Feeling Helpless....

Things seem to be just spinning in crazy circles, and I can't keep my head above water right now. I'm drowning in a sea of emotions, happy, joy, excitement, dread, panic, apprehension, fear, anger, pain, and most of all right now helplessness.

DTs SO is a member of a social site that I belong to as well, it seems that she is using this site to create an alternate reality for herself. In addition to bouncing around like a rubber ball of love and dislike, she cycles from being angry and almost hateful about DT, to how he's the most wonderful man in the world. All her posts and thoughts seem to revolve around getting attention from others. Validation of her feelings. No matter what the current emotion is. It's frustrating for me to see, knowing there are so many lies. Its harder knowing that now DT sees these things and is hurt by the realization that his marriage is revolving around her lies. (Yes, I know he will read this, and no I'm not worried we share EVERYTHING)

Now for the heart of the matter, let's face it DT is still married, as am I. Which means, that we will have to share a bed with the SO's in our lives until we can extract ourselves. How do we do this without hurting each other? Well, try not to give too many details to start with. Think about each other while we're with the SO's, and then, of course, lean on each other after the fact because the mere act of being with the SO's hurts. Not just hurting each other, but it hurts on a personal level as well. I know, I was in that position this past weekend. And it HURT to be with my SO when I wanted so badly to be with DT. I thankfully can avoid this as my SO is away from home 2 or more weeks at a time. DT is not so lucky, he is with a woman that doesn't realize there is a problem and is grasping at everything she has to try and fix it. Which means "connecting" in a sexual manner.

I knew it happened tonight, I knew it before I talked to him. He wasn't here at the usual time. And no word that he would be away, that was the only possibility. When he did get back online I knew, from the way he typed that he was either not alone, or was concerned that I wasn't alone. Finally, it slipped out, without him saying the words he told me. And while I hurt for me, I ached for him, I felt his pain, regret...shame. There is nothing I can do to help him. I can assure him that I love him, I can be there for him to talk to. But nothing will take it away until we are together....eventually.

The thing is that she has started to draw on his/our kink, in a very vanilla way. A little hair pulling, a spank on the ass. But wait, what about the first time she ASKED him to spank her. And when he followed through because he thought it might fix them, she waited a couple days and threw it back in his face that he HIT her. Now again, she's asking for him to spank her, pull her hair etc. Where is this coming from? besides desperation?

We talked briefly, and that was very limited, and interrupted by her coming down for a baby bottle. He covered well, talking to his brother he said, he's tired he said. He tells his brother He loves him, and to call back when he's not so tired they'll talk later. I'm 2nd again...but I'm not I know I'm first in his heart and the one he loves.

Now for confession time....I'm scared. I'm afraid that she's going to win. What right do I have to come between them? What if she does have it in her to be a sub? What if what if what if? So, its been over an hour now, she's been feeding the baby. I know this takes time. But well, I know in my heart he won't be back tonight, and tomorrow I won't get my wake up call, so I'm off to cry myself to sleep.









Who said nothing could kill the high I've been flying since buying those tickets last night?