Taking the pressure off who????

A few weeks ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I took off my collar. I just can't wear it anymore under the current circumstance, it means nothing to me. That reality really hurt me.

That night I went to bed, and my collar was no longer where I had left it. I had a moment of panic until DT told me he had put it away....to take the pressure off me.



Now, as I look back over the last two years I have to ask....who was he really taking the pressure off of?

I'm scared

I have known for a long time who I am and what I need to truly be ME, and be happy. I thought I had found someone who could give me what I needed, who would appreciate what I had to give and would love me completely.

We were 1500 miles apart, and yet he always knew what I needed, he was firm when I needed it, strong when I felt I just couldn't go one step further, an anchor when I felt like giving up, demanding when he wanted it his way, gentle and caring when I was falling apart. A leader, a lover, a Sir, a Master, a Dom, a partner, a friend. He loved me, he accepted me, and he wanted to lead me.

So, we worked hard to get where we are today. Under the same roof...I knew that this would not be easy. We have a lot of stressors in our lives, some his, some mine, yet we share them all. There is not a day goes by that I am not happy to be here, with him. I love him, and yes, he loves me completely.

But something is missing....he no longer leads me. He used to be able to tell when I was falling, and step in with his strength and guidance to lead me. To direct me, I always knew he had my best interest at heart. Now, I feel as if I am a possession, and not in the way I imagined. I am possessed by him, but I am so cherished and protected that I am put on a shelf where I can be admired. But like so many pretty things in life that are put on shelves, they are soon taken for granted. You know they are there, but you don't stop and look at them, touch them, interact with them. They are simply for show.

I don't want to be for show. I want him to be the leader I know he is, I want the man I fell in love with....all of him.

And I'm really afraid of what will happen if he doesn't come back soon.

My Realization.....

I have a new collar. It's gorgeous, it was custom made to match the bracelet DT bought me. We had been talking about getting it made for months. It's simple sterling silver choker one end a knot, the other a hook ending in a gold ball. I love it, I can wear it all day every day.

You would think I would be excited to finally have it. But I'm not...when it came in the mail I was actually angry. I really can't explain the anger, I'm no longer angry. Or maybe I am, I can't seem to put a finger on what I feel. Yes, I wear it... but it doesn't carry any meaning. It's just a pretty piece of jewelry.


I realized then that I was slipping away from where I want to be.






We have, hmm had a nightly ritual. The mechanics aren't important, what is important is how it makes me feel. This type of ritual should make me feel closer to my Sir, it should make me feel complete. It ends simply with me Thanking him for the honor of serving him...and he thanks me for the honor of my service. Tell me, what honor is there in not serving him? There is that moment when the words slip out my lips that I feel like a hypocrite. They are just words, they don't have any truth or meaning.

I realize that I am not living the life I wanted....needed.






A few nights ago we were alone, and he commented that he had been looking at something on eBay when he had some quiet and alone time. I was hurt. I commented on it, and he said it was while he was at home not at work. I said that's even worse. He looked at me funny and asked what I was saying then because he didn't understand. I was so hurt at that point it took all I had not to cry. I told him I was upset and now I see where I stand. He was even more confused and explained that I wasn't home. I said, that was the thing...I've been asking him for something for months, and instead of doing that for me, for us, he was looking up something on eBay. It was a breaking point for me, he was upset that he had hurt me, and then I said...Do you realize that I have given up? There was a flash of relief on his face. A millisecond, but I saw it.

That's when I realized that it really was over. I won't ever have a lifestyle that is so deeply a part of me.

Its always in the bedroom....

I know I've mentioned numerous times my desire to have more of the lifestyle in our daily life. That hasn't changed. I still want and need that quite desperately. I do realize I may never have that. And that is something I will continue to work through both with DT and within myself.

But let me tell you about the bedroom....oh yes, in the bedroom lifestyle is very much with us. I am his, and his alone. To be used, and abused as he sees fit. When he wants it, any time he wants it. Like a couple nights ago, I was having a poor me pity party day and went to bed feeling alone. Then he rolled me over and told me. "Make love to me." It wasn't a request, it was a direction. I couldn't have said no if I wanted to. And let me tell you, at that moment...I wanted to. I was tired, I was grumpy, and I just wanted to be left alone.

At that moment I had the decision, I could have said no. I could have fought it, and he probably would have let me. But deep down in my soul, that side of me that drives my submission reached up and took hold. I couldn't say no to him. My body was his. His touch started gently, drawing me out. I tried to fight, I tried to resist the pleasure of his touch. He was having none of it, he continued on, ...

I felt his touch, his fingers, his mouth, his tongue....he played with my breast, twisting and pinching my nipples. The pain was focused and intense, bringing my pussy to instant wetness. He probed my cunt with his hands, his fingers pinching my clit before he gave it a good slap. And again, he brought his hand down upon my tender pussy. It was what I needed, the pleasure of it was too much. I came hard, gushing against his hand. Trying not to scream and wake the children. And then, oh yes then he fucked me. Hard and demanding, drawing out orgasm after orgasm. I didn't exist any longer, all that lay beneath him was a wet hole for him to take his pleasure from. A tight wet cunt for him to fuck, and he did. Several times, each one more intense. After he used me to his liking he let me sleep....and I was satisfied, happy. Knowing that in the bedroom, its always there. I will always be his slave in the bedroom.

Even when I've given up all hope of having this thing outside our sex life. I know that naked under his weight I will submit to his whims, whenever he desires. And I will feel used, and degraded....and cherished.....but only in the bedroom.

Long distance goes face to face

How do you make the transition from long distance to living with someone you've met and fallen in love with online? Many of us have done it and failed, just as many have made it a success.

I find myself looking at my relationship with DT and it is fantastic, I love him as much as ever and all you have to do is look in his eyes to know he loves me... probably more than I deserve. We are happy, yes we have moments when we drive each other crazy. Sometimes it's his doing, but honestly, it's just as often mine.

When we started down this road 1600 miles apart we both said that certain things made up the foundation of our relationship, who and what we are together and as individuals. Some were little things, like our nightly tuck-ins. While others were much bigger, like our pledge to always be open and honest. Sure there were a lot of other things, to always communicate, he made promises to always put me first, to always treat me like a lady, to always show me how he felt, flowers, poems, back rubs, cups of coffee...I made promises, to keep my head above water financially, to always work to be a better person, to keep up on the cooking and cleaning. To take care of him, make him lunch, to stop being so negative and to accept that I am worthy.

We are both failing in so many ways. But the one thing that is going to do us the most harm? Well, its two things actually. First, complacency. It seems that we are so comfortable together that we've stopped trying. Stopped wanting to be the best for each other. I've found myself forgetting to do the things he asks of me, like getting his lunch together, he, on the other hand, has dropped so many of those little things that meant so much to me. And I don't point these things out to him. I don't point them out because I don't want to be like his ex. She wanted to be wooed back, I want to be wooed, she missed the poetry, I miss the poetry. I miss the cards, I miss the communication. So I don't say anything. Which leads to the biggest crack in our foundation. I've shut down. I don't talk about my feelings, I don't talk about my needs, I just don't talk. I don't tell him how I feel. I don't tell him what I need, I don't tell him what I want. There are a lot of reasons. Many silly and foolish!

I know it, I see it happening. I don't know how to fix it...and I want to. I want US back, the open honesty, the trust, the BDSM, the M/s, the DD. I need those things to be me. And without me, there can be no us.

And its HNT!!!!

When you're 1600 miles from the love of your life, you find yourself taking hundreds of pictures for his viewing pleasure. Some sexy, some subtle, some just fun. Well, this is one of my favorites from those days. I do have to admit I miss the fun of long-distance photo shoots.....






Stopover and visit Osbasso and all of the other wonderful folks on HNT this week!!

Another HNT

Sticking with last week's legs post, I bring you my Sirs's leg. For those of you not familiar with the concept wander over and visit OS in the Back Row.
So last week we showed off my legs and this week I couldn't resist sharing My loving Sir's leg...

HNT already?

For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my HNT contribution.   For those of you not familiar with the concept wander over and visit OS in the Back Row.
As many of you know Die_Tryin has always been a bit of a leg man and has a special appreciation for my legs.  So, with that in mind......





Now, let me tell you all a little secret, .....
I love my legs, they are one of my best features I think. Not only do they look good, but they are extremely sensitive.  A gentle touch on my thigh will send my mind spinning.  A brush against the back of my knee will give me goosebumps....and then there is that light caress the length of my leg, that will bring me to my knees begging for more.  So, you see, its a very good thing for me to be in love with a leg man.

One night down...

It really is the little things that keep me going. The last few nights have gone well, everything done on schedule and as planned, we even had time for a little talking before bed. Communication is the air I breathe with Die_tryin. Now, I will admit that it was all made better by the couple nights of fucking incredible sex. That man does know how to take care of me.

On another note, in dealing with the BDA. We had planned to file our taxes jointly because we would get more back. Right? Wrong, I get a hell of a lot more back by filing as Head of household. Woo hoo! So, I had to prep myself for battle with him over this. I didn't tell him that he would probably have to pay this year, nope, I chickened out on that part. I did, however, send him a text that said I would be filing separately. Much to my surprise, he was fine with it. He did ask if I would help with his when he finally gets his W-2. I said yes...I know I know, I should have said no. But I will admit I am still terrified of the man.




So, yes I did file his taxes for him. He sounded genuinely thankful. So, lets all just pray that it doesn't backfire on me.

Baby steps...

Right? That's what it's all about. Baby steps. You have to crawl, before you can walk, walk before you can run, run before you can fly.

We've taken a tiny shuffle in the right direction. Die_tryin and I discussed things he wanted us to start implementing, unfortunately, we were on the phone and I was in the bathroom. I asked him if he had these things written down, I knew I wouldn't remember this all. He didn't but he assured me that he would do just that for me. As of yet he has not, and like so often happens...his multi-track mind has gotten him off on to other topics.

They are steps in the direction we want to go, but not the ones he had addressed with me that morning. We've started a nightly dinner schedule, planning meals a week at a time. This is fantastic I can plan ahead, buy the things I need in advance, and it helps take some stress out of my daily life.

We've also started a nightly routine. Last night was our first attempt, it failed. So we'll brush off and start again tonight. The girls are to have chores done by 5, homework by 6. Dinner is at 6:30, showers at 7:30, and bed by 8 for the little ones, 8:15 for the big one, and 8:30 for us. Early I know but when you get up at 3:15 every morning it's just gotta happen that way.

So far, we are on a roll. Dinner is cooking, one of the girls has chores and homework done, the other is working on it. The third, well she has chores done and I think she's working on her homework. We'll see how it goes with her.

I had two tasks to complete, I needed to do my grooming which is done, and I needed to take a book back to the library. I didn't get that done. I have no good reason really. I should have run out and did it I waited because I knew I had to pick him up at 2. That didn't work out, an officer brought 3 people in for bookings, and it sounds like possibly 3 more. So, I have no idea when he'll be ready for me to pick him up.

I have hope,....but I'm afraid to hope.

oh no not again.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

I'm getting so disheartened with the whole life. Maybe I'm expecting too much, I am impatient after all. I do know that this is a slow process. We have an ever-changing road ahead of us.

How long can you say We are new to this life, before its just an excuse. That's not to say that we haven't done anything we do have a few things in place. He drives, fills my gas tank, gets my doors, starts my car in the morning, pulls out my chair, orders my dinner, meets me at the door when I get home. These are things that remind me that I am cherished and cared for. They are the little things he does to remind me that he is the Man, and I am his Lady. But the consistency is missing. For example, it's getting more frequent that he doesn't start my car in the morning. I know that he's working now and that he is understandably tired when I get up at 3:30. Where I get frustrated with it is, that he told me once that he would always get up with me and start my car. Even if he went right back to bed after I left. His reason was the way his first wife was with him. She used to get up with him and go back to bed after he left, then she would wake up enough to kiss him goodbye and then roll over and go back to sleep, and in the end, it got to the point he was just trying to make sure he didn't wake her when he left. He said he never wanted that for us....and yet, I'm starting to see it slip that direction. Maybe I'm being hormonal, maybe I'm being oversensitive. I don't know. I just wish he hadn't set me up to expect these things.

We have a nighttime ritual, but I will be the first to say that I am not always consistent with it. Some nights, I am just so tired that I fall asleep before it's done. And he lets it slide. I don't know what I want, but I know that when those nights happen I feel like something is missing all night, and the next day. Do I want a correction the next day? Do I want him to wake me up and make me follow through up on our ritual? Do I want him to take things in hand, look out for my well being and be sure that we get to bed before I am that tired? I really don't know what I want, I think I know what I need. But every time I think it, I feel like I'm taking control.

I'm working very hard to keep up with an evening protocol of getting him a drink, taking off his shoes, and putting on his slippers. But that is something I initiated, so it doesn't have as much impact for me. I know he appreciates it, I can see it in his face, I hear it in his voice which is all the reward I need. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to suggest it.


We get into this pattern, I complain that we are at a stalemate, he apologizes and says he realizes he's let us both down and will work on it. We have a day or two of him showing he's capable. That he can do it, that he will do it. Then we end up right back where we started. I'm hanging looking for direction, looking for consistency, looking for a correction. Then I start to act out, and I shut down and damage us. The last time I even told him I was afraid to hope that this time he would work on things with us. That I was afraid that the same thing would happen again. Because I knew that if it slipped down this slope again I would be hurt, angry, and my hope would be forever damaged. I KNEW this....and I put myself out on the line again.

Every time I go through this I want to just give up to throw in the towel, and let the lifestyle go. Then I come here and I vent and feel like I'm whining.

way too fast...

I moved out to this awful place when I married my EX. My parents came out to visit every summer for a couple weeks. Then my Dad passed away, and my Mom started coming out alone, she would spend her two weeks with us during the day, and sitting in a hotel every night. Then my Grandmother passes away and my mom started looking for a house closer to me. She found a house on her next visit and bought it before she went back to her home.

Several times I talked about leaving my husband and hinted at staying in my mom's house. After all, it was sitting there empty, and she was showing no signs of moving. Finally, she gave in and let me move in. I've been here for 10 months now. Barely scraping by even though I have a full-time job. Kids are expensive.

Then DT moved out here, he had an apartment for 6 months, of which he only spent 2 at his own place. Before moving in with me. Now I will admit I didn't tell my mother anything about DT moving in. Yes, she knows that DT and I are a couple, that I plan on making him a large part of my life. But she does NOT know that he is living with me. Because she wouldn't approve.

Which leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. If she does move out here, what do I do with DT? Unless business really picks up we can't afford to move. And I don't know that I can live with DT in an apartment again.

I'm thinking I'll take the cowards way out, and just start hinting to her that he's living here before she gets moved. Then just lay it out when we get here, that he's here and well if she really wants him out we'll go from there.


What would you do?

Soap opera anyone?

There have been many times in my life when I've said that the life I was living was better than any soap opera ever written. Even today that holds true.

I'm living with this great guy who I want to spend my life with. I'm his slave and have given my very soul to him. But he's married to a neurotic woman that desperately wants him back, however, she is verbally and emotionally abusive every time she talks to him. Did I mention that I am also married, to an abusive man who just last week told me (in his words) " I don't know about you but sometimes I really kick myself in the ass for letting you go "

I have a son that is a mental health disaster, two gorgeous girls that love to instigate fights between me and their Dad, and a teen daughter that has pushed me so far that I almost kicked her out, then she ran away, now she's the dream child again.

We've been running our own business and got screwed by someone we thought was a friend.

All in all, it really makes me laugh. But sometimes the stress of it all is a bit overwhelming.


How many times does he have to be asked things like; "If I die would you come get the boys?" "You'll have to come get the boys I'm leaving and you'll never hear from me again", and posting online "Would the boys be better off with DH?" So, I keep asking how long does he have to hear this? We would take the boys in an instant if we thought she was serious and didn't want them. But I know that she uses those comments to get him to call her and talk her down. She wants him at any expense.

On the other hand, my ex is calling and texting all nicey nice. Nothing like the man I was married to. I'm glad to see he's growing into a better person. But I have no desire to share my life with him...EVER. I'm just glad that I don't have to fight and argue all the time. The downside is that I really am still afraid of him. And because of that fear, I do some really stupid stuff. (more on that later)

I wouldn't change my life....the stress, the drama, the craziness of it all. Who wants to be normal?

a new start

After my last post, I spent quite a bit of time talking to Die_tryin. About us, and where we are, what we need, and how to get there. Our communication has been suffering because of being together. Having him in the house with me, so close, it's wonderful. I enjoy all our time together, even if it's just us sitting at our computers doing our own thing. Unfortunately, the deeper communication that we built our relationship on has fallen to the wayside.

I did give my collar to DT for safekeeping, I just do not feel in that state of mind right now. I have some things to work through, with DT and within myself. During our talk, DT admits to having had some blocks that cause him to hold back. And that has been an injustice to us both. I feel just as responsible for this as I've not been more open in my expectations.

We've agreed that we do want this lifestyle and that we will work to get back where we want to be.

In the days since that last post, I have seen a change in DT and that has brought about a change in me. The kids make spankings and other pain-inducing corrections out of the question. DT has decided that a few well-placed bites on my back that respond to pressure are in order. We've added a couple things to our nightly rituals that have brought me closer to him and my position in this life together.

I've put my whole heart into this, and I only hope that we are able to pull this off. I know it won't be easy, but I'm willing to give it a go...

wish us luck

Frustration

My apologies for such a long post, I just really needed to get this off my shoulders.

I have this personal limit, I know slaves shouldn't be allowed to have limits, but he allows me some. He has told me many times that this doesn't bother him, there is nothing about it that turns him off. But for some reason I just do not feel that I can do it....what is this big NO???

I cannot bring myself to have sex while Aunt Flo is visiting.

Silly you say, I know, I can't get past it. I've tried,...I just can't do it. That brings me to today. OUR day, no kids just us, we are allowed to be us. Lifestyle and all. Due to another medical condition, we had to take a few weeks off from sex and beatings while I healed. So today was THE DAY! I've built up to it, wanted it, thought about it constantly. I need it, I need it so badly I feel like I'm falling apart.

This is where it all starts, I've let myself build up an expectation for this moment. Something I've done to myself before. I build-up to this because I need it, and I've been told I will get it, and I understand it is his prerogative to not give it to me. I think I would understand this better if I knew that he was holding back to make a point, to teach a lesson, or to just prolong keeping me on edge. When I know that's not the case, then it hurts and it frustrates me. I feel let down, and hanging, unwanted, and of no consequence. I know that in his mind he thinks this is what I want because of Aunt Flo, but he's also told me many many times that just because of that it doesn't mean that he can't give me the pain and beating that I so deeply need. Just as many times as he's told me that it doesn't mean he can't tie me up. I need these things, and I need them from HIM.

Some would say....who cares what you need, you're a slave and your needs are not of concern. Yeah, well that's what I love about this lifestyle, everyone is free to make it what they want and need to feel complete.

That is just the start of my frustration, it goes deeper to something that has been eating at me recently. DT has always been able to read me. To sense what I need, and even 1600 miles away he was able to provide it. It's this strong connection that has always been a huge part of our relationship. And recently it seems he's not been able to read me as well. I don't know what I've done to cause this change. I have tried to step back and look at myself and how I may have changed. I know that I have been holding a lot recently, and maybe that's it. Maybe I am shielding myself too well, from the one person I need to be the most open with. Whatever it is I want it back, I don't want to live my life constantly having to tell him what I need. That goes against who I am.

When I get this way the Brat comes out, screaming for attention, begging for more than I can handle in that bratty, aggravating, frustrating way. Its that side of me that says any attention is better than no attention. That to make him mad at me in hopes of feeling the hurt I am aching for. No, I don't think I could ever make him mad enough to hit me in anger...That is just NOT in him...Thankfully! But maybe I could get him upset enough to discipline or punish me. Anything. Nope, doesn't happen, he warns me that one day she's going to write a check my ass can't cash. Yet, it just doesn't work that way. That is one of the things I love about him, he will NEVER, EVER, react in anger.

Looking at it I suspect that this is why I've started holding things in. Hoping he will force me to talk about it. He'll tell you that he can't make me talk if I don't want to. That when I shut down its best to just give me my space. This is partially true, but there are keys to make me talk. No matter how hard I try not to.


All of this frustration came to a head today. We had planned on how the day would go. He's been telling me for a week that today would be the day I got what I needed, he's built it up in me and had me on edge so many times I was ready to snap inside. We put off sex last night because we had today planned and wanted to keep the edge. The plan was to go out for coffee this morning, come home and have a play session. To give me what I needed to center and regain my focus.

Back up a few days, the brat came out and got him to fuck me, it was incredible. But it left me wanting and that want made me cry. Because I realize just how much this man loves me, how much I need him, and how I felt I had let him down. He gave me a writing assignment because the brat came out pretty hard. Unfortunately, that writing assignment left me feeling even less worthy of this incredible man.

We talked about the paper I wrote for him and he said we'd change things up for today that we would have our coffee, come home and have a deep heart to heart (something we've both said we need for WEEKS), then we'd have a play session.

Which brings us back to today...We had our coffee and a good visit with OUR friend the shop owner. We ran a couple errands and came home. Where I waited for instructions. DT, commented shortly after we got home that he was hungry. I took the hint, and asked what he would like, and then prepared his lunch, after all, he needs to be at his best before he beats my ass. An hour later he's still not given me any direction. I was at my breaking point and could feel the tears coming. So, I went to bed. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and shut down. I don't want to feel anymore. It was only a couple minutes before he came looking for me. I couldn't fight the tears, and he comforted me, we talked about how I was frustrated with the way the day went. I was hoping beyond all hope that he would pull out my friend the flogger, and make my flesh scream. But alas, it didn't happen. He talked about loving me, how much I mean to him, and how he hated to see me like this. Things I needed to hear, things that I love to hear, and he meant them. I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. It makes me love him all the more. He assured me that we'd come back to this talk about my frustration when we were done with our shower. The shower was...AMAZING as always. Nothing sexual, just us, touching feeling laughing and being together. I do so love showering with this man. Washing his hair, soaping his body.....mmmm, its decadent.

However, you guessed it. There was no talk after the shower. An hour or so goes by and its time to go get the girls from school. That's when DT realizes that I didn't have my collar on yet, it had been taken off for our shower and not put back on when we finished. It was laying on the bed where I left it planning to come back to it and our talk. He tried to get me to go get it, but the Brat rebelled and cried out for attention. Sadly my perceived lack of interest in getting or desire to wear my collar hurt DT, which he was not afraid to tell me. Which again brought the tears to my eyes...I have NO NO NO NO NO desire whatsoever to make this man hurt in any way. The funny thing about this conversation is that he stood in front of me with his arms on my shoulders, pulling my hair. In my mind it was his way of putting me in my place, making me feel that pain I've been asking for. I lifted my shoulders to relieve the pull and he commented on it, I dropped my shoulders and it pulled HARD. I thought he saw it, felt it, realized it was what I needed. He asked about my movements and I said I was trying to relieve a little of the pull, his reaction was to take my hair out from under his arms and take the hurt away. My mind started reeling, I saw it then at that moment. He didn't want to hurt me or cause me any discomfort. It confused me greatly. It still has me confused.




That's when he took me in his arms and told me that he needs me, and he went on to say sometimes he thinks he needs me more than I need him. Which cut me like a knife. Because I know in my heart of hearts that I need him more, that I would shut down and turn into the mess I was before he came into my life. I need nothing more than to have him in my life. I need him more than I need the pain, more than I need to submit, more than I need to serve and follow.











Through all of this, I'm broken-hearted, because I realize that deep down inside this is not a lifestyle that DT can live. As much as he wants to try, as much as he is turned on by it, he just does not have it in him to give me what I need. This leads me to believe that I have a choice to make...

It really isn't even a choice. I will not give up DT, I will give up my need to live this lifestyle. So that I can be happy with him. If I continue down this road to M/s then I will continue to be frustrated, hurt, and wanting. Because I expect certain things. So, there it is.....I'm turning in my collar, and my status as sub, slave, etc.

Teen angst.....

As many of you know I have a 17-year-old daughter. She's had it rough until DT came into my life and started getting me back on track. But since then she's had life pretty good. She goes to school, comes home, does her chores which consist of doing the dishes, and taking care of her cat, then on to homework, dinner, and bedtime. She's kind of a homebody but I do let her go out with friends and to school events, all she has to do is get chores and homework done...oh and the important part, ASK. She has a school-issued laptop, an mp3 player, a knock off kindle book reader, a cell phone, and her own room. She does not have a job, a car or a driver's license (all at her choosing).

She also has a big problem letting go of the sins of the past. I married an ass, I know this, he was very hard on her, borderline verbally abusive. When we took her to a therapist 6 months ago, she went on and on about the fact that she was acting out because of all the things he does. The therapist says, how long since you've lived with him, and DD says over a year. The therapist says, don't you think its time you moved on and stopped rehashing that as if it were today. They went on to discuss how it happened in the past and while it needs to be worked through its not still happening and she needs to stop placing all the blame there. That things have changed and she should acknowledge the changes (which she refuses to do) I'm still the horrible mother of then, she will not concede that I have changed, that things are better. Its all about then.
Now, I agree she needs to work through these things, they were horrible, and she needs to find a way to process them.

Fast forward to Monday, she gets caught with her cell phone - texting. She has been grounded from the cell phone because she was giving her phone number to people she met online. One, in particular, was in Florida, she claims she's madly in love with him, that they are going to live together when she graduates. So, texting was shut off. Monday, we find her texting ...this time, some guy in Illinois, one in Iowa, and another in New Jersey. Who are they? She claims she doesn't know. How did she meet them? online. What does she know about them, nothing? After an hour of trying to explain to her why that's not safe, how it not only puts her in danger but also her sisters and me. She can only say that she doesn't understand what she did wrong. I pointed out to her two cases in our area of girls in their teens being abducted from their homes, one beaten, and raped. The other beaten, raped, cut into pieces and burned. I asked her if she wanted that for herself, she said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted that for her sisters she said....sometimes. That sometimes she gets mad at them and wishes something bad would happen to them. When confronted about how that is not normal she goes into fits of laughter saying that she's going to scream and pull her hair out if she doesn't laugh.

After several hours she agrees that she will live by the rules of the house, rather than go to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. We told her there is one rule and one rule only.......Do what you are told, no questions asked. We concede that she can ask how to do something or for clarification on what needs to be done. But she is not to question WHY. We also said that once you're done with what you were instructed then you can ask why and we'll explain it. (This no questions asked policy was added because she is constantly saying she doesn't understand why she has to do something, you can explain it in great finite detail, and again she'll claim she does not understand, over and over until its time for bed and nothing has been done). She agreed to this. The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

Then comes Tuesday, said DD doesn't come home from school. I got a phone call from her friend's cell phone and she said that was staying late to talk to a teacher. When I called the school, none of her teachers had seen her since school got out. Eventually, she showed up at the house, where she was told that she would not be allowed in the house until she handed over the laptop. An hour later, and a bit of a tug of war and I have the laptop. She had been warned that if she did not hand it over peacefully that I would also require that she hand over her mp3 player and book reader. Again, she refused and stormed off down the street. After a couple minutes, we went after her, and couldn't find her. Tried calling friends and no one would admit to seeing her. So, we did what a concerned parent would, we called the police. An officer came out and agreed that he felt she was just being a bratty teen and would be home when she got cold or hungry.

About an hour later she called from her friend's cell phone. Asking if I wanted her to come home, I told her I didn't want her to leave in the first place. I asked where she was and told her I would be there to pick her up. She said she would meet me at the gas station. I called the officer we had talked to and asked him to meet me there. A quick drive over and there he was, just as she walked up. He did his part as the "bad" cop to try and get through to her. I tell you I honestly thought she was going to spit in his face. It was really a waste of his time. It meant nothing to her. We left and got into the car, I told her this did not change things, that she still had to turn over her mp3 player and book reader if she wanted to come home. She refused, so I started off to the hospital to have her admitted for a mental health evaluation. 15 miles down the road she's trying to bargain with me. She'll give me them if we go home, I said no, you give them to me and I'll turn around. She'll give it to me if I turn around, I said no you'll give it to me and then I'll turn around. Finally, she gave it to me. And within 5 minutes she is laughing so hard at a tree she saw on the side of the road that you can't hear the radio.

She was told that today she would be picked up at school, and turn over her laptop to DT or me, and then we would go home, she would do chores and then she could do her homework. When that was done she would give her laptop back to us until morning. If she does this and does not have a major meltdown, screaming fit, or back talking smart mouth attitude then she'll get her mp3 player back.

DT went to the school to pick her up, he was going to try and talk to her, he seems to have a way with her that I don't. 10 minutes after school got out, still no sign of her. So he went into the school and had them page her, within minutes she showed up. I don't know what is happening, I know they are together.

I'm just at my wit's end with her, she doesn't care that she hurts me or her sisters. She doesn't care that she puts all of us at risk. She doesn't care about anything but the people she has been talking to online.


I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry.......and I just wish I had some idea what to do to help the situation.

The valentines debacle

How do you measure love? When you look at yourself and your partner what is the shape of your relationship?

Draw two lines one for you and one for your partner, what does it look like?   Does it look like two waves drifting apart and then coming back to each other? I've seen it many times couples that drift apart until the next big thing comes along. Like having a baby or buying a house.  The trouble is that once the thrill wears off they start to drift apart again.  And what happens when you run out of big things?

Or do the lines start together until one partner's line jumps up, to be followed by the other trying to keep up with the first partner's expectations?  This is that couple who always needs bigger and better to feel loved.  When the little gestures are no longer enough.  The man who was once happy a new set of golf clubs, now won't be happy without the new clubs, and a pull behind cart, next year that won't be enough either.  Where do they go when the money runs out or they hit the top of the line?

Or maybe you look at your line and its full of jagged jumps apart, explosive collisions,  and dramatic gaps where the lines vanish altogether.  These are the couples that thrive on conflict.  They start out as small tiffs that turn to fights, cheating, separation, or even abuse. Where do these lines end? Where do they go?

All of these couples have one thing in common,  a constant escalation.


I know there are many other lines, some work, some don't.  No two couples have the same lines.

So what does your line look like?

I know what I want mine to look like with die_tryin.....




This line starts out apart and has come together with little steps gradual movement, closer and closer. Until finally the line comes together and runs parallel, slowly lifting, growing, the lines become thicker and closer together, until finally, they are one line, still moving upwards together.

But how do I get there? what is it that brings us slowly closer, that makes us larger and more complete? It's not the new house, the new car, the baby. It's the little things. The text in the middle of the day when he just KNOWS that its been rough even without having heard from me. Its the nightly tuck in, with a kiss to my sweet spot and the kiss on the lips, and the directions to sleep sweet and dream of whatever thought he puts into my head. Its the small gestures, the card at Valentine's, the note that tells me how he feels about me, the poem he wrote because he thought of me. The way he always makes me coffee, how he just KNOWS when I need him to be rough, to beat me into a calmer state, or the way he knows that I need to be tied up and centered. The way he can tell when I simply need to be taken and left feeling used.

Now I'm seeing that my line is flawed because those little things aren't always there. Like the Valentine's Day debacle....he bought me a stuffed dog weeks before, and I was grateful, I love it. I use it as a pillow when I nap after work. Then we went out to dinner two nights before. It was an incredible meal at the Golf club, and I loved it. The food was good, we dressed up, and I felt like a Lady. But, the little things weren't there...no card, no note, no poem. And I was saddened by this.



Call me crazy, but I'd give up all the fancy dinners for the rest of my life, just for those little things.

HNT.....a hopeful return

Its been sometime since we were able to get an HNT up, so I figured it was past time....so here you go a little peak






Now I'm sure you've already been there, but just in case you haven't...
don't forget to stop by osbasso's and see all the rest of the HNT goodness!

Sometimes it really is all about me....

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. What else do you do when you can't sleep? And I've come to the realization that sometimes this life we lead, the way that we have chosen, is more about me and my needs than it is about him and his.

I need him to lead....I need to step away I need to give up control. I need to shut off my inner dialog and just go with the flow. But what one needs and what one gets are quite often two different things. As in my life right now, I am the one leading, poking, prodding, pulling, nagging, coaxing, screaming, yelling.....and dieing inside

I'm tired....I'm sick.....

Yes, you could say I'm sick and tired....literally.

I'm not sleeping well, not only because of this killer sore throat, difficulty breathing, and fits of lung crushing coughing. But on top of all that my head is spinning, full of thoughts and troubles that keep me awake no matter how hard I try to shut them down.

The foundation of my life with DT is open and honest communication. There is nothing we can't say to each other even if it hurts, we know that anything said is said with love, and the desire to be a strong and constantly growing couple. Here's the thing, sometimes you can say something raw, open, honest, lay your heart on the ground.....and still find that nothing changes. But it's still an issue, unresolved, and it hurts. A hurt so bad that it crawls inside you and begins to eat away at the one thing that makes you ....you. The only way to make the hurt go away is to talk about it. To tell him again what hurts, and why it hurts, even when you know that it's not going to change. Which hurts worse?? Talking about it and being hurt by the one you love and trust the most, or holding in and letting it eat away at you?

Right now, I've decided to just let it eat away at me...I'd rather hurt myself than be hurt by him.

Now, if I could only sleep........