Picking up the pieces.

From the beginning, DT and I have said one thing for our relationship. Without open and honest as our foundation there would be no us. The bond we have is, amazingly strong in part because we are so open, there are no secrets and no need for them. Yes sometimes, things are exposed raw and ugly. But we look at them with love and know that there is nothing that we can't love each other through...as long as we have open and honest.

Honesty...something I have struggled hard with in the past. I've been married twice now, and both of them were full of lies and secrets. Now, in my current situation, I try to excuse the lies by saying they are to protect myself. In a sense I guess that is true, my FX is a time bomb just waiting to explode. He has even told me (as recently as Christmas Day) to leave the room because I've made him so mad he only wants to hurt me. And yes, he means physically.

With DT it has been different, he was my friend long before there was anything between us. So, being honest with him, confiding in him...trusting him was easy. He gave me honest feedback and helped me to improve myself as a person. Finding the inner me that was beaten down by two horrid men. But that trust was shattered this week when I found out that he has lied to me...on several occasions about his intent to do something. Something he knew meant everything to me...the next step in bringing us together so to speak.

I've cried and screamed over the last few days, feeling myself fall apart. Wondering what else was a lie, did he ever intend for us to be together, and could I give him the chance to right his wrongs that he pleaded for? As a woman I was hurt...as a sub I was crushed, my submission to him was the biggest gift I could give. How can I trust him with my well being now? How do I know that he will have my best interest at heart? How do I move us forward?

Frankly, I don't know...perhaps it was a mistake but I've given him that chance. Sadly along with it, I fear that I have lost my brat and that my sub has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Only time will tell...


deep inside I long to submit to him, it's my purpose.......but fear and pain are winning.