It's been a long long time away, but now we are coming back....new and on the way to improvement

Greetings...and Salutations!!!

Did you think we had fallen off the internet? In a sense, I guess we did.  So much happened, and we just needed to take the time to be us again.  It was good, it was bad, and there is still so much growth and change ahead of us.

So, as a quick recap.

I am His_babydoll, I'm a bratty little submissive (slave wannabe), I met my Dom, Die_Tryin, online back in 2008. We were both married, unhappy, and trying to hold it together the best we could for our children. We had several face to face visits, both where I went to him and he came to me. We had ups and downs, more downs I'm sure it seemed to be.  Eventually, we both separated from our spouses and moved on to a life of our own.  Die_Tryin moved to Nebraska to be with me, and we hoped that things would fall into place...I'd like to say that they did.  But he moved her in 2010 and we still don't have the "lifestyle" that we hoped for.  Yes, we are married, and that is amazing. We are deeply in love with one another and that I wouldn't trade for anything.

But I will not deny that until recently, lifestyle has not been a part of our lives.  And frankly, sex was honestly non-existent.  On one hand, I missed it, on the other I was happy not to have it in my life.  I know that DT missed it terribly.  I felt guilty, I mean let's face it when he divorced his first wife they had gone well over 18 months without intercourse.  I'm sure he had to feel like he was living that same hell all over again. In that marriage, he felt unattractive, unloved, and unappreciated. Not just because of the sexual relationship, but the emotional side of the relationship was gone as well.  He has said before that he felt more like a live-in roommate or babysitter than a husband or partner.  While in his second marriage she would push him away time and time again, only to claim that she didn't feel he loved her anymore and needed to woo her back. Neither of these were positions I ever wanted him to feel he was in again because of me.

I was so unhappy with myself, that I would not allow myself to experience pleasure in anything, In fact, I would go out of my way to ensure that I was miserable.  It wasn't fair to him, and it damaged our relationship. I don't pretend to know why, or what my trigger was, I just know that I would do almost anything to avoid physical contact.  From kissing to touching to sex, I would avoid it at all costs.  To the point of being angry over nothing, and overworking simply to keep a distance between us.  If I could have found a way to sleep in separate beds I would have.

And then something happened, and I'm even more confused about what happened to draw us back to each other than I am about why we pulled apart to start with.  We were invited to a friends wedding about 9 hours from home, the plan was to leave Friday morning, drive to their family home where they had a room for us Friday and Saturday nights, then return home Sunday first thing in the morning.  We were roughly an hour and a half away from our destination Friday night when the car started acting up.  Shortly after it started acting up, we had no transmission. No forward, no reverse, it just felt like the car was in neutral. 11:30pm, in the mountains, an hour from any town. Cell service was poor and chances were we were going to be there a long time if we couldn't find a tow truck. No one answered... as luck would have it the owner of a small towing company happened to be out on a fuel run and drove past. He gave us the number to call someone and told us they would be our best bet.  But we couldn't take the chance so asked him what it would cost for him to go get his truck and take us to the next town 45 miles away.  He told us, and while it was a ton more than I wanted to pay, it was reasonable and he was there.  30 minutes later, he was back, loading our car up on the tow truck to haul it to the shop. Thankfully, the mechanic was located on the fringe edge of a town but had two hotels, a few restaurants, and a beautiful view of the mountains. We checked in Friday night and checked out Tuesday morning. $300.00 tow, $320.00 hotel, and $1500.00 in repair charges to the mechanic before we were back on the road.  It was pretty uneventful, I worked, he watched TV.  I had my period, no sex for us, we all know this is something I just don't do.  Something changed in me during this trip, I don't know what, or why.  But I know that I couldn't be more grateful for the universe stepping in and taking my world by storm.

We came home, and things were back to normal right?

NO!  They are anything but normal.

Well, let me clarify, life, in general, is normal.  But sex and our relationship are far from what we have lived through the last several years. From the night we came home we have had amazing sex, playtime, bondage, a little slave play, a lot of pain play, and a huge amount of communication on how we are going to get back to the path we both so badly wanted when we got together. The only night we haven't was because I wasn't feeling well.  I'm still facing some of my old demons, how to give the trust that was once lost (and continues to be tested at times), how to fit lifestyle into day to day life.  How to be an M/s couple in day to day life but still keep it from my children. So, tonight I filled his plate for dinner. It was small but it was something, now to look into more ways to fit this into our daily life. I'm all ears and up for suggestions.

After much Pause, A return to Sir Sunday...

                  It's been a long time, too long, since I have sat at the computer with the express purpose of blogging my private, Our private lives. The life we keep from the kids, family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. A life few outsides of those who live it could comprehend, sure you could argue that BDSM or SM is becoming mainstream with the writing and movies along the 50 shades vein.

               
                So you ask where am I going with this? When you decide this is the lifestyle that you cannot deny, your true inner self, you find yourself at conflict with societal norms (assuming you are trying to live under the radar). While in a large city or metropolis it is easier to achieve social anonymity, in a small city or rural setting the anonymity is a harder thing to keep. HBD and I joke openly about "welcome to our town where everyone knows your business before it is your business". As absurd as it sounds it is completely true. I am going to confess as our children get older they notice more, question more and this worried me, as I don't want to influence or set a stigma about relationships for two impressionable youngsters, who might not understand the dynamics of HBD's and my relationship.  Especially as their biological father was a verbal and mental abuser on the verge of going physical before we met and she escaped from him. To them, the discipline and power exchange could look like the mental abuse their father perpetrated and continues to attempt on HBD and sometimes even them. The younger often inserts them-self into conversations that are not their place, to "protect" HBD for what is perceived as an abusive situation. This messes with the M/s dynamic as it adds delay for correction and interaction and this, unfortunately, led to my failure as  I could not find my way around it mentally. As you, our returning and possibly new readers will learn we are getting back to the lifestyle. As the past couple of years have had their ups and downs, we have weathered the storm and have re-tasked our resolve to one another to make this work. Will there be bumps, probably, will there be challenges? definitely! But we welcome you to follow our journey through Love and Submission.

hoarding...

Have you ever seen Hoarding: Buried Alive? I used to watch that show, for reassurance that I was NOT like that. My life wasn't that bad. There was always someone worse. I could look at images like this







and I could say, thats not me! I don't hoard, I just don't have the time to keep up with what needs done. I'm not a hoarder, I just don't have any help. My ex refused to ever give me a moments peace when he was on the road, I lived on the phone with him. And if he felt that I wasn't giving him 150% of my attention then he would battle with me. That meant I never got cleaning done with him on the phone. He would be so angry with me. Then he'd come home and demand that I give him every waking moment of my time. If I got up and started to clean, then he would get mad and insist that I didn't love him any more or that I didn't want to be with him.

Excuses....in reality this is what I lived in....

Grasping....

I am a strong woman. I have lived a hard life and it has made me who I am. I am perfectly capable of living an independent life. I can support myself, I can care for my children, and I can be happy doing it. I am a leader, I am a mother. No one defines who I am. I work hard in a job that my co-workers and boss feel would be better suited for a man. I do that job, and I do it WELL. I am free-thinking, I know my mind, and I am not afraid to speak it. I am intelligent, and always looking to expand my education. I am funny and outgoing, I love making new friends and interacting with people around me.

But inside, at the very core of my soul, I have another side. A side that I cannot deny any more than I can deny all the rest of me. This side of me craves a strong person to guide me. To take control of my thoughts, and actions.

I...

I am a submissive, I am a slave, I have a deep inner need to be dominated, to give up control, and simply exist as a possession. I cannot give this to just anyone, many do not have what it takes to tame me. Much less the desire to direct my Brat.

As much as I am submissive I also know that when I do not feel as if I'm being led, the Brat does take over. She is playful and willful, slightly disobedient, and of course sassy. She just begs for attention, anyway that she can get it. Usually, this gets the reaction I need to kick me into gear, and put me in my place.

But sometimes, it's just not enough. Those times, I become sullen and disobedient. I become that strong and independent woman. What brings this on is feeling as if I'm not being led. It's my inner voice screaming to be put back down. To be knocked off my pedestal, and made to feel my position.


It's not a sexual thing.

The longer I work at this life, the more I realize that it really isn't about the sex. Oh, I will not deny that our playtime is amazing. That I feel used, degraded, like the whore I am. But I also need it in my day to day life. I need to be reminded of my place at his feet.

And I need to be loved.


Right now I'm grasping for every little thing that will make this happen for me. To complete me and soothe my inner demons.

Make it stop....

I know it seems like all I've been doing lately is whining, and complaining. Mostly about DT. I won't deny I'm here to do it one more time.

I just can't help myself right now. I'm so torn inside, and I feel like I'm dying, I have no motivation to do anything but work and sleep. There is just so much running around my head, the chaos is deafening.

When DT moved out here there were several conditions, several that he set for himself. Among them was starting this business. I have to say that I have so much faith in this man, I know that he can do anything that he sets his mind to. He is a hard worker, he would work himself to death if he had to. When he's working for someone else. But in this job, working for us, for me as we agreed. Well, it's not working so well. Several times I have said I'm ready to throw in the towel to call it quits, on the business that is. And when I do he's shocked and hurt, and inside I feel that I have let him down. That by giving in so easily I have lost faith in him and his ability.

The truth is, I have. That reality hurts me, as much as I know it hurts him.


We will work this out, we will talk about it and we will come out ahead. That's the beauty of us. We are dedicated to making our relationship work. And if that means that we dissolve the business - so be it. If that means that we step away from the BDSM, and M/s aspects of our relationship - then we will. The priority of our relationship never changes. We will be together, happily.


That doesn't mean that I'm throwing in the towel. Far from it, I have a resolve to be a better sub, a stronger slave, and to see that my Sir is a stronger leader. That just means a lot of soul searching, a lot of research, and a lot of patience. Lord and Lady give me patience.