, I bring you my Sirs's leg. For those of you not familiar with the concept wander over and visit OS in the Back Row.
So last week we showed off my legs and this week I couldn't resist sharing My loving Sir's leg...