Fathers Day

I know today is Sir Sunday, and I will be honest my loving Sir has a post all ready for me to post today, it just needed a picture. But I find myself thinking that today I would rather say some things myself.

Fathers....
When I was growing up my Dad was not in the picture. He left my mom and I when I was 18 months old, saying that he just wasn't man enough to be a father, I've never seen him since.

Fast forward 6 years and my mom remarried, a nice enough man she thought, but after 2 years of his verbal and emotional abuse towards us both, she couldn't get him out fast enough and moved him into an apartment using her personal savings and leaving us nearly destitute. It was 2 years of screaming, hiding in the closet and wishing he would just ....leave. Not to mention the physical and sexual abuse at the hands of his much older "children"

Again it was just me and Mom, until I was 10 and she remarried...My Dad! Well the man that I will always call my Dad. He truly was an incredible person, he loved me unconditionally, as if I was his own. He looked out for me, he always had my moms back in her disciplining of me. I hated him, fought him, pushed him away, and never let him in.

In the meantime, there was my uncle, an amazing man as well. He cared for me as if I was the daughter he never had. If I had to claim a father I would claim him in a second! He was a wonderful loving father and husband. I spent many years making sure he knew that I looked at him as a father figure. I married, and he spoke at my wedding, he was there when my daughter was born, he was there when my son was born. But he was very sick, he fought a long battle with lung issues, and heart disease. He waited to see my son. I know he did, he lived long enough to know that I was going to be a good mom to that little boy. And 6 weeks later, after having had a double lung transplant he passed. It was June. And I was heartbroken. Sitting here now I miss him, my heart aches and I can hardly see through the tears.

Then there is My Dad. I was 10 when he married my mom, and a month before my 32nd birthday I killed him. At least, in my mind, I was the cause. It was summer and my parents came to visit us for 2 weeks. After a week of fighting screaming and hard feelings my dad was packing up the trailer to head back "home" with my mom. In packing up he managed to touch the electric fence. I'll never forget him looking at me and saying "If anyone with a bad heart ever touched that you'd kill them" 2 weeks later he was gone....a heart attack. And I will never forget that. It wasn't until then that I realized what a great father he had been to me. That he was and always will be the DAD I wanted as a child. It was June.

Now, I look at my children. My oldest two haven't spoken with their father since August of 99. My current SO is horrid to them, he treats them with one standard while treating his two with me totally different. The little two, love and adore their father. They do not see the man that I do, Thank God! I would hate for them to see what I see, I do not ever want them to realize he's not the perfect man they think he is.

And then there is my Sir, Die_Tryin. He has 4 kids, two he was supposed to see this summer, and because of financial issues as well as issues with his Ex the kids were not able to come out. I know this hurts him, and I can only say that if the situation were different, I'd have flown him out to see them myself. But his SO is threatened by the Ex and will not let that happen. Perhaps he should claim a business trip? hmmm, its a thought. I can hear the ache in his voice knowing that he can't be with them. That his daughter is missing him and wanting to be with him, and that his son is growing distant. I want to wrap my arms around him and take the ache away! This is where I'm struggling, I want him with me...no I NEED to have him with me, in my life, daily, in my arms, in my bed, in my heart. But that means he has to leave his SO, and his other two children. Twin boys, 4 months old, beautiful boys! I talk to him often and I hear them over the phone and my heart aches because I feel like I'm taking him away from them. This hurts me deeply. He says that I'm not doing that, that his SO won't keep him from them, but I have doubts I have worries, and fears. I love DT, and I love his kids, they are a part of him. And, its June.

So, everyone take a moment on Fathers Day to be thankful for your Father, and all the other Fathers that touch your lives. I know I am.