What went wrong

I ask myself every day...what did I do to make him stop wanting me?
I should clarify that statement.  I know he wants me in his life, in his bed, and I know without a doubt that he loves me. But those things, I need to complete me, to be who I really am....he doesn't want them anymore.  Frankly,  I don't think he ever did.
So, now the question is......how do I move on and accept the fact that we are not and never will be what I need?  And when will it stop hurting?

SIR SUNDAY - 10 things

Sir Sunday – Ten things-The Dom edition.



The List……10 Things I love about His_Baby_Doll and 10 things I despise about my FX


Let me start from “my soapbox in the corner of the internet”


The things I love about HBD in no particular order;

1. Her smile, and not just her smile but how her face and eyes light up when she is happy and truly smiling. I do have photographic evidence of this and no I am not going to share, yes I am a selfish bastard

2. Her complete and utter love for me and the fact my complete love of her is accepted and returned.

3. The complete open and honest relationship we have, it makes the distance at least a little more bearable and it is the core block on which our whole relationship is built, as I often say “without our open and honest we wouldn't work”

4. I know even if we were “vanilla” we would love each other as strongly as we do right now, and it continues to grow every minute of every day.

5. We have very similar and complementing “kinks” and have genuine interests in the same topics and “fetishes”. Our excitement to learn is only limited by our imaginations.

6. Her compassion and ability to show love is the best I have ever had the pleasure of receiving and knowing.

7. Even though she will disagree with me I feel she is the sexiest woman I know and have ever had love me in return.

8. The BEST lover I have ever had!!!! (Enough said).

9. An incredible sense of humor that is always there even when we are being serious a joke or a side topic can pop in and out in full stride at full speed. HBD has a sharp wit and the intelligence to back it up.

10. The complete trust in me in all aspects of our lives.




The 10 things I despise about my FX. In no particular order;

1. Her complete lack of trust in me and my abilities. In every aspect of life.

2. The fact which has been proven time and time again that I am “not enough of a provider for the lifestyle she expects”

3. Her Temper and her “razor tongue” which when we argue and fight has a tendency to cut quick, cut deep and cut often.

4. How after vilifying my EX about taking me for granted for as long as she did is now doing the exact same thing and when confronted justifies the acts with the statement “when your EX did it she didn't love you”, the FX has a strange way of showing love.

5. Her lack of patience with important issues, her constant pushing of issues always causes more hurt than results.

6. When she feels stressed or cornered, whether or not she truly is, verbally she goes off on the people who are closest to her, further alienating and hurting the ones she professes to love.

7. Her recent inability to make a decision and stick to it since the boys were born is both frustrating and infuriating.

8. The level of financial ruin I have been pushed into (in the name of love) based on the level of purchases I needed to make to “even the score between her and my ex”

9. How there is no level of communication except “superficial” and “argue”

10. When during the 3rd trimester of her complicated pregnancy I had to stop having sex with her for her own health and safety. She tells me I have destroyed our intimacy and I need to “re court her and woo her back” and I then spent the next 4 months proving to her that I did love her and desire her, to no avail, I was still taken for granted and I told her what she was doing to me and it was met with cold indifference.


So now that that is out of my system let the healing begin, and this can serve as a reminder to me about all the wrongs in my last marriage and keep me and HBD from falling into the same patterns.

I love, cherish and truly desire you Babydoll.
Please marry me and spend the rest of our days together, happy and loved.
I love you, Truly, Madly, Deeply.
~DT

Emotionally exhausted...

I have to apologize for my absence the last few days. I'm just not in a good place mentally right now, and blogging has been so very far from my mind. Which is a very sad thing for me. I love blogging, I love getting my feelings out and sharing them with others, I feel like I've given up a part of me the last few days.


As most of you know Die_Tryin has been moving his SO from his coast home back to her parents in the midwest. Unfortunately, this is also causing me huge amounts of turmoil. I am at battle with myself. I know he loves me, wants me, needs me...as much as I do him. But I can't help but fall back into my doubts and insecurities that she will win this battle.


I can't sleep, so I'm physically exhausted, I can hardly eat I have no appetite, I'm stressed to the max leaving me emotionally exhausted as well. I have a headache that just won't go away and I'm fighting tears every time I hear his voice. I'm not the strong woman he thinks I am. I'm not the strong woman I think I am....I'm weak and emotional.

So, I find myself reaching back to our trip last month. Remembering the feel of his touch, the way his kisses taste....and getting lost again in the feel of his body possessing mine. Is this an odd way to find strength? Drawing his strength into me to get through the next 24 hours?

PAIN

Sir Sunday

From the Mind of Sir Die_Tryin.

PAIN







The topic today is pain, unfortunately not the good ecstasy kind of pain derived from a good and vigorous “play” session. The kind of pain I am referring to is the deep pain in a situation that has gone beyond your control and you feel helpless to protect or help the other party involved.

This weekend was one of those long painful sessions when HBD's SO was home, as the regular readers know his job keeps him on the road for extended periods of time, not long enough by either of our likings. A little background about HBD's SO, he is EX military, an abuser, mental and emotional at this point but has a distinct potential for the physical abuse, it has surfaced in little manifestations up until now. He is a large man over 6' tall and weighing in over 280 lbs while HBD is a petite thing at just over 5' and less than 140 lbs. She is defiantly fighting out of her weight class. He is a bully by nature and uses his size to intimidate HBD and others as a means to get his way, and like all bullies when you show indifference or defiance it pushes them to the physical.

The last two days have been unbearable for me, they were going to discuss the plans for their impending divorce and separation, the details of who gets what and who pays for what. All their phone calls on this topic have always ended with him screaming and threatening to turn off all the utilities and services to the house. You can see where my helplessness has kicked in, being 1600 miles away doesn't help. So now where the pain begins.

He came home Friday late and interrupted our normal evening chatting and communication, he was in a foul mood and already starting shit. His whole focus was to get a sexual "release" and attempted everything he could to get HBD to comply. HBD has told him in no uncertain terms that there will never be any kind of intimate contact between them ever again. She has told him this on many occasions since her intent to divorce has been made open. He continually runs the gambit from the light and joking “friends with benefits” to actual threats of “rape” and he even started the actions once hoping to scare her into it. Now we move forward a bit, to the last two weeks when he has been talking to a woman we all know who herself is in a lie of a marriage - forced into what she thinks is an “open marriage” in order to keep her husband (I might touch more on her in a later rant) We will call her Iris the whore, she is a actually a self-professed “swinger” along with her husband and has a personal beef with HBD and myself over some Internet drama on a web site we all frequent, (this would be how I know about Iris' proclivities? At one time she had made moves on me prior to HBD and I becoming a couple, this is just some of the internet drama) Now Iris the whore has taken an interest in HBD's SO and started him down the path of attempting to “force” HBD into an “Open marriage” like her own. HBD has no desire to participate in this with him and has told him he is free to do whatever or whoever he wants she does not care what he does and do not care to know anything about it. He is intent on going out to Iris the whore on his way through her town this week, in fact, the bulk of today was spent with him talking to Iris the whore while HBD was sitting a mere foot away and he the whole time he was alluding to his plans with Iris the whore. When the topic of if or when HBD finds someone to be intimate with, he interjects that she cannot have anyone unless she gives him a piece of herself first and he will continue to “have her until the divorce is final”. WTF this guy is a fucking tool, he then goes on to whine to HBD that he wants her to help him find lovers for him, (OMG is this asshole for real?) Now before I get sounding all holier than thou and like a sanctimonious prick. He really thinks he is going to make it impossible for HBD to leave by his actions as well as by mentally and emotionally beating her into thinking she can't survive without him, then go on the road and fuck anything he wants and come home to have her service him and she is supposed to just accept it? All he seems to want at this point from HBD is a hole to get off in. Again WTF!!!!! When will this jackass get a clue and realize that Don't touch me means just that DON'T TOUCH ME! And that he will never have intimate relations with her again. Separated means they are done. Even if he does want to work things out like he still says he wants to, you don't go OPENLY flaunting your plans to bed a whore in front of the woman you claim to want to fix things with.

I've gotten a bit off topic so now will touch a bit more on the pain, knowing his potential for violence and that his one driving focus is his penis, as well as his mental instability, every moment there is no contact with HBD sends me to dark places, is she OK, mentally, physically, emotionally. Has he beat her self esteem down to the point that she has given up her resolve to end things between them, has she withdrawn from thinking about leaving him, is she contemplating ending us. This thought is almost too much to bear, too much for my soul to take, I have made a vow to her to always protect her and nurture her and be her partner. I feel bad for feeling so weak, for allowing myself to be overtaken by these emotions, I know that HBD is devoted to me, I know she loves me, and I know she wants us. I pray he gets a clue soon and gives up before it gets ugly.

Until then all I can do is continue to be here for HBD and untangle my own situation, to work on getting us together, forever and a day

I love you Babydoll, and can't imagine a life without you, just be strong.

~DT (with edits from HBD)

A brief note from HBD
I have read this blog post more than once and edited it slightly for content. DT speaks for me, my thoughts, my fears, my feelings, my wants, and desires. These are things he is fully aware of, we have no secrets and are completely honest with each other. So, when he said that I have told my SO there will be no intimate contact, he has heard this straight from me, and it is the pure and simple truth.

I love this man Die_Tryin, he is everything that I have ever looked for in a man, things I didn't know I needed to feel complete. We are a perfect fit, made from complementary molds. I will be with him, forever...and a day.

OH, and don't forget to run over to my Tumblr page!!

stress, doubts and insecurities....

It's funny how you can be flying along high as a kite, the world is in your hands and everything you've ever wanted finally seems to be coming together. A commitment is made, a promise is spoken, a plan set up...and then in the blink of an eye, it's gone.

All of a sudden there are insecurities, that lead to doubts, that bring on stress. Now it seems like everything is wrong, and you just can't move forward, paralyzed with doubts. Doubts that have no business in your heart, because you know they are unfounded. How do you make these go away, stop them in their tracks and move forward with the plan? The plan that you know will come to pass.

It has been an odd evening. Steps were made towards the final goal, a little preemptive I think, and perhaps that's why it's bothering me. There is a vital step in the plan that hasn't happened, mmm, make that two. And yet here we are on step 3. You know I was ok with that honestly until something else happened. Something that just left me confused, and yes again insecure. So, now I have doubts...I mean HUGE serious doubts. Fears, and near panic...and I know I'll talk to DT later and he'll say all the right things, and tell me what I want and need to hear. And everything will be fine....but right now, here and now I'm not I'm stressed and I don't like it. And that little voice the one that always speaks my doubts, the one that brings out the lost child looking to find her way home, that one is yelling at me right now to run, run away, don't look back and whatever I do don't trust.

This goes back a few days honestly. As I sit and think about it, something happened that shook me. Shook me HARD, at a weak moment. It started the rock rolling, and now I have a full-on avalanche. So, for now, I'll wait. Wait for who knows what. Just knowing that I'm not sure anymore, that I don't want to know the truth, that it may hurt me deeper than any wound I've ever known. Because with that pain, I'm afraid I'll lose myself again.

***********UPDATE***********



"The inspiration for it was, I heard Reba McEntire's 'Whoever's in New England,' and I thought, 'What a great song.'" Jennifer says. "I really liked the story of it. At the same time, it's a story that you hear a lot — the jilted lover, the one who has been cheated on. I thought, 'You know, in that situation, there are three people hurting. Ain't nobody really happy. What if you were bold enough to tell the story of that other woman, and what she feels like in loving someone that is not fully hers either and knowing that there's another woman that's hurting because she's in the picture?' That's complex, adult stuff. Ultimately, it's about the redemption of loving oneself enough to realize, 'I am worth more than this situation. We're all worth more than this situation, really.'"



So, it gets worse as the night goes on. A brief moment of talking, he's got this news that's going to benefit US, I love the man dearly but let me tell you he has got to learn not to believe her. Her lies are so constant that even the truth is a lie. So, after a very short couple minutes, she has managed to again WIN. I'm tired of it, seriously, when will it be my turn.

We interrupt this romance.....

To rip the rug right out from under my feet.

Let's go back, way back. About 6 - 8 months ago I was minding my own business at life. I was married, with kids, and just sleepwalking through life. I met this guy DT, he was married, and things seemed good for them. Things came and went and time went on, and as things happened we started to find that we had a LOT in common, more and more with each passing day.

There were things in the way, a virtual relationship with my virtual sister. A marriage for him, a marriage for me. Kids for us both. And over 1000 miles between us. We played and had fun, saying that if things were different, maybe....maybe.

Then the virtual relationship with my virtual sister fell apart, and we started to come closer and closer to each other. And then the day came that he asked me to be his sub. We designed a ring and we made a commitment to each other. It was then that things really started to grow and build between us. There was a 5-hour chat that brought us to some painful realities. But we grew stronger. And at some point, we realized that we HAD to be together. There was so much talk about when we could extract ourselves from our current situations. And that brings me to today...

His wife found out about me.

Now what? Well, I don't know......and have no idea when I will.